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Is My Coworker a Creep

Is My Co-worker a Creep?

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He said he liked my dimples — but it’s clear we’re just friends, right?

Erm… sounds like he might want a bit more than that, says our elder. Trust your instincts, and make it clear you’ll only ever be friends.

Dear EWC

I am in my early 20s. I work at a law firm as a legal assistant. The IT guy (age 40) who updates and maintains our computers emailed me to have lunch with him sometime. I agreed because we get along fairly well. Also, I have almost no friends due to my workload (and lack of free time), so it only seems natural to make friends at work. The firm I work at is fairly small (one lawyer, an accountant and me). I am in a relationship, and so is the IT guy. During our lunch, he told me that he has been with his partner for ten years. This made me instantly more comfortable because if a guy already has a girlfriend, it’s not likely he’ll hit on another girl (namely me). He even suggested that he and his girlfriend could hang out with me sometime. But there are some signs that caused me a tiny bit of concern: (a) he paid for lunch, (b) he opened my door for me, (c) he sent me this text after our lunch: “I loved chatting with you, and your dimples”, and, (d) and he said he would clear his schedule for lunch if I wanted to hang out again. (He mentioned being free next week) I am 99 percent sure that he was just being complimentary and friendly. And he is really easy to talk to. I guess I just want to make sure that my need for friendship isn’t tampering with my perceptions. After all, there comes a point in life where there’s enough maturity for guys and girls to be just friends, right? But I thought I should ask for a second opinion (just in case there is something below the surface). Also, I told my partner about lunch, so there is no secrecy in that regard. Thoughts?

Folk replies

Although nothing your co-worker has done so far rings any alarm bells with me, my sense of the situation is that he is attracted to you (those dimples!) and feeling you out to see if you might possibly be receptive to something more than just a friendship. I think, yes, you and he could be just friends but that you need to make it clear to him from the get-go that this is all you can ever be.
The fact that he paid for your first lunch doesn’t concern me. He was the one the invited you to lunch, after all, so it was not at all inappropriate for him to pick up the check. Just make sure that the next time you and he meet for lunch, you pick up the tab (saying point-blank, “You got it last time.”) You need to make clear to him that you and he are not on a lunch “date” but simply two colleagues having lunch together. I regularly had lunch with a male colleague for years; instead of splitting the check, we just alternated paying it. Maybe this system could work for you and your friend as well.


Opening the door for you was just a courtesy which, in itself, likewise means nothing. Ditto his follow-up text saying he’d enjoyed your lunch and asking to do it again. But the mention of your dimples in the text is a teensy bit troubling — because it ever so slightly crosses the line into complimenting you on a body part. Maybe he just likes dimples (who doesn’t?) but maybe he’s signaling to you that he finds you attractive. Offering to “clear his schedule” is a little bit troubling as well. It goes just a hair too far. It would have been more appropriate for him to say something like, “I hope we can do it again sometime,” or, “Let me know when you’re free for lunch again.”


In short, although you are not interested in this guy romantically, he may be so in you. My sense is that if you gave this guy a sign that you returned his interest, he’d jump on it. This, however, does not necessarily mean that if you shut that door firmly that he wouldn’t be willing to accept being just your friend.


Trust your instincts. You wrote to us because something about this guy’s behavior made you want to double-check your own perceptions. Yes, he has a partner; but having a partner doesn’t always keep people from pursuing other opportunities. Since he’s easy to talk to, you enjoy his company, and you need friends, I suggest that you continue to pursue a friendship with him but to subtly let him know that you and your partner are good and that there is no opportunity for anything other than that. The fact that he finds you attractive need not be a bar to friendship; it is just something that is there that needs to be acknowledged.

Letter #: 435974
Category: Friendship

Abandoned at the ER

Abandoned at the ER

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My neighbor left me alone at the ER – and then she got mad at me! Should I try to save this friendship? 

She’s shown her true colors, says our elder. Time to move on.

