… so can I win back my ex? She says she loves me but she’s not in love.

This is a red flag, says our elder. Carry on your journey of personal growth but let her go.

 

Dear EWC

I recently asked for advice concerning a problem. This problem caused my girlfriend to walk out on me. This happened back in May as well but we got back together four weeks later. I did not correct the problem and she walked out again seven weeks ago. I am now seeking help for the problem and have informed my ex girlfriend. This time round there has been a lot of anger on both sides and I have said and done silly things. 

My ex told me she loves me but is not in love. She went back to an ex as she did in May. This ex lives three hours away and the family do not approve because it was a violent relationship. I know my ex is probably seeking the excitement. She says she has no intention of moving back with her. If she got back with her ex some of her family would disown her. She has two sons, of which one no longer talks to her because of her going back to her ex in May; the other son is not happy with her either and may also disown her if they got back together. I find it hard to understand that she would put her ex before her family. 

My main question is, do I try and get her back? I love her very much and am trying to change for the better. At the moment she is so angry with me over things I have said and done. I was angry when I did these things because not only did she do the same thing in May but twice she dumped me by text message. I am currently trying not to contact her and give her space but I am finding it really hard. I do believe she loves me and maybe I am basing her coming back on the fact that she did in May. I have tried to apologize and said I am getting help for my issues. I don’t know whether to just walk away or try and win her back. Not really sure how to go about it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

 

Sageworthy replies

Seems like there was a lot of turmoil in the relationship you had with your girlfriend; anger swirling around in both directions. Must have felt very unsettling, to say the least.

I am glad to hear that you are receiving help for your issues, and that you have apologized for the missteps you have taken in the past. If you truly are beginning to understand what is going on with you, and the effect your behavior has on other people; apologizing and working on yourself, are tremendous first steps towards healthier relationships in your future. I commend you for these actions.

Nancy, that being said; working on your issues and apologizing, does not immediately correct what has transpired between you and your ex. From what you describe, there was a lot of toxic behavior on both sides. Sometimes these things can be healed; and people can move on together… and sometimes the damage has just been too great for any meaningful repair to take place. 

Importantly, you mention that your ex said that she “loves you, but is not in love with you”. Nancy, painful as it may be, this is a red flag that is concerning. She has made herself clear and told you how she feels. She “dumped” you twice. She may have come back to you in May due to habit, fear, and/or loneliness. You can’t force or will the relationship to continue.

My advice to you is to continue on your journey towards introspection and personal growth. The rewards could be phenomenal. Walk away with a sense of determination, hope, and excitement about a promising future. I understand that it won’t be easy. It can be miserable when things don’t work out as we had planned. My heart goes out to you. You may have been hoping for different advice. I do feel that I owe you my sincere and honest appraisal of your situation. I would offer my own child the same guidance.

Relationships bring opportunity to learn about ourselves and others. Sometimes there is pain that goes along with it; nevertheless, a valuable experience, if we choose to grow and mature from what has transpired. 

I do wish you peace and strength as you move ahead. Take care of yourself. May your relationships be meaningful and rewarding.

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