What to do when you have a lot of questions and no confidence?

Our elder says take the time to explore who you are and find your sense of self.

Dear EWC:

I’m a female who’s in love with, or out of love, with another female. I’m in high school still, so nobody really cares. But I’m scared to tell my family that I’m into both genders. I don’t know if it’s permanent, but I don’t think it is. My family is strictly religious so they might disown me… But my girlfriend was really mean and doesn’t really treat me like a real person anymore. So we haven’t talked in about two weeks. I think it’s over. I’m not exactly upset, but I think I should move on. However, I’m overly insecure. I have no confidence to go up and flirt like I used to be able to do. Am I losing my touch? Is it my fault?

PJH replies:

So you’re a young woman whose sexual feelings pay no attention to gender. If a person strikes you as appealing you can imagine being sexually intimate with them. Well, that may be a blessing or a curse, but regardless, it’s nobody’s business but your own and your choice of lover; if you’re choosing not to act on your feelings it’s nobody’s business but yours. If you don’t want to risk upsetting your family don’t tell them.

If you’re like most people in high school there are already a bunch of things you think and do that your folks have little or no knowledge of, so add your sexual feelings to the list. Chances are, they really don’t want to know too much, anyway. I suspect that mostly they want to love you as they think you are, so I urge you to continue to show them that person until you’re quite sure you know who you really are—and that may be quite a long time from now.

I’m sorry your girlfriend lacks understanding and tact, but I’m not surprised you feel shunned. Like your parents, many people still have a lot of trouble shifting from black and white to a rainbow of color when it comes to sexual expressions and the gender spectrum. Recent shifts in thinking haven’t yet translated into shifts in comfort levels when people are confronted with realities that have always been there but have escaped recognition for what they are. You’re neither unusual nor flawed. You’re a young woman sorting through her sense of self to discover who she is. And if you’ve become more cautious about opening up to people, less sure of yourself when you feel like flirting, my guess is that it fits your present uncertainty about what you really want for yourself.

My advice is to expect a lot less of people who aren’t ready to understand and quietly discover the classmates who do. And please don’t be tempted to see yourself at fault. At this moment, think of yourself as exploring who you are and what you want. There’ll likely be some dead ends, but also discoveries that give you a whole lot better understanding of yourself and the best place for you in our extraordinarily diverse society.

Letter: 429739
Category: Dating/Relationship