 

Dear EWC

Last year, my neighbor called me to ask if I would take her to the ER to follow the ambulance that had taken her husband to the hospital with chest pains. I immediately went to her house and we drove there. I stayed with them until he was admitted and then I took her home around midnight. Several months later, I asked her to take me to the ER because my blood sugar was sky-high and I was frightened. She and her husband took me to the ER, but couldn’t leave fast enough after dropping me off. She said she had dinner in the oven and her husband had an early bedtime because of his work shift. I was so disappointed in her and she only texted me once to see if I had been admitted. I left the hospital in an Uber around midnight. Two days later, she called and hardly asked me how I was doing and what the doctors found out. I told her I felt slighted that she hadn’t stayed with me. She flew into a rage over the phone and told me she would make sure that even her daughter, who was also a friend, would block me from Facebook and would block my phone number and email as she was going to do. 

This was back in November 2019 and she has made it her business to avoid me like the plague. The back of her house faces the back of mine and she even erected a fence so she doesn’t have to see me when I am in my backyard. I had been friends with this woman for almost nine years and she expressed so much hatred for me that I’m still reeling over it. I don’t think I deserved such animosity. I didn’t use any harsh words with her at all and her anger and resentment are over the top, in my opinion. I’ve thought of extending the olive branch, but frankly I’m afraid she’ll lash out at me again and I would be putting myself in the position of having done something wrong to her, which I did not. I thought that as a friend I could express my disappointment to her and she would’ve at least acknowledged that she could’ve allowed her husband to eat his dinner alone just that one night in this emergency. I feel bad about this whole thing, but in another way, I feel she showed her true colors to me. What do you think?

 

Tutu-Debbie

I believe she is showing one of her true colors. Some people in this world are unable to let a grudge go. Resuming the relationship may be all good for a while, but then something like this will happen again. In order to befriend this person, you have to be willing to allow her to snub you as she thinks appropriate – which in my mind is unfair.

She may have felt guilty for the decision she made when she left you at the hospital, and that has caused her to try to justify it. She may, like many women, have been afraid to disappoint her husband by sending him home to dinner alone. Even if he didn’t care, a number of women are afraid to not do what they think their husbands expect

I have seen neighbors like this shun my father-in-law for silly reasons, and then come back around on their own. It is just a certain personality quirk, I think. In order to decide whether to make an effort to renew the relationship, I would consider whether it is more beneficial for me to have a helpful friendly neighbor, or to forget about her and not risk further disputes. Because she has erected the fence, I would day she is pretty determined to continue to shun you. It is a shame she is hurting herself, but you don’t have to be hurt by her any more.

I hope this helps in your decision making. Good luck to you!

Article #: 458611

Category: Friendship

My friend has cancer

My Friend Has Cancer

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How will I cope without her?

It will take some time to adjust, says our elder, but now it’s your turn to be there for your friend.

Dear EWC

I have a friend that called me this morning and said, “I have breast cancer.” It completely shattered my heart but at that time I was only half awake. It hit around 10 when I was fully awake and then I had like three mental breakdowns. What if she doesn’t make it through surgery? What if I lose her? What if the treatment doesn’t work? I can’t lose her — she is my rock; she’s been with me since day one. I go to her for everything. I can’t live without her. Then after the surgery I won’t see her for a few months. Which is gonna kill me because I need to be able to see my best friend and talk to her. I feel like I’m pushing everyone away because I’m just so upset about this. I also feel as this will affect my school work because I can’t do anything without thinking about her and her well being. Then I burst into tears. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help.

Grammy-Annie replies

I am so sorry you are struggling with this. The shock is understandable. It may take you a little while to adjust to the idea. Then you need to be strong for your friend. She has been your rock. She has been there when you needed her. Now it’s your turn to be there for her. It won’t help anyone for you to express your fears to her. I am sure whatever you have to say, she has already thought of. Most of all, don’t let your fear push you away from her.

Try to find out as much about her condition as you can. What kind of breast cancer does she have and what stage is it? Then start researching treatments. It’s 2019. Treatment has come a very long way since the 60s when my grandmother was diagnosed. There are many different kinds of treatments and even the old stand-bys have much less horrific side effects. I don’t know why you won’t see her until after the surgery, but it always helps if you can stay in close touch. Research has shown that every cancer victim who has a “co-patient” does much better. A co-patient is someone who goes to all of the doctor appointments, treatments, tests etc with the patient. Apparently you can’t be this person. But if you can talk to her every time she has treatment or tests, you can help to encourage her. Her mental attitude is all-important at this time. You can help her to fight and remind her of all the reasons there are to live. These things often make a difference in the fight against cancer.

