I like her, she likes me… but her friend wants two weeks to try and get me as a prom date.
Time is off the essence, says our elder. Ask the girl you really like to the prom.
Dear EWC
Alright so I’m a junior in high school who has almost locked a prom date, but the other day I found out that I wouldn’t even have to ask her myself because she was planning on asking me… so why didn’t she just do it? Well because a classmate supposedly wanted two weeks to try and hook up with me because she allegedly has had a crush on me since freshman year, and as I said, wanted two weeks to try and get me as a date. The girl who has a crush on me I consider to be a really good friend but not someone I would want to start dating. I want to stay friends with her but what is the nicest way to say no to her? I’m afraid if I come off the wrong way I might affect how the girl who was going to ask me in the first place looks at me – then she might think that I’m rude and not worth going with. So basically, what is the most respectful way to tell her no? I should also mention that I’ve never had a date to anything in my life because I’m usually the quiet kid in school, so I’ve never been in a situation like this in my life, and I’m just scared I’m going to really hurt someone’s feelings. Thank you very much for your time
Nick replies
Time is of the essence so I’m responding more speedily than most of our letters receive advice.
You will find, when faced with choices in life, that if you try to base your decision on pleasing everyone else or avoiding displeasing anyone else, you will not succeed. It’s not selfish to base your decisions on pleasing yourself or being comfortable with doing what is right for you even if other people get ruffled feathers or disapprove.
From what you’ve written, however, I think you have an easy way out of what you are seeing as a no-win situation. All you have to do is contact the girl you want to ask either tonight (don’t know your time zone) or tomorrow, and ask her. If you don’t have her social media contact, then do it first thing Monday morning.
Why you feel bound to sit back and wait for her to ask you or to abide by some concocted two week waiting period so the girl who is crushing on you, has a shot – especially since you already know you don’t want to go with her – I have no idea.
I strongly urge you from this moment on, not to invite or allow other people’s voices into your romantic decisions, period. Be your own young man. Make your own decisions. Tune out wagging tongues when they let you know that someone is interested in you or wants to ask you out or likes/dislikes you. Make your romantic business your business and not theirs. If you want to ask someone out, then do so, pure and simple.
In this particular case I recommend you ask the girl you want. If she feels obligated to wait (for some nutty reason) two weeks, then that’s on her. Meanwhile, should the girl who has a crush on you, actually ask you, you can truthfully tell her that you have already asked someone else which gets you out of what you are imagining is a difficult spot these two girls are putting you in.
When I was a senior in high school a new girl transferred to our school and I shared six out of seven classes with her. She was beautiful, perky, bright and all the guys talked about her but didn’t have the cajones to talk with her. Prom was coming and one day I screwed up my courage, walked across the cafeteria to her table and asked if she wanted to go with me. I already figured I knew she would say ‘no’ because I was a real nerd with the acne thing going on to boot. But to my utter surprise she said ‘yes’. Everyone, including me, was in shock. If I had listened to everyone else, I never would have asked her. If I had waited, I may have missed my shot (with apologies to Alexander Hamilton).
So, go for it as quickly as you can. Ignore those who have created some drama by giving the girl-with-the-crush a two-week window to get you to date her, as if you are some kind of carnival prize who has no say in any of this. Find your voice. Use your voice. Ask the girl you want to ask and have a tremendous time. And if the girl-with-the-crush, or any of the wagging tongue advice-givers or anyone else feels put upon that you showed some initiative and went for it on your time table, well that’s their problem, not yours.
If anything I’ve advised is confusing, shoot me a follow-up. If not, feel welcome to use EWC anytime you have a question. And if you want, let me know how it all turns out. I think the girl you want to take would be a fool to pass on going with you because you seem like the perfect young man who is sensitive and caring. Now show everyone that you can be decisive because you are your own person.
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