What could go wrong on a holiday to Thailand? A letter writer cannot get over her husband’s betrayal with a ladyboy.

Can our elder help her?

Me and my husband of seven years took a Christmas holiday to Thailand. We had a good Christmas Day and evening and returned back to our room at 2am the following morning, Boxing Day. I was a bit peckish so asked my husband to go and get me some pizza. Off he went, not returning until 6am—four hours later. On his arrival I did not question him so left it. At 11am up he got and off he went until 7pm. On his return he was quite intoxicated. I asked him where he had been for the previous four hours and the reply was he had been with a ladyboy.

I removed his wedding ring from his finger and threw it out off our hotel room window and said that he had violated our marriage. He was mortified he had done such a thing and sent me an email explaining what he had done and how sorry he was but now back home I have spent every day not dealing with this very well. It has really messed with my head, the betrayal and the violation. How can I manage this and move on?

PJC replies

I’m sorry to read about your husband’s wild time in Thailand. Were I in your position, I would want to know if my husband had strayed only during your trip or whether there were other occasions.

If you discover there’s nothing for you to worry about, then perhaps going for marriage or pastoral counseling might help you to forgive him for his exploits in Thailand. It would also be a good idea for you, in my opinion, to have your doctor check you out for venereal disease and insist that he be checked out as well.

Were I in your place, I would want to know if my husband truly wanted to be in a monogamous, committed relationship with me. In my opinion, if you are married to a man who wants to explore different sexual options, then I don’t think you want to stay married to him. So, having a frank and open discussion with him would help you clarify your situation.

Were I you, I would also want to evaluate whether he has a drinking problem. Perhaps he only has an indiscretion when he drinks too much. If that’s the case, then you could ask whether he’s ready to stop drinking and start going to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, where he can find a sponsor to help him with his sobriety. There are also Al-Anon and CODA groups for the friends and family of alcoholics.

I have to give you a lot of credit for impulsively throwing his wedding ring out the window. You got his attention. It’s my belief that in cases like these, before forgiveness can happen, it’s important that he hear, in great detail, just how enormous a betrayal this was. He has to listen to all you have to say. You can watch him while you talk. Does he just want it to be open or is he willing to really hear you and have the decency to look pained and ashamed for what he has done.

If you truly feel that he understands the consequences of his behavior, how it’s impacted you, then you have a good chance of moving forward. This is why marriage counseling could be helpful. So that you could get your hurt and betrayed feelings thoroughly aired.

Forgiveness is an on-going practice, I discovered. Every time the issue rises up for you, rather than allowing your mind to swim around in the horror of his behavior, it’s important for you to stop yourself, to remind yourself that he’s just beginning to understand what he did to your relationship and your marriage, and then— once again—you can silently say to him, “I forgive you, and I bless you with love.” If you have a church where forgiveness is taught, this would also be helpful.

I also think it’s important for you to assert to him that you don’t care what kind of temptation is set before him. You expect him to keep his marriage vows. And then ask him if he can repeat that concept back to you and if he thinks he is willing and able to abide by it. And… stay away from those parts of Thailand where the sex trade is rampant.

I do wish you all the best with this.

Letter #: 416972
Category: Marriage