Don’t let your fears run away with you. None of us have any control over these things. The number of our days on this earth is written down somewhere and none of us know what that number is. She could survive cancer and get hit by a bus. She could survive cancer and you could get hit by a bus.

How do you think it would make her feel if she knew that her illness was affecting your schoolwork? You need to show her that because of her friendship, you have become the kind of person who can take care of your own responsibilities and be there for her too. Have you asked yourself how you would want her to react if the situation were reversed? If you were sick and she fell apart, it would make you feel even worse.

With today’s technology and social media, try to come up with a plan that will allow you to talk to her, even face-to-face, as often as possible. She will be OK as long as she knows you will be OK. So come up with a plan to keep in touch with her regularly. Can you be there with her for the surgery? Find out as much as you can about her disease and her options so you can have an intelligent conversation with her if the subject comes up.

Right now your fears are about you. What will I do without her? That is perfectly normal and understandable. But now is the time to toughen up and start thinking about what you can do for her. Nothing you can do, nothing she can do, will change what is in the future. But you can make sure that the here and now is as great as possible, and help her to deal with the future, whatever that is.

I know this is hard. I lost my husband to cancer a few years ago. One of his favorite sayings was, “Ain’t none of us gettin’ out of here alive”. I don’t know how old you are, but I assume that you are young, probably a teenager. If we are lucky, and the Fates are kind, most of us have a lot of years to get used to the idea that everyone we love, those who love us and even we, will die one day. Sometimes, we get hit between the eyes when we lose someone in an untimely manner. When my husband was fighting cancer, we would often say to one another, “We cannot know what lies on the road ahead, but whatever it is, we will handle it”. You need to know that in your heart. Whatever happens, you will handle it, and you will help your friend face whatever lies ahead.
Good luck, dear. Please write again if we can help.

Letter #: 434036
Category: Friendship

Is this the right friendship

Is This Friendship?

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Because if so, it sucks.

Our elder has some advice for a letter writer who’s seeking some new and better friends.

Dear EWC

When I was younger I never had any friends, but occasionally I did get a friend that stuck around for about a few weeks and then found other people to hang out with. I realized that most of those people used me to complain or as informal therapy. Because of this, I spent almost my entire elementary school and middle school years alone. When I reached ninth grade, one of my previous friends that ditched me for others from when I was younger started talking to me and we became friends. She can be nice sometimes, but she picks when she wants to be nice and when to be mean. She tries to tell me what to do, is rude and says the opposite of everything I say sometimes. She complains to me, but doesn’t listen to me when I give advice and ignores me when I speak sometimes. Also, in groups, I’m usually the one that is made fun of. I don’t know much about having friends, since she is my first friend and I have talked to her about it, but she won’t listen. She’s a good person, but she annoys me a lot. Is this normal when having friends?

Lincoln-Parker replies

The description that you give of this so-called friend — “She tries to tell me what to do, is rude and says the opposite of everything I say sometimes. She complains to me, but doesn’t listen” — is not what I would call “normal.” She may be a friend, but I cannot imagine that she is much fun to be around, especially since you say that “she annoys me a lot.” To answer your question—you do need friends, but I think you can do better.

Finding good friends is not easy, especially when you set it as the goal. Instead, the goal should be finding the social things that you like to do and joining up to do them. In the process, you will meet other young people who enjoy the same things, and, frequently, great friendships develop. Concentrate on the things that you think are going to bring you the most enjoyment. It may be sports, the band, debate, math club, or any of a lot of other social activities that high schools have to offer today. Don’t let your shyness stop you; you are joining in because of your interest, not because you are trying to make friends.

By doing this, you will be thrown in with a lot of other kids who enjoy the same thing, and friendships will start to develop. You will automatically be associating with people who have similar interests, and you will all interact in the pursuit of that interest. Some will become friends, and some will just be other people who enjoy that activity. An added advantage is that now you are getting enjoyment out of a group rather than one person. You get to decide how close you want to get to any one person in that group.

I am not suggesting that you discard your current friend; I just think that you are too heavily dependent on one person. As you start to associate with your new-found group, you can decide how much time you want to continue to spend with your current friend. Participating in a group of like-interested people will engage you more in that you are participating in something healthy that you all enjoy doing together. This is often where some of the greatest and long-lasting friendships start, and you get to choose the forum based on an activity that you enjoy.

