Edelleye

“But I really want to audition. I want to make a debut and make music that reaches people’s souls and give performances that makes them forget about reality for a little while.”

Our Elder says: “You have many dreams of the type of life that you want.  That is how it should be at your age.”

Dear EWC,

For almost two years now, I’ve had the seed in my mind of wanting to audition for a company far away and train to become a singer. It plagues my mind and doesn’t leave me alone. I think about it every single day and I want to audition in February. I heard that if a dream keeps coming back to haunt you, then it’s what you’re supposed to do. But I don’t really know what I want. The thought of living a regular life frankly scares the crap out of me — working a 9-5, raising a family, just going through life quietly, just… nothing noteworthy or special about it. Honestly, with respect to people who live like that, it sounds like a nightmare to me. But at the same time, there are things in that quiet life that I don’t want to have to give up. Being a fangirl, going to all of my favorite bands’ concerts, having a cute room, casually walking over to Dunkin and getting a coffee, planning hangouts and walking around the city with my friends. It’s all very mundane but those are the experiences I don’t want to give up.

But I really want to audition. I want to make a debut and make music that reaches people’s souls and give performances that makes them forget about reality for a little while. I don’t know if I’m ready, but I’m turning 17 next year so I’m running out of time. There are things I think about doing when I’m an adult — getting an apartment, adopting my own cat, having a girlfriend and potentially getting married to her. But I can’t do those things if I’m in the spotlight. I can do some of the little things I mentioned earlier, but… I just don’t know.

I knew it would have sacrifices from the start. I hear about the sacrifices that people who made it big have made all the time. And I am ready to give up a lot of things. But would it be worth it? What all the suffering and intense exertion from training all day, every day just burns me out? I know I have passion, and I want this so bad. I just don’t know if I could survive that industry. What if my group made it big and the fans didn’t like me?

Sometimes when I think about it too hard I just get so scared. But maybe it would be worth the risk. I think about being received negatively a lot but what if I end up becoming an artist who makes songs that saves people’s lives? Songs where girls who feel lonely can find solace?

I want to do what my favorite band did for me, for someone else. I don’t know if I’m worthy of it but I really want to try. I think I would regret it forever if I didn’t pursue this. But I’m just so terrified and confused. I don’t want to give up everything, but that’s what this job would entail. The company will say I’m past the audition age if I wait until I’m older. I’m 16 now, it’s my last chance. I’ve been thinking about this since I was 14.

Anyway, thank you for reading all this. I hope you have a nice day, and thank you in advance for the advice. <3

Mimi23 Response:

Thank you for coming to Wisdom Circle for some advice Ven. Please know that we are very concerned about your issues and want to provide some useful guidance.

When you describe being scared of having a “normal” life I can remember feeling the same way.  You want to have adventures and a different sort of life than the one you see all around you.  That is all a part of being young.  You have many dreams of the type of life that you want.  That is how it should be at your age.

I do applaud your honesty and passion about beginning a singing career.  I am sure that you know the music business and entertainment in general are both challenging and highly competitive.  Even if you have plenty of talent, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to excel in the entertainment world.  You could be lucky and get a big break.  You might have to wait tables for many years, as you audition and try to perfect your craft.  There will probably be many disappointments along the way.  There will be bright spots too.  But nobody knows how it will all play out for you.  That is just how things are.

I believe that when you have a big dream, it is best to start with some small steps.  I don’t know what kind of vocal training (if any) you have had.  Maybe you want to look into that.  How much singing experience have you had?  This is something that someone giving you an audition would need to know.  Have you ever been part of a chorus or other singing group?  Is it possible to get some basic training now?

My advice to you Ven, is to start finding out what you need to do to start on the path and then do it.  You have been thinking about this for three years, so it is time to take some action.  Find the people (teachers, parents, other family members etc) that can help you get started.  Take some small steps towards your goal and see how you do.  But take those first steps now.

The reality is that most of us have to work for a living Ven.  We all want to have jobs that are interesting and fulfilling and sometimes exciting.  Most of us only get that once in awhile.  But your life is what you make it.   And as the years go by, your ideas about the type of life that you want will continue to change.

I have every confidence that you will explore and grow and find the life work that suits you best.

Mimi23

“I was really worried that she thought I was dumb. I was also worried that she didn’t view me like everyone else.”

Our Elder says: “An opinion from an unqualified, random, person should be given as much credence  as an explanation of quantum mechanics from the burger flipper at your favorite hamburger joint.”

Dear EWC,

There is something that I feel like I need advice on.

A few years ago, I discovered that I may have Asperger’s syndrome. A few years later, a woman told me that having Asperger syndrome might prevent me from finding gainful employment. When she said that, I felt like I was dumb, stupid, an idiot. You name it. Every word that had to do with putting down someone’s intelligence, I felt it. My feelings were really hurt by what she said. I also felt like I wasn’t worth anything and that i was a loser. I was really worried that she thought I was dumb. I was also worried that she didn’t view me like everyone else. From that moment forward, every time she and I spoke, I felt self conscious around her. Even though it was a few years ago, I still struggle with what she said, I have a hard time blocking it out.

