What to do when you’re in long-distance love but a parent has doubts?

Our elder reminds us that love may not always conquer all.

Dear EWC:

My girlfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship–now for three and a half years. We are both 21 years old. We are happily in love and are having a great relationship. However, the only main issue is that her father is completely against this.

The reason: I live in another country, and he wants his daughter to marry someone of the same country. We told him about our relationship only a few weeks ago, because we knew exactly this stuff would happen. Ever since then, it was pure hell. He did all sorts of stuff to prevent this, such as threatening the family that he would quit his job and put all on the street, divorce her mother etc.

Basically he tried, and will continue to try anything in his hand to prevent our relationship. My girlfriend was strong until now, but she is beginning to lose her power. I’m afraid she will get into depression.I also want this to end because I feel I am responsible and feel like I am destroying a family. I am sure a lot of couples would have broken up under these circumstances, but we just can’t. I think we love each other too much for that. Everyone I asked for advice is speechless. Therefore, any help/opinion/solution would be really kind to hear. Thanks in advance.

JensPen replies:

I am so glad that you have written for some advice regarding your relationship with your girlfriend and with her father. In reading your letter I can sense how upset and worried you are. Relationships are tricky and long distance relationships bring with them a whole set of different issues.

There are a few things that I don’t quite understand. You live in two different countries. How did you meet in the first place? You have been together for 3 + years…how much of that time have you spent together, in real day to day life? I am asking these questions because I know that in this world of technology and social media that we live in, some couples are “together” only through the Internet. Is this your situation? If so I can certainly understand her father’s concern.

In order to really know someone it takes lots of one on one time together. Holding hands, looking into one another’s eyes, just hanging out and talking….all of this is what starts to build a deep personal connection. I have no doubt that you both love each other but whether or not you have what it takes to sustain a life long relationship can really only be found out by being physically together day in and day out. Do you ever see each other? What are your lives like? Are you in school or working? At 21 you are both considered adults so what is your plan? Will you move to her country? Can you get a good job there? Perhaps if her father gets to know you he too will see what a fine young man you are and that you only have the best intentions with his daughter. Try and put yourself in his position….how would you react ? Do your two countries have similar cultures? Would you be able to adapt to the culture of her country or her to yours?

There is a lot to consider and “love does not conquer all”. You must consider all the different scenarios and plans for everything. How long are you willing for this long distance relationship to continue? Eventually you will want to get married and have a family. This type of relationship is not a healthy one if it is based only on a cellphone and computer screen.

You both are young and should be getting out into the world and experiencing real life and real people. I truly hope I have given you some valuable advice to think about and act on. I wish you both the very best of luck and hope that you will really think about and talk about the points I have given you.
I am confident that you will make the right decision for the both of you .

Dating/Relationship
#451382