Give this a try. Don’t approach it as an instantaneous means of replacing a friend. Look at is a way of enjoying yourself more and associating with people who equally enjoy this activity and the people who enjoy doing it. The result will be unselfish friendships

Letter #: 459158
Category: Friendship

My friend fancies you

My Friend Fancies You

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My friend asked me to approach a boy and ask for his Snapchat username, and I said no. Am I a bad friend?

Absolutely not, says our elder. She was only thinking about herself.

Dear EWC

So I have this friend with anxiety. She is getting help from a counselor about it. We are both 14 by the way. We were ice skating with some other people then she saw this boy who she thought was good looking. She wanted me to go ask for his Snapchat username for her and me to give him hers. I said no because I was scared and anxious about it, I said no then she got mad at me. I got yelled at for being selfish and I got called a bad friend. I do things such as our school shows and things like that. She used that and said, “You’re not an anxious person since you do that.” She then proceeded to call me selfish. My main question is. Am I being selfish? After that we went out with some people. She then asked someone else in our friendship group the same thing she asked me to do to the boy at ice skating. This girl said no because the person was with their family and pushing a pushchair. My friend got mad. The boy at ice skating was also with his family. Which leads me on to my next question. Does my friend have a right to be mad? And is it fair for me to argue back with, “You can’t expect us to do something you wouldn’t do yourself?”

M-Sharon replies

You’re not being selfish. She is the one expecting others to do what she doesn’t have the courage to do herself. In the first situation, she could have said hi to him, and ask if he would like to perhaps communicate on Snapchat. I know this takes a lot of guts to do this, but if someone else doesn’t feel comfortable doing it for her, she needs to let it go. She can’t expect friends to act on her behalf every time she sees someone that she’s attracted to.

She hadn’t considered that the situation was not conducive to this. Each time, the boy was with his family.

I think it’s perfectly fine for you to tell her that not only is it not fair to have a friend do something that she won’t do herself, but that she is being the selfish one. She was only thinking of what she wanted.

I hope this helps.

Letter #: 455499
Category: Friendship

Roomate thinks I'm Worthless

Roommate Thinks I’m Useless

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I recently moved in with my best friend and it’s not going well.

It’s time you stood up for yourself, says our elder. Try to agree some ground rules and you can salvage your friendship.

Dear EWC

I have been living in a house with my best friend for a couple of weeks now. The first week went so well and I still love living with her; however, there are a few problems that are really getting to me lately. The first one is responsibilities around the house. I washed the dishes the other day and when she came downstairs she shouted at me because she claimed I didn’t do them right and she had to do them again. I thought no big deal and apologised. but now if I don’t do a job to her standard it feels like she belittles me. She came from a background where she has had to support and live by herself whereas I haven’t — I’ve always lived with my parents. However, I do know how to wash dishes, cook, set a washer away and do things for myself.

An issue I am having also is that she insists on doing everything for me: cleaning up after me, putting my washing in, cooking for me, sorting out my lunches for work. I appreciate it but I’ve tried explaining to her that I moved out of my parents’ house to become more independent and not have everything done for me. She won’t accept this and I keep gently reminding her, but it is as if she thinks I am not capable. I have told her I can look after myself. I am sick of arguing all the time.

Last time she upset me I took myself upstairs and rang my dad as I needed to speak to him anyway. I didn’t tell him what was going on but when I went downstairs she said, “I guess you haven’t grasped the concept of moving out yet — every little argument we have, you go in a strop and either ring your parents or storm off upstairs.” I felt like arguing back but at this point I really couldn’t be bothered to argue with her. I do love living with her but I’m getting sick of it.

Here4U replies

It is often said that one does not really know a person until they live with them. I believe that it is important for people who live together to understand that there is more than one way to do something correctly. It is not a certainty that one person’s way is always the correct way. I believe that roommates need to be open-minded as to how their roommates accomplish tasks as they may learn something.

We all grow up in different families and we usually learn from our family members how to clean, cook, do laundry, etc. As adults we may change or alter how we have learned to do this. Many years ago I learned from a boyfriend’s mother that we were staying with an easier method to washing dishes when there were only a few. This was completely different from how my mom washed dishes, yet to this day when there are only a few dirty dishes I will always wash them the way that this woman showed me.

