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“But I really want to audition. I want to make a debut and make music that reaches people’s souls and give performances that makes them forget about reality for a little while.”

Our Elder says: “You have many dreams of the type of life that you want.  That is how it should be at your age.”

Dear EWC,

For almost two years now, I’ve had the seed in my mind of wanting to audition for a company far away and train to become a singer. It plagues my mind and doesn’t leave me alone. I think about it every single day and I want to audition in February. I heard that if a dream keeps coming back to haunt you, then it’s what you’re supposed to do. But I don’t really know what I want. The thought of living a regular life frankly scares the crap out of me — working a 9-5, raising a family, just going through life quietly, just… nothing noteworthy or special about it. Honestly, with respect to people who live like that, it sounds like a nightmare to me. But at the same time, there are things in that quiet life that I don’t want to have to give up. Being a fangirl, going to all of my favorite bands’ concerts, having a cute room, casually walking over to Dunkin and getting a coffee, planning hangouts and walking around the city with my friends. It’s all very mundane but those are the experiences I don’t want to give up.

But I really want to audition. I want to make a debut and make music that reaches people’s souls and give performances that makes them forget about reality for a little while. I don’t know if I’m ready, but I’m turning 17 next year so I’m running out of time. There are things I think about doing when I’m an adult — getting an apartment, adopting my own cat, having a girlfriend and potentially getting married to her. But I can’t do those things if I’m in the spotlight. I can do some of the little things I mentioned earlier, but… I just don’t know.

I knew it would have sacrifices from the start. I hear about the sacrifices that people who made it big have made all the time. And I am ready to give up a lot of things. But would it be worth it? What all the suffering and intense exertion from training all day, every day just burns me out? I know I have passion, and I want this so bad. I just don’t know if I could survive that industry. What if my group made it big and the fans didn’t like me?

Sometimes when I think about it too hard I just get so scared. But maybe it would be worth the risk. I think about being received negatively a lot but what if I end up becoming an artist who makes songs that saves people’s lives? Songs where girls who feel lonely can find solace?

I want to do what my favorite band did for me, for someone else. I don’t know if I’m worthy of it but I really want to try. I think I would regret it forever if I didn’t pursue this. But I’m just so terrified and confused. I don’t want to give up everything, but that’s what this job would entail. The company will say I’m past the audition age if I wait until I’m older. I’m 16 now, it’s my last chance. I’ve been thinking about this since I was 14.

Anyway, thank you for reading all this. I hope you have a nice day, and thank you in advance for the advice. <3

Mimi23 Response:

Thank you for coming to Wisdom Circle for some advice Ven. Please know that we are very concerned about your issues and want to provide some useful guidance.

When you describe being scared of having a “normal” life I can remember feeling the same way.  You want to have adventures and a different sort of life than the one you see all around you.  That is all a part of being young.  You have many dreams of the type of life that you want.  That is how it should be at your age.

I do applaud your honesty and passion about beginning a singing career.  I am sure that you know the music business and entertainment in general are both challenging and highly competitive.  Even if you have plenty of talent, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to excel in the entertainment world.  You could be lucky and get a big break.  You might have to wait tables for many years, as you audition and try to perfect your craft.  There will probably be many disappointments along the way.  There will be bright spots too.  But nobody knows how it will all play out for you.  That is just how things are.

I believe that when you have a big dream, it is best to start with some small steps.  I don’t know what kind of vocal training (if any) you have had.  Maybe you want to look into that.  How much singing experience have you had?  This is something that someone giving you an audition would need to know.  Have you ever been part of a chorus or other singing group?  Is it possible to get some basic training now?

My advice to you Ven, is to start finding out what you need to do to start on the path and then do it.  You have been thinking about this for three years, so it is time to take some action.  Find the people (teachers, parents, other family members etc) that can help you get started.  Take some small steps towards your goal and see how you do.  But take those first steps now.

The reality is that most of us have to work for a living Ven.  We all want to have jobs that are interesting and fulfilling and sometimes exciting.  Most of us only get that once in awhile.  But your life is what you make it.   And as the years go by, your ideas about the type of life that you want will continue to change.

I have every confidence that you will explore and grow and find the life work that suits you best.

Mimi23

“I was really worried that she thought I was dumb. I was also worried that she didn’t view me like everyone else.”

Our Elder says: “An opinion from an unqualified, random, person should be given as much credence  as an explanation of quantum mechanics from the burger flipper at your favorite hamburger joint.”

Dear EWC,

There is something that I feel like I need advice on.

A few years ago, I discovered that I may have Asperger’s syndrome. A few years later, a woman told me that having Asperger syndrome might prevent me from finding gainful employment. When she said that, I felt like I was dumb, stupid, an idiot. You name it. Every word that had to do with putting down someone’s intelligence, I felt it. My feelings were really hurt by what she said. I also felt like I wasn’t worth anything and that i was a loser. I was really worried that she thought I was dumb. I was also worried that she didn’t view me like everyone else. From that moment forward, every time she and I spoke, I felt self conscious around her. Even though it was a few years ago, I still struggle with what she said, I have a hard time blocking it out.

When I go downtown or other places, I see people who are drunk, homeless, panhandlers, use drugs and passed out. I once saw a man downtown and his shoes were so damaged, his toes were showing. When I see things like that, what the woman said pops up and I immediately turn away from it. I don’t want to end up like that. I want to do what I can to make my life mean something. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not a dumb person. I’m really not. That is something that I can’t stress enough. I wanted to speak with the woman about what she said and how it made me feel but I didn’t. I kept it to myself. I regret not talking to her about it because if I did, I don’t think I would be thinking about it as much as I do. Maybe I wouldn’t be thinking about it at all. Since 2019, I’ve been working at Walmart. I started out as a cart pusher and eventually become a stocking associate.

