I just found out that my fiancé put a camera in our bedroom.

Should I let it slide? Er, no, says our elder.

Dear EWC,

My fiancé and I have been together for nearly 13 years. We had some very rough patches about six years ago. The last three to four years have been great. We have shared hobbies, a close knit group of friends, and I feel we have truly been connecting. Early this morning, a breaker was tripped in our bedroom and after resetting it, I noticed a strange circle of red lights from the entertainment center beneath our TV, behind the blue-ray player. It was a wireless security camera. I called my fiancé immediately and asked him about it. He stated he had gotten it to set up in our living room to keep an eye on our teenagers and pets. He couldn’t get it working and forgot to tell me about it. I am extremely torn on how to react to this. If what he told me is true, I see absolutely no reason for this to have been hidden in our bedroom and for me to not know about it. If he had concerns about my behavior (he has no reason to), then I feel deeply violated. Do I let this slide? Take his justification and move on or should I push this issue?

Mr. Bill replies

Thanks for writing to us. Let me answer your question right away. No, I don’t think you should let it slide.

There really may be a simple and innocent explanation, like the one he has already given you. Although, even installing a security camera for the purposes of keeping an eye on your teenage children is very bothersome. It is spying, an invasion of their privacy and shows a lack of trust.

That aside, here are some questions I would have, ones you might want to know the answers to.

If he couldn’t get it working, why put it in the bedroom at all? And hidden? Why not put it back in the box?
If it isn’t working, what about those red lights you saw? My understanding is that if there are red lights, it’s working.
How could he forget to tell you about a security camera? Either one, to keep track of the teenagers or one that is now in the bedroom? Before you found it, he had to think about it, buy it, install it, move it from one place to another. Do you really forget that?
By putting it in the bedroom, if it was working, was it because he had concerns about you or because he was videoing interactions between the two of you? Either way, without your knowledge, this is quite bothersome.
Those are questions I’d want answers to. I also would expect him to show me how it worked and what, if anything, was recorded on it.

I don’t know what happened six years ago, but I am glad that the past three to four years have been so great. I hope the next many years are just as good. However, if I were you, I would not be torn on this issue. I’d pursue it. Gently. Carefully. Not in anger or aggression. But in an information-gathering mode. And I’d be insistent. I wouldn’t let him brush it off. Brushing it off, not talking with you about it, and not giving satisfying answers to your questions is an answer in and of itself.

That’s my advice. Questions? Reactions? I’ll be here. And if you are willing and if you think about it, let me know what you decide. And how it goes.

Good luck.

Letter #: 424192
Category: Marriage