I believe that I was receptive as I appreciated the way that she approached it. There were only a few cups and plates in the sink as we had just finished having coffee and dessert and I was about to clean them. She asked if it would be alright if she showed me a shortcut in doing the few dishes that were there. I wanted to show her respect, but as it turned out it was a helpful tip that I appreciated learning. I was open to it, as she did not present it in a demeaning way nor did she try to make me feel as if I had been doing it wrong. I believe that your roommate could use help in her delivery.

In my opinion, one does not have to live on their own to know how to take care of their living surroundings. I have to wonder if your roommate is purposely cleaning up after you so that she can do it her way. I feel that this is unfair on her part and she is not doing it out of kindness. I believe that it is her way of saying that she would rather take on all of the responsibilities of the house because she believes that she does it the right way and you do not.

I believe that it is time that you stood up for yourself. Some arguments need to happen so that the ones involved can straighten out the problems that they are having. In my opinion, your roommate is insulting to you and she is overstepping the boundaries of a roommate. In addition to her cleaning up after you, she also believes that she needs to redo every household chore after you have done it. She uses the excuse that you do not know how to do it correctly as you have never lived on your own. However, you do know how, so you really should not allow her to continue to use that excuse.

I also believe that it is not her business what you chose to discuss with your dad. She seems to put a lot of emphasis on having lived on her own and that you did not. She almost glorifies this about herself and uses that you did not to put you down. Everyone has to start somewhere. There was a time that she had never lived on her own. I have to wonder if she had a roommate and if that roommate constantly belittled her for it being her first time on her own. That would explain a lot.

You have said that you two started out as being best friends, however it seems that this living arrangement is on its way to destroying that friendship. Before it is able to do so, I would suggest that you have a long and honest talk with her. Explain to her how her constant critiques of your household chores makes you feel. Explain to her that you are confident in your abilities and you are tired of hearing otherwise from her. It is affecting how you feel about living with her, however before one of you moves out, you would like to work together on trying to improve your roommate relationship.

If she is willing to work on it I would suggest that together you write down what is acceptable to each of you regarding your living arrangement and what is not. As in any living arrangement you both will have to make compromises. Once you both have established what you can and cannot accept I would suggest that you place this agreement some place out in the open where you both will see it and be reminded by it.

I believe that if you both are able to stick to the agreed upon arrangements, you will be able to work on living together and hopefully enjoy doing so. If you both remember that you were best friends before you became roommates I think that will help. In my opinion, trying to avoid an argument is not always helpful or healthy. You do not want to always hold things in as your roommate is not a mind reader and the longer one holds things in, the angrier they usually become.

I wish you a healthy and happy roommate situation.

Letter #: 455536
Category: Friendship

confident-teacher

Where Are My College Friends?

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It’s not like I haven’t tried… Our elder has some advice for a student who’s finding campus life lonely.

Dear EWC

I’m writing today because I feel very lonely. It’s nearing the end of my second semester at college and I still feel like I have no actual friends. At the beginning of the first semester, I was super friendly and enthusiastic with my peers. I met and hung out with so many people and different friend groups (probably around 60+), and yet, for some reason, they never wanted to hang out again after the first or second time. I felt very alone last semester, as these people, when I would reach out to them, would give a false excuse such as studying even though on social media they would post pictures of them partying or going into the city or they would just ignore my message. It was really hurtful and disappointing, especially because I really put myself out there as an introvert. During the first few weeks, I would go into the dining hall and introduce myself to and sit with people I didn’t even know in an attempt to make friends. I was also very confused because the people that I hung out with appear to always really like me; some of them have said things like, “Why is this the first time we’re hanging out with you?!” and described our time spent together as having been “so much fun”.

I don’t think I have been invited by more than three people this whole year, while I myself have extended at least 100 invitations to hang out, watch a movie, get dinner on campus or off, go to a party, etc. throughout this same period. This semester, I decided to tone it down because I thought people may have thought I was too overbearing except that did not really help either because only a few people have invited me to anything. I talk to people in my class daily that I sit nearby and we seem to get along well, yet they do not seem to want to hang outside of class, as they have not asked me to hang out and have turned down the one invitation that I decided to extend. I have also tried to make friends at several clubs, but experienced the same thing. I don’t know what to do. I’m friendly with so many people yet I do not have any friends really. I would say that I’ve had other friends in the past but we drifted apart and the friendships were short-lived.

