“Should I give up on my high school sweetheart?”

Our Elder says: The reason for a relationship is to bring you happiness. If that is not working, it is okay to give up. Not all relationships are meant to be.  

Dear EWC,

I’m deeply in love with my high school sweetheart. We’ve known each other for thirteen years, but every time we date each other, it’s a problem. He suffers from paranoia, and we argue about stupid things, then he always blocks me. When I try to fix things, I’m blocked so I can’t. Now he has dumped me. 

I love showing him love and affection, but we argue about being clingy, telling lies, seeing each other, etc. Seeking his attention and love, he says I don’t give him space at times. I get nothing in return. To make things worse, my parents disapprove of him because of his skin color. I feel so depressed about it at times. 

Will he come back, or should I give up? Will I be able to talk to him, or is it over?

Nalini

Joseph Response

Dear Nalini,

You say you love this guy, but relationships need more than just feelings to survive. There are practical aspects that keep relationships alive, and those aspects seem to be missing from your relationship.

By practical aspects I mean compatible personalities, an ability to work out differences so they don’t continue to cause trouble, a willingness to understand each other’s needs, an ability to be honest with each other, giving each other the space to be individuals, and mutual affection. Your relationship doesn’t seem to have these qualities. You fight a lot. He blocks you. He wants more space.  There’s lying going on. This is not loving behavior. You two seem miserable together. What’s the point of going on? 

The reason you two got into a relationship in the first place was to add an element of happiness to your lives. That’s clearly not happening. Neither of your needs are being met. It is possible, Nalini, to love someone but also know that being with that person is not a good idea. It is not a personal failure if things don’t work out. Sometimes it just means that two people aren’t right for each other. That’s okay. It happens a lot. It’s happened to me multiple times. It’s sad, but the sadness goes away over time. 

There is nothing wrong with two people being wrong for each other, Nalini. It makes no sense to try to stay in a relationship that is a continual source of pain. That pain is probably the source of your depression. 

You’ve known each other for a long time, but history is not a good reason to try to keep a relationship afloat. The only good reason for two people to stay together is because they bring each other happiness. Believe that love can be a happy experience, Nalini, not one filled with pain and suffering. In the best relationships, partners bring out the best in each other. You don’t have to settle for a relationship that offers you less than that. 

This guy was the love of your life—so far. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that there is only one person for you. It takes most of us multiple tries to find that right person. It took me five tries to find someone I could connect deeply with, and it definitely was worth the wait.

I hope I have shed some helpful light on your situation. If anything I said is not clear, or if you would want to discuss this further, please feel free to write back. I’d be happy to hear from you.  

Best Regards,

Joseph

Article #: 450678
Category: Dating/Relationship