When I go downtown or other places, I see people who are drunk, homeless, panhandlers, use drugs and passed out. I once saw a man downtown and his shoes were so damaged, his toes were showing. When I see things like that, what the woman said pops up and I immediately turn away from it. I don’t want to end up like that. I want to do what I can to make my life mean something. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not a dumb person. I’m really not. That is something that I can’t stress enough. I wanted to speak with the woman about what she said and how it made me feel but I didn’t. I kept it to myself. I regret not talking to her about it because if I did, I don’t think I would be thinking about it as much as I do. Maybe I wouldn’t be thinking about it at all. Since 2019, I’ve been working at Walmart. I started out as a cart pusher and eventually become a stocking associate.

I also worked as a dietary aide in a hospital after volunteering there for some time. I’m also enrolled in a community college studying computers. I’m also in the process of trying to get my own one bedroom apartment. Even though I’m trying to get my life to where I want it to be, I still have a hard time blocking out what she said. What should i do to block this out and move forward?

Wisdom Keeper Ketchman Response:

Thank you,  Shane, for reaching out to us.  I’m one of the Elders here at the Elder Wisdom Circle.  I’ll try to help.

First I want to assure you that a medical or psychological “diagnosis” from a totally unqualified individual is meaningless.  A more meaningful opinion would be one that comes from a medical professional with extensive psychological training and experience and, even then, after extensive interviews and testing.  An opinion from an unqualified, random, person should be given as much credence  as an explanation of quantum mechanics from the burger flipper at your favorite hamburger joint.  For whatever it’s worth, it’s of interest to note that “Asperger’s” is no longer considered to be a legitimate medical diagnosis.  What was once called “Asperger’s Syndrome” would now be a point somewhere on a rather long line of the autism spectrum.

I’ve no professional psychological qualifications whatsoever; however, based upon my own experiences it seems that being somewhere on that line – which I hasten to add  you have not received a true diagnosis of – is not, necessarily a disadvantage.  It can actually be an advantage based upon the unique ways of observing the world possessed by many “on the spectrum”. Albert Einstein, Elon Musk, Darryl Hannah, are just a few of the many geniuses of science, industry, letters, and the arts who were built that way.  Here’s a site that goes into some detail on that: https://behavioral-innovations.com/blog/20-famous-people-with-autism-spectrum-disorder-asd/#:~:text=She%20(%20Daryl%20Hannah%20)%20received%20an,Daryl%20Hannah%20)%20career%20as%20an%20actress.

So, Shane, what I’m trying to say is I want you to understand that a casual diagnosis by an unqualified individual is meaningless and, even if there might be a smidgen of truth; that could  be to your advantage.  In any case, go on with your life, as you’ve been doing, take whatever advanced training that catches your interest, and I suspect you’ll discover your fears were pure imagination.  In the words of one of our great presidents, “…the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself…”.

We’re honored that you’ve come to us for help on such an important matter.  I hope you’ll use us again, anytime we might be of assistance on whatever issues might come up.  Thank you for giving me a chance to help.  I hope I was able to.

Best Regards,

Elder Ketchman

“I make new friends, but they all drift away and I feel lonely. What should I do?” 

Our Elder says: “People have their own troubles and can’t always be there even if they want to. But we usually get what we expect; have faith that good times are ahead.”

Dear EWC,

I made my New Year’s resolution to make new friends. It started off beautifully; I made a few friends and that turned into making friends with mutual friends. Wonderful. 

As the year went on, I slowly began losing friends when my other friends decided some of our mutuals were harmful. And then everything went to hell. I survived the year with one friend by my side. Long story short, my one last friend, who I decided was worth losing other friends for, abandoned me. He has been going through a lot, and I recognize that. I’ve sent him a few messages wishing him well, and I also sent him a message in a panic, mentioning that I needed the reassurance that the reason he wasn’t talking to me wasn’t about me. I realize it was probably unwise and maybe harmful towards him. It was unfair of me to place expectations on him about my own stressors. But he did reply, saying it wasn’t me; he’s going through a lot. I’ve seen him reply to others on social media, but he continues to ignore me. It hurts my feelings. I was abandoned at an early age in life by my mother, and it impacts my ability to handle “ghosting” that people do. I don’t ever expect a reply right away, but I do expect someone to reach out within a few days. It’s been two months. Am I being rude by expecting him to be here for me? I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do.

Ms.Mary Response

Hi Lavender,

I’m sorry your best friend abandoned you. Losing a friendship is always disappointing. Most of us can relate to that. It’s natural to worry that you did something to cause the situation, even though it’s probably not true. 

Looking back at my life, I realize I’ve lost friends every decade. However, it wasn’t about anything I did or said (even though I may have worried about that initially). People meet new people, have new interests, deal with personal challenges, etc. It’s better not to take your best friend’s behavior personally. Believe he’s going through some tough times.

