My daughter met a boy on Xbox who lives in another state, and now she says she can’t live without him.

You can’t stop her, says our elder, but perhaps you can help her address her emotional dependency.

Dear EWC

My daughter is 19 and lives with my mother for a few years now. She graduated last year and had one job for three weeks and quit. She has been talking to a boy for almost two years who lives in another state; she met him on Xbox. He is seven days older than her and he still lives with his parents. I told my daughter he needed to come to meet us before she was going to another state to meet some boy. He came to visit in November for two weeks. Really nice kid; he called me Mom by the time he went back home. My daughter was very upset, crying a lot when he went home but after a couple of days, she was back to normal. So she went to Washington to stay with him for two weeks to meet his family. I told her I needed his address and another phone number in case of emergency. It was hard for me to let her go but she is 19. I told her to call me once a day, plus I was watching her puppy. She kept in contact with me. So I picked her up a week ago yesterday and she was crying and depressed the whole ride home. She told me the only reason she came back was because of her dog. I’ve tried to get him to move here but that isn’t an option. She is moving to Washington in November. In the meantime, she is so depressed crying and doesn’t want to get out of bed or even take care of her puppy cause all she thinks about is wanting to be with him. I am having a hard time letting her move but now her emotions have me worried. What can I do?

Good-Listener replies

I do understand the concern regarding your daughter. It sounds as though everyone has handled the “courtship” (so to speak) of the young man in an intelligent and cautious manner. I give you all credit for that.

My feeling is that your daughter should seek some therapy or counseling — and soon. She seems to be overly dependent on the young man — even though she knows she will likely be moving to be with him in six months. She is 19, so she can do what she wants, but it appears that she completely lacks direction or the desire to have any kind of job, career, hobby, etc. and can’t even take care of her puppy — which is a very basic responsibility and one that should show compassion and caring for a living creature under her care. I don’t mean that she is not a good or kind person. But it seems as though she is so, perhaps immature emotionally and consumed by this young man — and, perhaps, idealizing what life will be like. Her judgment may not be on track. Again, I don’t believe you can stop her from doing what she wants, but if she could get some help with her obsession and emotional dependency — it may help the relationship with him as well as clarity for herself. I know, you can’t force anyone to do anything, but if there’s a way you could research what’s available and present it to her — it’s worth a try. Good luck.

Letter #: 439554
Category: Children