My boyfriend is leaving to move to Spain, and he’s asking for online donations. Should I help him out?
Our elder has some blunt advice for a letter writer who has donated quite enough already.
Dear EWC
I have been in a relationship with a man for three years now. We were friends for a year before we started dating. He has always been a very whimsical person with a childlike curiosity for life. I am more of a Steady Eddie kind of person. I have tried to be supportive of all his adventures (except one). He is planning on moving to Spain for a year to further his studies. The program is for one year but I think he wants to spend more time in Europe even after his schooling. I have a really good job and a stable life in the US. He wants me to join him on his adventure, but he has made it clear he is going regardless and that he would love for me to ‘join’ him. That makes me feel like he really isn’t committed to me if I move out there so I am hesitant to make such a drastic move.
That was a little background on the situation but the advice I am seeking is whether I should donate to his online GoFundMe page. He is seeking donations from friends and family to help him with schooling costs. Now, in the over three years we have been together I have been the majority financial contributor to many things: concerts, dinners and date nights. I make more money than him so I don’t mind picking up the tab more often. My question and dilemma is: Now that he has this online fundraiser should I have to donate to that? Let me not be tit for tat but I have gone out of my way countless times and he has not been appreciative and even downright mean and rude when I have done nice things. I know that you shouldn’t do anything with any expectations in return but I do believe you should be kind to the person who has been kind to you. I have a feeling that he is expecting me to donate to his page but honestly, I don’t feel appreciated by him for lots of things that I have done and I feel like I have already done a lot over the three years. I don’t know how the relationship will fare; we are going to try long distance but I don’t think he will put enough effort to keep it going. That is another reason I am hesitant to donate. I wanted to speak to him about it to let him know that I am very supportive of his new journey but I don’t feel like I should donate money. OK, and just to make things more interesting there is an age gap: I’m 43 and he’s 30. I do love him and I know he loves me. He does the best he can most of the time but there are times that he really makes it hard to love him. I feel like he wants it to work out but I would be making a huge sacrifice, him not so much. Advice??
Maryanne replies
Do not go with him. I think, in your heart of hearts you know that it is time to end this relationship. There is an age gap which could be overcome if he was a mature 30 but he appears to be a young 30. He is still looking for adventures. He would love for you to join him on his adventures but they are his adventures. You did not plan an adventure together.
Donate? You should not donate. It appears that you have donated many times already. I do not really understand why anyone would want to “donate” to his adventure. He should work and save his money and pay for his own adventure.
I hope that you do not consider my response too harsh. I am looking out for your interests and am responding to you as I would to my own daughter. You seem to be a smart woman, with a good job and a stable life. Do not give this up for him. You can do much better than him.
It is difficult to initiate a break-up. You should think about where you would like to be five years from now. Do you still want to be supporting this child? That is really what you are doing. There is no chance of meeting someone else — someone who will treat you with the respect that you deserve — while you are involved with him.
I hope you find the strength to end this relationship. There is nothing for you here. He is a taker, not a giver.
Again, I am sorry for the advice I needed to give you this morning. Take care and please do write again if you would like to talk further.
Letter #: 439800
Category: Dating/Relationship
Holly
August 4, 2019This is great advice.
If she did go with him she would most likely be sponsoring most of the trip with her money and wiring home for more. If she wants to go to Europe let her do it on her own terms and she can do and go wherever she wants and not be stuck with his agenda.
I would also like to relay this, that I would not trust a man like this. He does not seem to be husband material, so why waste another moment of your youth with a disrespectful, hand out, selfish person such as him? If it is sex you want, honey, it’s all around you without any cost at all. You will need to raise the bar a lot more to get the type of man who is a man and not one who pretends to be.
I was single a single parent for 20 years and dated and had relations with more men than most women. It took me till I was 39 till I found the right one, but I learned a ton of lessons on the way. You may have to kiss a lot of frogs before the prince comes, but it can be fun if your eyes are open and your radar is working (Trust your gut).
The fact that your writing here says that it would not be in your best interest if you went with him. I once had a friend who was proposed to by her boyfriend, she asked me if she should marry him. I told her if she had to ask me then the answer is NO, don’t marry him. She was divorced a year after the wedding.
There is a great New York Times Bestselling book I read called, “The Surrendered Single”, ‘A practical guide to attracting and marryng the man who’s right for you’. By Laura Doyle. Every unmarried woman should read it.
Most men want to treat you special, if they want to have a serious relationship with you, so let them. It makes them feel good by you letting them do it. Because YOU ARE SPECIAL.
If you want drama in your life I suggest you join an acting class.