Being abandoned at an early age is traumatic and heartbreaking. With that in mind, it makes sense that you are taking the situation personally. I’m not a professional, but my understanding is that traumatic experiences are ingrained in our memory. Because you were once abandoned, it’s natural for you to fear it happening again. Subconsciously, you’ve come to expect it. Therein lies the problem. 

We usually get what we expect, whether we like it or not. Whatever we inwardly conceive, we outwardly experience (because of our beliefs). You began worrying that you lost your friend, so you sent him messages telling him you needed reassurance (that you were panicking).  

Even though you started the year out hopeful and doing a great job of making new friends, as you lost friends, you were naturally more worried than optimistic. This last friend feels like he’s your lifeline. He’s not. He probably has his own troubles and insecurities.

You aren’t rude by expecting him to be there for you, but it seems he isn’t capable of that right now. Don’t blame yourself. He must have his own issues that have nothing to do with you. Were you more expectant to hear from him, or more worried that you wouldn’t? Your answer is telling. 

I encourage you to start fresh and make new friends as you did at the beginning of last year. You proved you could do it. Expect, believe, and have faith that it will be easier this time and that the friends you make will be more genuine. Look forward with anticipation and enthusiastic attention. Spend time imagining how good you will feel—and that your new friends will suit you better. The experience this time will be much better than the last.

I know it’s a challenge to think differently than the circumstances, but instead of focusing on feeling alone, practice feeling the joy of knowing new and caring friends are coming. Know that you are worthy and that others will enjoy being around you. Visualize the characteristics you want in those friends (reliable, fun, kind, caring, etc.) . Many people get that backward: they say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” My experience is that to see it, you must believe it

My advice may sound like a lot of empty words. However, for better results, you must re-imagine, create a new faith, increase your receptivity, enlarge your mental concept, and maintain a more enthusiastic expectation. You will start a new chain of cause and effect when you do that. 

Just forget the past. Forgive yourself and everyone else for everything that has ever happened. Try to feel that everyone is doing about the best they can. 

Lavender, have faith that good times are ahead. You’ve had to deal with a lot, but you are strong. We all learn as we go, and everyone has setbacks. The key is not to give up. Trust that all will be well. Dream of success, not failure, of happiness, not unhappiness. Our dreams are mental patterns that can lead us to a fuller and richer life, or make our lives a nightmare. It’s up to you. 

I hope my advice is helpful. I’m happy to talk with you further, sweet girl. You deserve a happy and joyous life filled with close and loving friends. 

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of our life. Tiptoe if you must, but take a step.” Naeem Gallaway.

“If you don’t leave your past in the past, it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away.” Author unknown

Best Regards,

Ms.Mary

Article #: 503668
Category: Friendship

I love my friend for standing up for herself… but the bullies are dragging me into it too. How can I get them to stop?

Our elder would never advocate giving up on a friend, but has some tips on staying safe.

Dear EWC

OK so I’ve noticed something. There’s this group of guys at my school. They’re rich, white, popular, and athletic. And I guess they’re not used to getting “no” as an answer. I have this friend who’s not afraid to confront people about things. I really admire this about her. But it’s gotten her into trouble before. She never backs down or knows when to walk away. Most girls just give these boys whatever they want whenever they want because they’re good looking and popular and all that. But my friend doesn’t. If she doesn’t want to do something she won’t do it, and she won’t be afraid to tell you about it. So now all these guys have it out for her. Not to mention all of the rich, white, popular girls. And I’m her friend so of course I get dragged into it. They push her buttons and try to get reactions out of her for some reason. They talk shit about her behind her back. And when she comforts them about it they act like she’s the one who’s obsessed with them and the one not leaving them alone. It makes me really mad how unfair it all is. It seems like it’s me and her against the whole school sometimes. How do I get them to leave her alone?

Good-Listener replies

I’m sorry you and your friend are going through this unpleasantness at your school. Bullying has gone on since the beginning of time, and there is no age limit… I’ve been the object of it at almost 70 years old!

But what to do. First off, you can’t be responsible for what your friend does. She has made her choice to confront… and, as bullies, of course they are blaming her for what they do themselves. However, there’s a difference between not backing down and actively engaging. It’s possible, by trying her best to ignore it, it may lessen up. They want the confrontation — it allows them to feel important and they know it’s getting to her. But, as I said, that’s her choice to do that. And, if she does ignore them and they continue, or it gets violent, she could at least report it. I know it’s not easy… and your friend does sound like a strong young lady. It’s just learning to find a way to co-exist, and trying the less aggressive approach.

Unfortunately, you may be getting targeted by association. I would never, ever tell you to give up the friendship… just to think about how you too want to react. And, if you are getting bullied to the point where school becomes impossible, then it needs to be reported and, perhaps, with a counselor you can find a happy medium. You can’t take responsibility for your friend — I believe in standing up for friends, but not when they are putting you in jeopardy. Perhaps confidentially speaking to a school counselor may help with specifics. They are familiar with the particulars of the student body and may have better suggestions. Hang in there — often bullies get tired of one target and look for another focus for their negative energy. Good luck.

Letter #: 434668
Category: Friendship