I really like this girl, but I’m scared to ask her out because I once dated another boy. What should I do?
We all have a past, says our elder. Maybe she will accept you as you are.
Dear EWC
Well, this is basically a long story but I will try to make it shorter. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My father abandoned us so my mother had to work every day and left us alone for that reason. When I was a seven-year-old boy I was practically abused and my family never knew about this. Never told them though. I always liked girls but for some reason by the age of 20 I was curious about how it feels to be in a relationship with another boy and I eventually had one for a couple of months. It was like a nightmare because even though I was in a gay relationship I couldn’t be myself and at the same time I couldn’t mention that to the other boy because I was not trying to hurt him. Eventually I got out of that relationship. But since then, I’ve been feeling guilty about that relationship.
I now like a girl but I can’t tell her how I feel about her because I disgust myself for what I was into a few years ago. I am not proud of it and I cannot tell her that I like her and hide this part of my past from her. I think I should tell her this. I know she likes me too but I consider it dishonest to not tell her about my past. And that is why I am afraid: I don’t know how she is going to react to this. If she is going to accept it and understand this or if she will end up hurt because of me, because of the perception she has of me and the reality of my past. What should I really do?
Linda replies
I’m not sure if you’ve heard of Judge Judy, but one of her best quotes is: “When you tell the truth you don’t have to have a good memory.” From the first time I heard her use this quote, it has stuck with me. When we set out to lie, be it deliberately or through omission, it will eventually come back to bite us.
We all have a past. No one’s past is squeaky clean and if we find someone we care about, it is up to that person to either accept our past, or not. The truth is a great many of today’s youth experiment sexually. It’s not remotely uncommon. It’s good you put your foot in the water, so to speak, in order to learn what was the right fit for you. Keeping this from your current girlfriend might work for a while. However, there may come a time when you slip up and say something, or the truth simply comes out. The funny thing about a lie is it always finds a crack from which to expose itself.
You might be surprised to learn this girl has also done her own sexual experimentation. You won’t necessarily know this until the subject has been broached. If you care for her then tell her so. If you end up sharing the truth with her, it would be best if she knows you care deeply for her. Don’t let misguided guilt keep you from sharing your feelings for her.
Life is all about choice. One day when you look back, you’ll realize that most, if not all, of what happened to you came down to the choices you made. Our choices come from having free will which is an awesome gift, but one which comes with a great deal of responsibility. Choices often have consequences. In this instance you can make a choice to continue keeping your past hidden or you can take a risk and tell her the truth. Of course, the risk is there. There’s no getting around that fact. Keeping a secret locked inside may work for a while but you would never be free of it because it would always be there. In time the secret may feel more like a burden to you. Unloading it might feel like a sigh of relief.
Only you can determine if living a lie creates a safe space for you or a prison cell. If this girl can’t overlook you being sexually curious in your past, then she may not be the right person for you. Whoever we meet must accept us as we are, past and all. Our past makes us who we are today. It’s a calculated risk, so don’t make a hasty decision, but as the old Bible verse hearkens: The truth shall set you free.
Article #: 498893
Category: Dating/Relationship