My friend with benefits says he isn’t ready for a relationship. Should I leave him?

Absolutely, says our elder. He’s unlikely to change.

Dear EWC

So I have a weird situation. It started out as a friendship, then he started spending nights with me. I came through a divorce two years ago and he had a very bad past that he is trying to get past. We both are on the mend. He told me that he doesn’t want a relationship right now because he needs to get himself back together and he has never done anything on his own and he wants to do things on his own before he thinks of a relationship. He also tells me that he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants me by his side while he gets through it all and that we will probably move in together when he gets it all together. In some ways, I feel that he is just telling me what I want to hear to keep me around and on the other, I melt and think, “Aww he wants me here but he just needs time.” He also tells me that he has never truly been in love and I treat him better than any girl he has ever had. I don’t know what to think or what to do because I really care for him and I don’t want to leave but I battle in my head what to do. Also, I have two kids that absolutely adore him so there’s that too.

Phil replies

I hope I can answer to your satisfaction. Please hear what I have to say before you make a decision.

Lets see if I have this right. You came out of a divorce and he had a tough past. To make everybody happy he began spending nights with you and said, “maybe you will move in together someday”. He doesn’t want to lose you but right now isn’t a good time for a relationship, from his point of view.

In my opinion you are getting nothing from this arrangement except a warm body once in a while. He enjoys you when he stays with you but when the sun comes up he is confused and trying to find his way. Can you read what you are saying to me? It’s all for him and none for you.

I believe that he will continue as is until he tires of the situation and then move on. At this time he has nothing invested except for a couple of hours at night. I can’t understand all these maybe’s and somedays and we mights he is suggesting.

I doubt that you have any positive future with this man. He has what he wants now and probably won’t ever change. If I were you, I would get away from him quickly so you, and your kids, don’t become any more involved. Believe me that it is for the best.

Letter #: 446777
Category: Dating/Relationship