Why is my boyfriend being so secretive about his previous relationship — with a couple?
It’s time to let go of his past, says our elder. Love is unconditional.
Dear EWC
Hi there, I write because I don’t know how to get past my current boyfriend’s past. He is in his mid-20s but only been in one relationship before — with two people, a couple who were in a closed relationship. He explained that he was pressured into the relationship and that it was not for him, which is why he ended it but has been secretive otherwise, mostly out of respect for my dislike of this non-traditional relationships. Now details are coming out and it seems like he was a much more willing participant than he originally claimed, and that the relationship was longer than he told me. He’s been honest about everything else in his life and I don’t really have any reasons to suspect him of being a liar. My problem is complex: I both have a distaste for open or polyamorous relationships, as well as his use of white lies to create a prettier picture of his past. How should I move past this?
ConstanceF replies
You should ask yourself whether his past is more important than his present with you. He is obviously uncomfortable talking to you about this at all, and you’ve evidently pressured him enough that he’s given you details. You say that you are distasteful of polyamory, but since he’s not currently practicing it and can’t change the fact he did it, you need to make up your mind to get over it and move on, or to continue to dwell on it and to push him away.
The fact that he tried to minimize the relationship to you speaks volumes about his feelings for you. Being aware of how you feel about polyamory, he tried to make his past somewhat palatable so that you would continue to love him. Now you need to show that you do love him by accepting that he used to be in that relationship, but he is no longer there, and it is not a threat to your relationship. If you can’t do that, then you need to reexamine your “love”. Love is unconditional.
Best wishes in moving past this.
Letter #: 435331
Category: Dating/Relationship