I love my daughter… but I can’t stop thinking about the baby I miscarried.

Give yourself time to heal, says our elder.

Dear EWC

I am a 25-year-old woman who is happily married and a stay-at-home mother to a beautiful 15-month-old little girl. My husband and I got married after we were together for five years and have always wanted children so we started trying for a baby not long after getting married. We found out not long after that I have PCOS and my doctor told me getting pregnant would be difficult (less than 30 percent chance) but he prescribed me medication to boost my fertility. Six months later, our daughter was conceived. We were overjoyed over the pregnancy and besides me having terrible morning sickness and swelling ankles, everything went very smoothly. The only trouble we had was during labor which required a c-section but we still both came out healthy and fine. I was laid off from my job at seven months pregnant, but we accepted that well as I was able to stay at home with her. (We were terrified to put her in daycare.)

A year has passed and it has been stressful learning to be parents and still partners, but it has also been wonderful and fun. We love our baby girl and one another more than life itself. In the midst of planning her first birthday party in September, I didn’t notice I was late. By the end of the month, I realized I had never had my period. My husband bought a test and it was positive. We were surprised as we weren’t trying this time, but very happy to add to our little family. But on October 8th, I started bleeding. It did not stop. I lost our baby. We had only told our immediate family. And most of them tell us that since it is so common, it is no big deal. But it is a big deal to me. The baby was a miracle. Less of chance of existing than our first baby. I cannot help but think of the would-be baby. Of how long pregnant I would be now. I have put my energy into cleaning the house and being extra attentive to myself and my family. But it still aches inside. I want to get over it and believe it’s not a big deal but it’s so hard. I feel so angry. Why should my baby be taken from me when there are drug addicts who throw away their babies? How can I get over this? Is there something wrong with me to not get over it like everyone else seems to?

Maryanne replies

What do you mean, “Just get over it”? A miscarriage is a big, big deal. You do not “just get over it”. And, in your case, because of your difficulties, it is an even bigger deal. You will, in time, start to feel better. It is true that time does heal. Healing does not happen immediately. You do not just forget and move on. That would not be the way to deal with this traumatic event. Yes, it is traumatic. You need, and deserve, time to mourn the loss. I am sorry that anyone in your family used the phrase “no big deal”. It is true that early miscarriages are common, but that does not mean that they are not heart-breaking.
Forcing yourself to “get over it” (can you tell that I just hate, absolutely hate, that phrase!) is not what you should be doing. You should allow time to heal, you should not just try to forget and move on. Actually, I think that you are doing exactly what you should be doing. You are taking care of your home and your family, and yourself. As you said, ” I ache inside”. I am sorry that you ache, but I do think that you are having a normal response.

Please allow yourself time. Please take care of yourself. Pamper yourself during this time. You are not being weak by not just moving on and forgetting. You are dealing with the pain. Dealing with the pain is more difficult than just moving on. It is more difficult but better in the long run. I can tell that you are a strong woman and will come through this in time. I am very sorry, though, that this happened to you.

As to your comment about others that are throwing away their babies — I do understand how you feel. We can, though, only deal with our own lives. Many times, life is not fair. Try (difficult, I know) not to dwell on what you lost, but on what you have. I am not saying “just move on”. I am saying to try to find some joy to help you get through this difficult time.

I hope I have been able to give you some comfort today. You deserve hugs and support from all those around you.

I will be thinking of you and hoping you start to feel better sooner rather than later. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Letter #: 415497
Category: Children