“I’m ready for a relationship, but I’m very picky. What qualities should I look for?”
Our Elder replies: “The more different people you date, the more you will understand what qualities you want in a man.”
Dear EWC,
Hello, this is my third letter and I find your advice incredibly helpful. I am currently twenty-one.
I’ve been seeing a lot of my friends having romantic relationships. With this, I also began to wonder about my own. I do have crushes on boys, but there’s always some barrier that hinders me from confessing my feelings. When it comes to liking someone, I admit that I’m very picky, even with just having a crush. I’ve never been in a relationship, but I really want to get married. However, observing the boys and the married couples around me nowadays really gives me second-thoughts.
I would like to seek your advice on these questions: 1) How would I know that I already found the right one? 2) What qualities in a man should I really consider when choosing someone to commit to?
I am looking forward to hearing from you soon. Your wisdom would really help me in this matter. Thank you very much!
Dot Response
Marg, welcome back to EWC! I’m glad you have found our advice helpful. Let’s break this down together. You say that you have had crushes on boys, but never confess your feelings. I wonder if instead of talking about how you feel right off the bat, if you couldn’t just hang out and get to know each other better? Keep it casual. If you are interested in a guy, take small steps like this. Then, if you would like to get to know him better, ask him if he would like to get lunch, go to a movie, or anything that might interest you both.
You could say something like, “I’ve loved talking to you, would you want to grab lunch sometime?” Spending time together will help you determine if you want to pursue a deeper relationship. But it is important to take that first step. The worst thing that could happen is that he might say he is busy or not interested. In the scheme of life, that isn’t a big deal—even if it feels like it at the time. Looking back on my life, I don’t regret the things that I did, but the things that I was afraid to do—the opportunities I let pass me by.
I guarantee that the more you date, the more you will come to understand what qualities you want in a man. I suggest that you look at dating as an opportunity to explore those things. Have fun! Don’t expect every date to be the “one.” This is an exciting time in your life. Be brave!
I have been married to my husband for fifty-three years. I will tell you that for me, honest, open communication is one of the most important things in a successful relationship. Be willing to talk honestly about anything. Look for someone who you can be yourself with, and who will be willing to have that openness with you.
The next thing I believe you need is trust. Establishing trust creates a strong bond and a foundation to build on. Trust promotes a feeling of safety and closeness. It means you know that they will be there for you no matter what. That you feel able to share your deepest thoughts and feelings and that you can depend on them. It take’s time to build trust in a relationship, but it is an important foundation.
Marg, I hope this was helpful. Try not to stress unnecessarily. Don’t expect each date to be your forever person. The more you date, the more you will know what is acceptable or unacceptable for you in a relationship. Dating is a fun way to get to know someone better. When your date talks about himself, be sure to listen and show interest. It is important for each person to feel heard and understood. Lastly, don’t change who you are for someone else. Find that person who loves you for who you are. I will be thinking of you and rooting for you to take that next step.
Best Regards,
Dot
Article #: 503826
Category: Dating/Relationship