One friend admitted to me that she ignored me for four weeks straight even though she knew I was feeling very alone because she was mad at me for something she even said I did not do. Another friend recently canceled plans. There are two girls that I would say I’m friends with but they always complain about having so much homework and usually can only hang out with me for two hours a week. For some reason, I have barely any homework in comparison, meaning I have even more free time. I have no problem being alone sometimes, in fact, I enjoy being alone a lot, but I simply cannot deal with being alone nearly all throughout the school week minus class as well as the entire weekend. I have a single dorm as well which does not help.

Also, I do want to be clear that I do not bring up my lack of friends with people and feelings of loneliness; I think I have told three people total. According to my two friends and acquaintances, I come off as the fun, slightly crazy but in a good way girl, which I would agree with. I’m good with anything and hanging with anyone. In the past when people invited themselves to hang out with my friends and me, I have always answered “Of course!”. I feel like I am a good, considerate, and loyal friend, but I can’t seem to find decent friends here at college despite that. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can survive another 3 years like the past one I’ve had, but I have run out of ideas on how to change this situation. What do I do?

Mama-Joan replies

Yours is such an articulate letter. Being an introvert myself I could understand you and your situation very well. If you aren’t satisfied with my thoughts, do write again because another elder may be able to give more insight.
Here are my thoughts:


You are not alone. I believe there are many young people on campus who, like you, are forming friendships that look good in an Instagram photo and Facebook clip, but aren’t true friendships. As an outside observer, it looks like everyone has great friendships, but my guess is that most are temporary and fleeting. The question I have that wasn’t answered in your letter is: What is your major? What are you studying? What are your interests? When I was in college I was interested in theatre (not my major) and I became involved with the theatre groups on campus building sets, working on costumes and acting in plays. I believe you will find friends if you get involved/volunteer with clubs and groups that truly interest you… journalism, art, music, science. Then, when you connect with someone you have something of substance in common. Everyone needs friends… the trick is getting connected.

I encourage you to look for different living arrangements than the common dorm. When my sons went to college there were on-campus apartments where students had their own room, but shared a common living room and kitchenette… for my sons these “apartment” mates became close friends. Also, one of my sons joined a dorm that was for honor students which provided a “built-in” social group of like-minded students. Investigate to see if there are specialized dorms where like-minded students live together.

Like me, my sons were introverts, too. I always told them that they only needed one or two good friends. It occurs to me that you are trying to be friends with too many people and you seem to believe that you need to be popular and have a lot of friends. In the second paragraph of your letter you said you were invited out by three people over the course of the year. That’s significant… What happened to those budding friendships?


Most people have several different kinds of friends. We have friends that we like to play sports with, friends for shopping, coffee friends, etc. Try to accept your friends for who they are and “meet them” where they are. By that I mean, if certain friends can only hang out for a couple hours a week because of their study schedules, then accept that and enjoy your time together. Plan something fun for those two hours. Appreciate the time you have together with each particular friend.

I hope my thoughts are helpful to you. Do consider writing to other elders for additional insight.

Letter #: 439660
Category: Friendship

Myfriends Werent There For Me

My Friends Weren’t There For Me

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I managed to leave my toxic boyfriend but now I feel distant from my friends.

Stop beating up on yourself, says our elder, and find someone you can talk to about your feelings.

Dear EWC

Last August was the start of the worst months of my life. Even before that, I was having personal problems in my first romantic relationship and was emotionally just tired. That semester was the worst semester academically. My boyfriend broke up with me end of August which actually made me feel better for about two weeks at which point he contacted me again. And so began a toxic horrible cycle of breaking up and getting back together that lasted till December. In these three to four months, I lost 10 pounds (going from 110 to 99) and was emotionally destroyed. I left him in December for the good for my own health and sanity. It took a couple of months, but I was slowly getting better.

