A letter writer’s husband has cancer, but he’s in denial about just how sick he is. How can she get him to talk to her about their finances?

Our elder has some suggestions.

Dear EWC

My husband has cancer and is very very sick — so sick he may not make it. I wanted to know what do I do when he dies as far as finances. Actually I am not sure how to ask for what I need. I’m not sure how to find things out like if we have insurance on our house that will or not be paid off, or when I should be doing this. He refuses to talk about anything and is in total denial that he is this sick. I know he will want to fight if I bring up the subject. Today he just fell but still refuses to admit he is sick. He is going through immunotherapy. Common sense should tell him he is this sick. He has lost at least 100 pounds and can’t eat and still vomits all day long and sleeps 95 percent of the time and when up is vomiting. I am just beside myself on this.

Terri-Anne replies

Thank you for writing to Elder WIsdom Circle regarding your difficult situation. I am so sorry your husband has basically left you without knowledge of your finances. It has put your future in jeopardy as you are aware but he is in denial.

Since your husband doesn’t want to talk to you about your future or the financial situation my suggestion is for you to find someone who can talk to him. Does he have a friend or relative he trusts? If so, then explain the situation to this person and ask him/her to reveal the information you are seeking.

Do you know where he keeps his financial records like a desk or separate office? I suggest you start looking there. Also, it seems to me you would be aware of the mail that arrives at your home. Certainly, your bank or credit card company would be sending bills unless everything is on your husband’s computer if he uses one. You will need passwords.

I hope the reason your husband has withheld information from you is not because of anything you have done in the past such as running up credit card debt or spending money unnecessarily. He may be of the mind that women can’t handle money. My father-in-law felt that way and kept everything about money a secret from his wife. She didn’t even know how much was spent on groceries. Fortunately, my husband doesn’t hold the same beliefs.

You especially need to know if your husband has life insurance, who the carrier is and the policy number. Those are questions that need to be addressed.

As I said before, I think the best thing to do is find the person who can talk with your husband. Someone he trusts.

I hope my advice is helpful and that you will contact Elder Wisdom Circle again if you need us. We are always here.

Letter #: 423324
Category: Marriage