…but should I tell my roommate’s girlfriends that he’s two-timing them? A letter writer doesn’t want to see other women get hurt;

our elder advises her to tread carefully.

Dear EWC

So I’m having significant trouble “letting this go”. I am a 28 y/o female living with three guys. One of these is my boyfriend, with whom I get along wonderfully and we love each other very much. One is a friend, pretty unobtrusive. The third, is my boyfriend’s best friend since high school. He is stubborn, immature, and slightly annoying, but after getting closer to him through dating my boyfriend, we have developed a nice rapport and mutual respect for each other for the most part. Well, he broke up with his girlfriend of a year and a half four months ago, had his “slutty phase”, as we call it. It was pretty upsetting. He’s been divorced twice, both times due to infidelity and his latest relationship ended for similar reasons. As a woman it upsets me to see him treat women with such disregard for their feelings.

Well, lately he’s been seeing this girl and we’ve met her and he’s invited her on a couple of dates with us and she’s cool and he tells her he loves her and he treats her very well. Last week he came home with another girl who is a mutual friend of all of ours, and he cooked for her. The next day, this other girl came over again, and they went immediately to the bedroom. They slept together… I only know this because I heard them which is embarrassing, but true. I was so livid I was having trouble speaking, because less than three days ago I heard him tell the girl he’s seeing that he loved her. I expressed all of this to my boyfriend, who sort of tried to defend him, saying that maybe it was more casual with the first girl than we thought, and that it was wrong to judge him without knowing all the facts. I want to tell both of these girls what he’s doing to them. I want to scream at him for being so disrespectful. I want to make sure he’s very aware of what the hell he’s doing. But then part of my thinks it’s not any of my business. I could ignore it if we didn’t live together. When it happens right under my nose, it just reminds me very much of the wool being pulled over my eyes by other guys and wishing someone had told me and it makes me want to be the one to tell these girls what is happening, or at least make sure they are aware that he is sleeping with both of them. Should I say something, or just butt out? I plan on talking to him about it but I haven’t been able to get him alone since he keeps bringing home whichever girl he is “in love” with that night. Thanks.

Here4U replies

I understand that you feel for these women and you have experienced similar situations such as this yourself which is making you want to tell both of these women about each other.

I would suggest that you not be the one to tell these women. I do not believe that it is your place or your responsibility, however I do believe it is your friend’s. He needs to let each woman know that he is currently also seeing another woman; however I doubt that he will do so unless you can persuade him to.

I would suggest that you do have a conversation with him. It sounds as if you two are close enough that you could have a conversation about it without upsetting or angering him. I would also suggest that you do not talk with him about this when you are feeling angry about it and that you not let it come off as an attack on him. If he feels he is being attacked he most likely will not listen to what you say.

I would suggest that you ask him if both women are aware that he seeing other women besides just them. Explain to him that you feel for these women, as you have been in an experience which left you feeling very hurt. Let him know that it is only fair for him to let each woman know that he is not seeing her exclusively.
If you feel as if you are getting through to him you may want to explain to him that the words “I love you” should not just be casually tossed around. You may want to explain to him that love does not hurt, however both will be very hurt when they find out that he was telling another woman that he loved her at the same time that he was telling her.

If you can have this conversation with him without becoming angry I believe that you can get through to him and he will end up being honest about his relationships with these women.

I believe that you will be doing both of these women a big favor by convincing him to be truthful with them. I also think it will help him to have a woman’s point of view. You have said that he is immature so possibly he has only thought of himself and he has never considered how his actions would affect these women. It may also help him to avoid doing the same thing again in the future.

I would also suggest that you not involve your boyfriend in this conversation. You can certainly inform him of what you are going to tell your friend, yet if the two of you both approach him together it may make him feel ganged up on. You also would not want to bring this up when either woman is there.

Hopefully, he respects you enough to listen to what you have to say. In my opinion, a good approach for you to take on would be that of the role of a helpful big sister to him. It would not matter if you are younger, you simply want him to view you as a friendly authority figure.

If he does not end up telling these women about each other then there will really be nothing else that you can do about the situation, but hopefully he will. As I said earlier, I do not believe it is up to you to tell them. I believe that if you did it could cause your friend to turn against you which could make for a very uncomfortable living arrangement for both you and your boyfriend.

I believe that we women need to stick together and I believe it is very admirable of you to care about these women’s feelings even though you are not close friends with either.

I wish only that you are able to get through to your friend.

Letter #: 432722
Category: Friendship