But this whole time, I was also feeling distant from my old friends. The semester before they had done some things that hurt me. And now whenever there would be some small thing, I would react very strongly. So for a little while I pulled away. I told them about that though and tried to explain that I was trying to recover from the last semester. Still, there were little incidences here and there that made me feel like they were excluding me from the group. I was really close to one of the girls but then she started dating the roommate of one of the guys in the group. So basically the three of them got a lot closer and I felt even more excluded. I tried not to care but it just felt uncomfortable whenever I hung out with them. So unintentionally I hung out with them a little less. And then they started acting weird. But no one ever texted me or talked to me about it.

I stopped texting my friend as much and realized it was always me initiating the text. I stopped initiating and we haven’t talked in months. So I decided there was no point in forcing myself to hang out with them when it made me feel bad about myself and everyone was awkward. And I completely cut myself off from them. Feeling very depressed and friendless now. I have some other friends, but I just don’t feel happy and normal. I’m having a hard time interacting with people in a happy normal way. And I feel like I’ve developed some sort of social anxiety issues. I’m feeling very unmotivated, hopeless, and just overall down about everything in life.

I have a new boyfriend of about three months and he’s great, but I feel like this might start impacting our relations soon too. Already we’ve had one major fight where I ended up saying maybe I’m better off alone which hurt him. That came from a place of self-loathing and everything else and was not aimed at him. I’ve just been feeling like I’m not meant to be around other people. Was I the bad person here? Did I overreact with cutting them all off? Why am I always so sad and negative? Is there something wrong with me?

NanaPopo replies

The first thing to do is stop beating up on yourself. You had a very bad relationship, but you were strong enough to see it was bad and cut it off permanently. That took courage and strength.
You were very depressed because of this and I think it made you very sensitive to how others reacted to you. That may have been what led to you slowly distancing yourself from them. One bad relationship does not mean you should never get close to anyone ever again. Your grades probably suffered because you could not concentrate properly.

Is there someone, personal or professional, you can talk to about your feelings? You want someone who will listen and give you good advice. What is positive in your life? It’s time to say, “That’s in the past. That’s not who I am or ever will be again.” What is good about your new boyfriend? You must have liked something about him to have him become your boyfriend.
Step away from being afraid of being close. Your new boyfriend is not the old one. See him for who he is. Give him a chance and you will be giving yourself a chance also.

You are strong. You are smart (or you wouldn’t be in school) and you know how to make friends. Trust yourself. Bring out the good side of yourself. If you have problems with your boyfriend, take a deep breath and decide to calmly talk about it. “When you do XXX, I feel XXX.” Tell him how you feel, don’t accuse him. Then listen to his side of the story. This is a discussion, not a fight.
Focus on school. That’s what’s going to get you ahead in life. Decide you’re going to make up for that lost semester and do the best you’ve ever done. Then apply yourself and do it.

There is nothing wrong with you except that you are depressed. You can take ownership of that depression by talking to someone about it, then laying out a plan to get back to the happy person you once were.

Letter #: 428330
Category: Friendship

Turned Into A Stranger

I’ve Turned Into a Stranger

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After an exchange year abroad, I don’t feel like the same person anymore. Should I tell my friends?

Congratulations on embracing the experience so fully, says our elder. Don’t worry; it will all work out.

Dear EWC

Hi, you should know that I’m a 15-year-old girl. I’m currently studying in the US since I’m doing my exchange year here. I’m from Germany and I’ve been living with a host family for eight months. I’ll go back to Germany in about three months. I’ve really enjoyed my experience so far but there is something that won’t get out of my mind. I’ve been keeping in touch with my friends from Germany and my best friend even visited me during Christmas break. I’ve been growing a lot since I came to the US and I have a different perspective on a lot of things. I’m way more open-minded and I got used to get stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m a person who thinks a lot about stuff and I feel things very deeply. I became much more mature in some ways and I’m still growing every day.

Sometimes when I talk to my German friends, I realize that something has changed. I still love all of them but I’m not the person I was before. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m talking to someone who doesn’t know me anymore. I mean I’m not even sure if I know myself. They also grew and changed but I feel like they are way less open-minded than me. Not all of them are like that but some. I’m looking forward to coming back to Germany but I’m also a little scared to meet strangers. Actually I’m scared they will meet a stranger-me. I know a lot of other exchange students and I know for sure that some of them feel the same. I hope you understand what my situation is like. I’ve already experienced letting friends go but that was usually because the other person moved to another town or transferred to another school. This time, it’s me who changed. So my question is basically: What should I do? Should I tell them how I feel or should I wait until I’ve come back to Germany? Or should I just ignore it and pretend like everything is normal? I really don’t know… Thanks for taking the time to read this and to answer.

