Feel Like Mom is Choosing Her New Husband Over Me

 

Original Letter

My father has passed away 4 years ago. My mother just remarried a man who she has only known for three months. I have only met him once. I’m getting married soon and three months ago my mother asked if she could bring a “male friend” to the wedding. I was uncomfortable with it and explained my reasons why my answer was no and she said she would respect my wishes.

Now that she has married him she is insisting he be invited or she will not come to my wedding stating she needs to stand by her husband. I’m shocked that my mother would choose this man, whatever he is to her, that she only has known for three months over her own son. Now I don’t known what to do. Should I stand my ground and risk not have my mother at my wedding or give in and invite him?

Elder Response

I’m so sorry that this is a problem for you.  I think I can understand that you may have been uncomfortable three months ago when your mother asked to bring a male friend to your wedding, although I have to say that I also think it would have made your mother happy if you had agreed.

You say you’re shocked that she would choose this man ‘whatever he is to her’ over you, her son.  Well, like it or not, what he is to her now is her husband and therefore he is her priority. She is right that she has to stand by him.   I’m sorry that you lost your dad, but he’s been gone for four years and I think you could be happy that your mother has found a new love. You say you’ve only met him once – was there something about him you disliked?  Did you make an effort to get to know him?  Don’t you love your mother and want her to be happy? How does your fiancee feel about possibly not having her mother-in-law at her wedding?  Do her family understand why you don’t want to invite her husband?

I think accepting her choice of a husband and including him in what should be the happiest day of your life would make both of you happy.  I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I think you would always regret it if your mom boycotted your wedding for a perfectly legitimate reason and your relationship with her may never be the same again.  She would also, obviously, be very unhappy to miss her son’s wedding. I’m sure she loves you very much and is terribly hurt by this – I know I would be.

Please consider taking the high road and invite him. I believe it’s the right thing to do.  I wish you every happiness in your marriage and your future and I hope you’ll feel free to write back if you want to talk more.

Best Regards,

Alexandra