Am I doomed to be unlucky in love? 

Absolutely not, says our elder. Stop feeling desperate and the magic will happen when the time is right.

 

Dear EWC

Romance for me has always been something I never thought about, up until this past year or so. Somehow, it’s on the forefront of my mind. I don’t know why or how but I suddenly started to find myself hopelessly looking for love. And every crush I’ve had this past year has rejected me. I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong at this point. A good majority of my friends have boyfriends or girlfriends, while another part has people they’re talking to and have the potential to be in relationships with. My friends always joke when I have a new crush and I’m so sick of it. I just want someone to be in love with me. It’s so draining now to think about how lonely I feel. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore.

 

Hildegard replies

Just because you haven’t met the right person yet doesn’t mean that you never will. But I encourage you to do two things: First, take every opportunity that exists to meet new people. Take a new class. Ask your friends if they know someone who might be compatible with you. Sign up for a dating app if that’s your thing. Talk to strangers if you get the chance. In other words, put yourself out there where people are meeting and talking. 

After you’ve started to open yourself up in these ways, the second thing you need to do is to stop feeling so desperate. People always back away from someone who exudes an air of desperation. Instead of dwelling on your feelings of hopelessness and on your belief that you’ll never find someone special, you have to learn to be truly happy in yourself. Don’t wait until you are part of a couple to do the things that interest you. You can do almost everything solo:  Travel. Go out to eat. Go to the theater. Watch old movies. And, instead of thinking how much more enjoyable these things would be with a partner, just think about how enjoyable they are in themselves. I know you’ve heard this advice before but it is true. No one is going to love you if you can’t love yourself.

So, the thing to do about your situation is really – nothing. Concentrate on being the most fun-loving, well-adjusted person out there and you will meet someone when the time is right. In the meantime, enjoy your life as a single person and don’t stress about it. Everyone wants to meet that perfect guy or gal and, for most people, it happens eventually and when you least expect it. While you’re spending this time working on yourself, you might ask yourself if there’s something you’re doing or some vibe you’re putting out there that turns people off. You say you’ve always been unlucky in love. There may be some reason for that and it may well be something that you can improve on. You might even ask a trusted friend if there’s anything they have noticed that might be a deterrent to someone who could be interested in you. You might be surprised to learn that you are always frowning or that you act too eager or one of a hundred other things that might turn people off.

The bottom line is to just be the best you that you can be. The magic will happen. You also mentioned that, until recently, you hadn’t thought a lot about attracting someone. Maybe you just need practice smiling and making small talk. You’d be surprised to learn that the smallest social cues have a lot to do with someone being attracted to you. Don’t let your friends give you a hard time and add to your stress. Just tell them you are open to meeting someone when and if that comes to pass. 

Instead of labeling yourself unlucky in love, just think of yourself as not having been discovered yet. You will be. And the feelings will be that much more intense and enjoyable because you waited for them to come along. I’ve known people who didn’t make a real love connection until they were well up in years and had given up on meeting someone. It will happen when the time (and the person) is right.

I wish you all the best.

Article #: 484840
Category: Other