She’s mad that I called her out. And she’s still posting lewd stuff!

Even if your intentions were good, says our elder, you may need to apologize.

Dear EWC:

Well for starters, I have a cousin. We both like anime. Recently I’ve been seeing her posts on Facebook being a little bit lewd (okay not a little bit, a LOT). Example is her sharing an anime girl doing someone a blowjob, a gif of an anime hentai, etc. I warned her if she continued this she will attract some perverts and people will get the wrong idea of her (like wanting to have sex or being sexually frustrated) she shrugged it off saying she can post whatever she wants since it’s her account and if other people will get the wrong idea then it’s their fault not hers. And now she’s kinda angry at me and still continues to post stuff like that. Note: she’s 17.

Folk replies:

You were not wrong to want to warn your cousin about the possibility of attracting unwanted attention with her lewd posts. Your intentions were good, after all. You were only trying to look out for your cousin and keep her safe. The trouble is that instead of appreciating your advice, she resented it—probably because she felt “judged” by you. Apparently, she either doesn’t assess the risk the same way you do, or doesn’t care if her posts draw the wrong kind of interest. At any rate, right now she is kind of angry with you for speaking out and making her feel bad.

So, here’s the thing: You had your say. You shared your concerns with your cousin and explained the reasons behind them, and that’s really all you can do. If she stays mad, you may need to say something. I know you think you are the “wronged” party here, the one whose good intentions were misunderstood. But right now, that doesn’t matter because, however well intended, you said something to your cousin that hurt her feelings. So, if you want to make-up with her, I suggest acknowledging this by saying something like “It was rude of me to criticize your posts. I’m sorry.”

The hardest part about doing this is resisting the urge to justify your actions by further explaining them. By empathizing with your cousin, you may feel like you are betraying yourself, but you’re not. You’re just empathizing. And surprisingly, once you do this, you may find your cousin listening to your advice. In other words, once she doesn’t feel criticized or judged by you, she may be able to HEAR the wisdom of what you are saying.

I hope this helps. I am always here if you’d like to talk more about this. Good luck!

Friendship
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