I Dreamed of Having a Husband and Children But I’m Afraid it will Never Happen
“I’ve had several boyfriends that would have been perfect partners to raise a family with, but they left me. Now I feel broken and I’m not sure I would be a good parent if I adopted a child.”
Our Elder Says: Keep a positive attitude. At twenty-six you are definitely not too old to fulfill your dreams.
Dear EWC,
Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of having a loving husband and raising a happy family. I’m currently 26 and I’ve seen all of my friends find their matches and have children. Now here I am, nowhere near my dream. I
I’ve done everything I possibly could, including trying to mold myself into what my past partners wanted. I had one tell me that I’m a great person that deserves the things I want, but it would “be hard to obtain for someone like me because I’m not attractive enough.” (Yes, he said this, and basically made me feel so ugly about the entire relationship.)
My next partner had parents that were very controlling, and I just wasn’t good enough for them. I wasn’t of the right ethnicity. I didn’t come from their idea of a good family. My education wasn’t enough. My career wasn’t enough. Even though this partner and I were perfect for each other and I just knew we would have an amazing family, he ended up giving into his parent’s wishes and ended things to find someone they would like better for him.
Those two partners truly damaged me and I’m convinced that I’m permanently broken. I’ll never find anyone that I am good enough for, no matter how hard I try. I feel like I have this huge empty void in my life that I can’t fill. I’ve tried hobbies and therapy, but everywhere I look I see a happy couple with beautiful children and I am reminded of what a waste I am. I’ve considered adopting, but I’m scared of not even being able to be a good enough parent.
Pete Response
Dear Alexandria,
Thank you for writing to Elder Wisdom Circle. I read your letter and am empathetic to you for not having yet realized your lifelong dream of a loving husband and family. While there does not exist any magic formula to help you attain your dream, the title of your letter, “It’s just not going to happen for me” is not necessarily a fact, and I would hope you would adopt a more positive attitude toward your plight. I have a few other thoughts which will hopefully put your thoughts into perspective.
Regarding the two failed relationships you cited, certainly neither is your fault. Looking at the partner who said, “you’re not attractive,” this is a most inappropriate thing to say to a person and most unusual. There exists a truism which states, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Just because you are not attractive to him does not mean that you are ugly; you should not ruminate over that. You know what you look like, and you are likely attractive to others. People are attracted to other people for countless different reasons, many of which are not readily identifiable.
In the other situation, you should not feel that you are not good enough for this guy. His parents’ dislike of you is not necessarily because of any shortcomings you may have. Some people have false standards and prejudices because of defects in their own lives. You should not let their ignorance cast a negative hue on your self-esteem.
You mentioned past relationships, but did not say why they ended or why they were not successful. You might want to examine each relationship and try to determine if they had some issue in common? Was it your fault? If so, is it something you can change? Relationships are complicated, and no two are alike. Some people marry their childhood sweethearts, and others date countless partners before they find one that works out.
At age twenty-six, you are definitely not too old to fall in love, get married, and have children. I have seen successful marriages of people of all ages. At the end of your letter, you brought up the possibility of adoption. Why, from the two experiences you cited, would you deem yourself an unfit parent?
We all have different meeting grounds for new partners. There are singles groups, church groups, online dating services (which I do not recommend), and other places where people who share the same interests and values can meet.
So, Alexandria, from the content and tone of your letter, you sound to me like a great person; someone who will make some man very happy. I strongly suggest that you focus on getting rid of your negative thoughts, and hopefully you will find someone and realize your dream. I wish you well. If I can be of additional assistance, please do not hesitate to write.
Best wishes to you.
Pete
Article #: 503838
Category: Dating/Relationship