JensPen replies

I was so interested to read your letter. You and I have had some very similar experiences.
When I was in high school, I too was an exchange student. I lived with a family in Brazil for a year. All of the emotions you are feeling I experienced as well. Immersing oneself in another culture is so mind-expanding. Your perspective on life changes and you mature a great deal. Yes, at first you are totally out of your comfort zone and then you become more at ease and are able to see life and people from two cultural points of view.

Congratulations to you for embracing this opportunity so fully. It says quite a lot about the type of young woman you are.
Regarding your ‘re-entry’ let me say this. You are 100 percent correct that you will not be returning as the same person you were and yes, you will still be discovering exactly who you have become. That is all as it should be. We are all the product of our environments and our experiences. It is possible that you will find that you have ‘outgrown’ some of your friends and perhaps kids you weren’t friendly with in the past will now become new friends. It is your choice as to whether or not you want to mention how you feel before you return or just let nature take her course. When you return home to give yourself some time to readjust and see how it goes. I know this is all weighing on your mind but trust me it will all shake out easier than you think.

You have been lucky enough to have a life-changing opportunity this year. I hope you will take all you have learned and put it to good use. Wherever you go in life this extraordinary experience will be part of you.
I wish you the best of luck.

Letter #: 438334
Category: Friendship

My New Friend Did Blackface

My New Friend Did Blackface

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I thought he was kidding, but he wasn’t. Should I say something?

It’s definitely time for a conversation, says our elder. This is a real teachable moment.

Dear EWC

I am a junior in college and only now am I making friends. There is a guy in my major that I get along with really well. We have similar humor and approach to concepts and appreciation for absurdity. We’re slowing hanging out more outside of class and through him I am making another friend. I know my description of this probably sounds silly but friends are very hard for me to make and keep. Anyway, last week I discovered he did blackface a few years ago. He was going through pictures and said to me and someone else, “Oh, this is me in blackface. I won’t show you this.” I honestly thought he was doing a bit. I mean this is the same guy that I have felt comfortable joking about race with. The same one who asked me if it was a cultural appropriation for him to get a Black Lives Matter tattoo (he’s white; I am black).

Obviously, since I am writing you, it wasn’t a bit. He showed us a picture of his face covered in brown eye shadow. I immediately laughed for two reasons. 1) Nervous laughter is a very unfortunate natural reflex of mine when I don’t know how to react and 2) I honestly couldn’t believe that he was being serious. His reaction was to say he was glad I could laugh at it. I was trying not to let it bother me, but I can’t stop thinking about it. He didn’t really seem ashamed or apologetic but is that too much to ask from such a short interaction that was over as suddenly as it started, and we were on to a different topic? Is blackface really this normal? We act like its not. But maybe to some white people it is. I don’t know. Should I try to move past it and be friends or should I just drop him? He did say he’s different now, so maybe that was his way of showing remorse. What do you think?

Aondreaa replies

Your letter gave me pause to think, and I decided (as an old white lady) to call one of my friends (an old black lady) to discuss your situation. We both agree that you should not give up on your friendship because of this unfortunate revelation. At the same time, we think you should have a conversation with your friend (one on one) to let him know that, despite your offhand reaction in the moment, you are really distressed about the incident and would like to explain to him how demeaning it is to a person of color for a white person to dress in blackface.

My friend and I agree that this is a “teachable moment”, and hope your conversation with your friend will lead to increased sensitivity on his part and increased the ability to deal with troubling situations on your part. How the two of you handle this will probably determine where your friendship goes from this point forward. Hopefully, he will acknowledge how hurtful his dressing up was to you and will not do so in the future. Who knows, perhaps he will go back to the photo and delete it, perhaps not. His reaction to your friendly concern will go a long way toward repairing the damage and will be a lesson learned for both of you.
My friend and I agree that we ourselves have laughed or failed to respond honestly to potentially embarrassing situations that occur in a group setting. Be sure that your next conversation with your friend is not confrontational or accusatory. You want to improve and cultivate the friendship, not terminate it.

Good luck! We hope that our advice bears fruit!

Letter #: 451641
Category: Friendship