I was hurt and embarrassed when my husband’s family joked about his Navy adventures — but he says I’m overreacting! You’re not the problem, says our elder — it’s him.

It’s time he started showing you some respect.

 

Dear EWC

 

I need to know if I am overreacting or if my feelings are somewhat correct from an outside unbiased opinion. My husband is very closed off about his past with his family and the Navy and exes and friends, etc. However, he has never been closed off about this stuff to his blood relatives. While at Thanksgiving with his family this year, his family started joking about the prostitute my husband had been with in another country while on a deployment. I thought they were joking, but then his uncle asked him if she was any good and if she was worth it and my husband said she was. So….not only were they not joking, but they all (my husband included) thought it was appropriate to discuss how good sex with another woman was in front of his wife who didn’t even know he had been with a prostitute before. I was instantly overcome with shaking feelings if anger and pain. I felt disrespected and embarrassed. He thinks I’m judging him for something he did long ago… but I’m not. I’m just severely upset that I found out something like that in front of his family and that he doesn’t think it was disrespectful to discuss how much he enjoyed it and how worth it he thinks it was… all in front of his wife, who didn’t know in the first place. He called me a bitch and said I embarrassed him because I wanted to leave after that, and I packed the kids’ things up quickly to get out of the party. I couldn’t help it. I was very emotional and embarrassed. Am I wrong? I can never tell anymore if I’m crazy. He makes me feel like I’m crazy.

 

Hildegard replies

 

Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re crazy. This problem is not you. It’s him. He doesn’t respect you. It is outrageous that he would talk about being with a prostitute in front of you. He is trying to demean you — and you’re allowing him to succeed. 

 

If you want to remain with this man, you will need to demand that he have more respect for your feelings. You are not overreacting. In my opinion, this man will continue to disrespect you because this is the way he acts in a passive-aggressive manner to tell you he is dissatisfied with you. Whether he is really dissatisfied with you or just needs to act superior, I don’t know. I do know that it isn’t healthy for you to be in a relationship where your husband doesn’t tell you things except through his relatives. He needs counseling to learn to make decisions and be responsible for his own actions. But you are unlikely to convince him he needs therapy because he has come to believe that you are the problem. You are not the problem. His behavior is way out of line and I wouldn’t stand for it.

 

You would be better off alone than with a man who treats you this way. You deserve to be treated with respect by the people in your life. But you can only be treated with respect if you insist upon it. I think you did the right thing by leaving the party early. It seems completely reasonable for you to refuse to allow for his unacceptable behavior. Hold your head up. I wish you the best of luck in demanding respect from this man and/or leaving him behind.

 

Letter #: 431996

Category: Marriage