We have a toxic relationship and now she has dementia. 

Caring for people with dementia is hard, says our elder. Help your sister find the best care home your family can afford. 

 

Dear EWC

My mom always favors my three brothers. She doesn’t appreciate what I do for her. They never had chores and no consequences for their actions. I told her that they were being mean to me and she said nothing to them. My brother provokes me, then cries to my mom and she tells me to stop. She now has dementia. I had to move out. My brother said, “Stop threatening and just do it.” So, I did. My brother is behind on the rent and bills. I think that they may be evicted soon. My sister wants to put her in a home. Should I take her in? Told her that I don’t feel like I’m important to her and she said nothing.

 

JanLynn replies

I hope you won’t take in your mother. Living with someone who has dementia is very difficult. Care homes have ways of handling dementia clients/patients that work best for them. Because you and she have had a toxic relationship for years, I can’t believe the two of you could make it work now that she has the added problem of dementia.

My advice is for you to help your sister find the best care home the family can afford, but don’t let any of the family persuade you to take her in. Based solely on what you wrote us, I don’t believe it will work and you will be very unhappy very soon. In addition, it’s probably not the best thing for your mom because she could be more agitated due to the years-long problems in the home that don’t involve dementia.

You’ve already had to move away from her. If you were to take her in, moving away from her would not be an option. Then what would happen? How miserable would you be?

If you find yourself still thinking it might be the thing to do, to move her in, consider talking with a counselor to get a new perspective. Sometimes we just can’t do what’s best for ourselves on our own. Take your time, consider all of the ramifications, and consider how you will be treated. People with dementia can exhibit all sorts of behavioral issues, sometimes even involving violence. A counselor can spell out how those with dementia act and react, and what the future holds for them.

I hope a few of my thoughts will be helpful for you in coming to terms with how things really are instead of hoping they were different and all would be well if only you took care of your mom. I’m sorry, but I can’t see it working. Take good care of yourself and be well.

Article #: 480546

Category: Family