A letter writer is concerned that all her close friends are guys. Stop worrying, says our elder. Who needs bridesmaids anyway?
Dear EWC
From elementary school through 6th grade, about 98% of my close friends were girls. That was until I moved. I’ve just recently become a high school freshman. I’m a girl and I’ve been friends with this group of guys for over two years (ever since I moved). I know I love them with all my heart and I never want to lose them, but all of a sudden I’ve noticed the lack of girlfriends in my life. This will probably sound stupid, but when I start stressing about things I Google my problems to see how someone else dealt with it since I guess I’m not very confident in myself. Anyways, I did just that and it’s made me more insecure than ever… almost every website bashes girls who have a majority of guy friends and hang with them a lot and it’s worrying me. I don’t think I’m the girl they say I am; I know I’m not, but the fact that other people could view me as someone who is only hanging out with the guys for reassurance and attention is sad. I’m a pretty outgoing girl, in fact. I talk to both girls and boys in real life, it’s just the fact that I’m closer to the guys. I text these guy friends almost daily and hang out with them outside of school so much. I have gotten as close to a girl as I have a guy (friendship wise), but it didn’t end so well.
It seems all my closest girl friendships end in some sort of drama or we just drift… I just don’t have a good history with girls. The last two friendships that ended were over a guy they claim I was flirting with (I swear I wasn’t)… which is bad. I guess having all guy friends comes with a price, but they definitely make it worth it. Maybe subconsciously I shy away from girls knowing the sort of problems that can occur. I know guys might get into drama sometimes too, but in my history of friendships, we always manage to talk out our problems, unlike girls. These guy friends… they’re literally the best friends I’ve ever had; I love them as much as I love my family. I know usually friendships don’t last, but I really believe in these friendships.
I’m just worried that in the future, not having many girlfriends will cause problems like I won’t be able to choose my bridesmaids, I won’t have any girls to look to for my guy problems, I’ll be deemed as a whore, etc. I think I’m honestly scared of girls… of what they’ll think if I’m not good enough, that they won’t be able to relate to me and think I’m weird. A lot of the girls at my high school aren’t into the things I am; they’re into being “bad”. They smoke, party, hoe around, make a stupid musical.lys, trash talk other girls for stupid reasons, but all at the same time I know they’re all nice once you get to know them. I don’t really know why it’s hard to get close to girls. Should I try harder to talk to them and relate? Should I talk to the guys less? Is it bad all my friends are guys? Thinking about it makes me sad. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it. I’m super stressed over this stupid reason.
Hedwig replies
Stop worrying. Not having girlfriends to select as bridesmaids be the worst thing that ever happens to you. Think about it. Anyone you marry may have a sister or two — that would solve the problem. My granddaughter felt her brother was her best friend. He became her Man of Honor instead of a Maid of Honor and her groom had another guy as Best Man. It will be your wedding and you can do what you won’t — even have an all-male honor guard!
I also had more male than female friends in high school and enjoyed their company. I found many of the girls trivial and involved in cliques that were unpleasant. If you want to read a very revealing book about the society of teenage girls read Queen Bees and Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman. It is an eye-opener about relationships and will give you insights into the behavior you wrote about and found so objectionable — such as jealousies and backstabbing.
Guy are far more straightforward in their friendships. I think you are lucky to have these friends in your life.
My daughter had four very close male friends. She has now been married for over 25 years and has her own son and daughter and still gets together with these guys when the out-of-towners come into town. They enjoy dinner and chatting about old times. It is a lifelong connection.
About having girls to look to for guy problems — never a good idea. They are not all nice when you get to know them. This will get easier and the situation will improve as girls turn into women — which will happen! Meanwhile, what a great resource you are for the males in explaining the female point of view to them.
Please stop stressing. You are obviously your own person. Be proud of that. Do not try harder. Just be yourself. Do not talk to guys less, enjoy the friendships. Did it ever occur to you that some of the girls may resent that you have male friends and feel at ease with them?
Don’t be scared of girls. They may be scared of you because you are at ease in the male world, and they are not! You are in a far better position than they are. Be proud, never apologize, and ignore any labels! You know your friends value you for yourself. And that is what counts.
Letter #: 427739
Category: Friendship