I’m 15, He’s 45
Original Letter
hi,i recently asked for advice on this topic but i didn’t fully explain every detail. I’m a 15 year old female, the man in this situation is my old neighbor and a retired cop hes in his mid 40’s. When i first met him i was 13 but he thought i was 19. before he knew how young i was he would flirt and give me compliments every time i saw him. he would also drop subtle hints about how young his past girlfriends were. (they were all 23 or older) this is when i started thinking about being with him. we soon moved away and loss contact with him.
this summer we started to talk again. it seems like every time i see him he can not keep his hands off of me. when im in his house he’ll squeeze the sides of stomach or he will try to hold on to me. ill be at the age of consent next month and he knows that which is why i think hes been flirting this much. i know that hes older and has nothing else to give me but sex but thats all i want. does it seem bad yet? well heres the fucked up part. my mother and father are going through a divorce and my mother believes that this man is into her. she wants to try to start an affair with him but i absolutely hate the thought of it. of course, i had my eyes on him for almost three years. is it right for me to feel like this?
Elder Response
First and foremost, Kate, this man is not only behaving inappropriately toward a 15 year old girl but if he’s touching you in a sexual manner then he’s also committing sexual battery against a minor. I’m not certain what state you live in, but in some states the age of consent isn’t until 18 years old. At that point you are considered an adult. States which allow for legal consent at age 16 have a “close-in-age” exemption. I believe this to mean that the involved people must be within a 3-4 year age difference in order for the legal consent law to be effective. Certainly a man in his forties does not fall into this category. I’m not familiar with the law but I interpret it to mean that if you engage in consensual sex with someone close to your own age, then it is not prosecutable. In the eyes of the law, however, a 40 something man having sex with a 16 year old girl would still be considered a crime.
It is not wrong or abnormal to have a crush on an older man, Kate. This is part of being a teen with plenty of burgeoning hormones. Each of us has felt strong sexual desire for an older man at one time in our life or another. However, acting on these impulses at your tender age is not only ill advised but not in your best interest. If he is a retired peace officer he is still being held to a higher standard even after retirement. I assure you he could lose his retirement badge should anyone file a complaint against him for touching a minor inappropriately. Notwithstanding his former position, as a man in his forties he has no business coming on to a 15 year old girl.
Kate, fantasies are an innocent and natural part of life, but when those fantasies turn into reality, they can often times backfire with serious consequences. You currently lack the emotional maturity to handle a sexual relationship with an older man. For him it would just be sex but for you it could take on a far greater meaning. As women we organically develop emotional feelings once things become intimate.
As for your mother, I hope she does not attempt to get involved with this man. If she is going through a divorce, it would likely end up being a classic “rebound” situation. Moreover, if this man is therefore around you more often, this has the potential for dire consequences. I hope I’m reading your letter correctly and please forgive me if I’m wrong but my take is that your mom is now hoping to start an affair with this very same man.
Kate, as much as you may not wish to hear this, you are far too young to have sex with a middle-aged man. You have all the time in the world for sexual exploration, hopefully with someone much closer to your own age. I strongly recommend that you tell your mom this man has been flirting with you and has touched you inappropriately. As the adult, your mother has a responsibility to process this information and do with it what she will. I realize telling your mother would be very difficult to do but if it keeps her from pursuing him, it will be far better for both of you in the long run.
Best Regards,
Linda