I also worked as a dietary aide in a hospital after volunteering there for some time. I’m also enrolled in a community college studying computers. I’m also in the process of trying to get my own one bedroom apartment. Even though I’m trying to get my life to where I want it to be, I still have a hard time blocking out what she said. What should i do to block this out and move forward?

Wisdom Keeper Ketchman Response:

Thank you,  Shane, for reaching out to us.  I’m one of the Elders here at the Elder Wisdom Circle.  I’ll try to help.

First I want to assure you that a medical or psychological “diagnosis” from a totally unqualified individual is meaningless.  A more meaningful opinion would be one that comes from a medical professional with extensive psychological training and experience and, even then, after extensive interviews and testing.  An opinion from an unqualified, random, person should be given as much credence  as an explanation of quantum mechanics from the burger flipper at your favorite hamburger joint.  For whatever it’s worth, it’s of interest to note that “Asperger’s” is no longer considered to be a legitimate medical diagnosis.  What was once called “Asperger’s Syndrome” would now be a point somewhere on a rather long line of the autism spectrum.

I’ve no professional psychological qualifications whatsoever; however, based upon my own experiences it seems that being somewhere on that line – which I hasten to add  you have not received a true diagnosis of – is not, necessarily a disadvantage.  It can actually be an advantage based upon the unique ways of observing the world possessed by many “on the spectrum”. Albert Einstein, Elon Musk, Darryl Hannah, are just a few of the many geniuses of science, industry, letters, and the arts who were built that way.  Here’s a site that goes into some detail on that: https://behavioral-innovations.com/blog/20-famous-people-with-autism-spectrum-disorder-asd/#:~:text=She%20(%20Daryl%20Hannah%20)%20received%20an,Daryl%20Hannah%20)%20career%20as%20an%20actress.

So, Shane, what I’m trying to say is I want you to understand that a casual diagnosis by an unqualified individual is meaningless and, even if there might be a smidgen of truth; that could  be to your advantage.  In any case, go on with your life, as you’ve been doing, take whatever advanced training that catches your interest, and I suspect you’ll discover your fears were pure imagination.  In the words of one of our great presidents, “…the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself…”.

We’re honored that you’ve come to us for help on such an important matter.  I hope you’ll use us again, anytime we might be of assistance on whatever issues might come up.  Thank you for giving me a chance to help.  I hope I was able to.

Best Regards,

Elder Ketchman

“I make new friends, but they all drift away and I feel lonely. What should I do?” 

Our Elder says: “People have their own troubles and can’t always be there even if they want to. But we usually get what we expect; have faith that good times are ahead.”

Dear EWC,

I made my New Year’s resolution to make new friends. It started off beautifully; I made a few friends and that turned into making friends with mutual friends. Wonderful. 

As the year went on, I slowly began losing friends when my other friends decided some of our mutuals were harmful. And then everything went to hell. I survived the year with one friend by my side. Long story short, my one last friend, who I decided was worth losing other friends for, abandoned me. He has been going through a lot, and I recognize that. I’ve sent him a few messages wishing him well, and I also sent him a message in a panic, mentioning that I needed the reassurance that the reason he wasn’t talking to me wasn’t about me. I realize it was probably unwise and maybe harmful towards him. It was unfair of me to place expectations on him about my own stressors. But he did reply, saying it wasn’t me; he’s going through a lot. I’ve seen him reply to others on social media, but he continues to ignore me. It hurts my feelings. I was abandoned at an early age in life by my mother, and it impacts my ability to handle “ghosting” that people do. I don’t ever expect a reply right away, but I do expect someone to reach out within a few days. It’s been two months. Am I being rude by expecting him to be here for me? I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do.

Ms.Mary Response

Hi Lavender,

I’m sorry your best friend abandoned you. Losing a friendship is always disappointing. Most of us can relate to that. It’s natural to worry that you did something to cause the situation, even though it’s probably not true. 

Looking back at my life, I realize I’ve lost friends every decade. However, it wasn’t about anything I did or said (even though I may have worried about that initially). People meet new people, have new interests, deal with personal challenges, etc. It’s better not to take your best friend’s behavior personally. Believe he’s going through some tough times.

Being abandoned at an early age is traumatic and heartbreaking. With that in mind, it makes sense that you are taking the situation personally. I’m not a professional, but my understanding is that traumatic experiences are ingrained in our memory. Because you were once abandoned, it’s natural for you to fear it happening again. Subconsciously, you’ve come to expect it. Therein lies the problem. 

We usually get what we expect, whether we like it or not. Whatever we inwardly conceive, we outwardly experience (because of our beliefs). You began worrying that you lost your friend, so you sent him messages telling him you needed reassurance (that you were panicking).  

Even though you started the year out hopeful and doing a great job of making new friends, as you lost friends, you were naturally more worried than optimistic. This last friend feels like he’s your lifeline. He’s not. He probably has his own troubles and insecurities.

You aren’t rude by expecting him to be there for you, but it seems he isn’t capable of that right now. Don’t blame yourself. He must have his own issues that have nothing to do with you. Were you more expectant to hear from him, or more worried that you wouldn’t? Your answer is telling. 

I encourage you to start fresh and make new friends as you did at the beginning of last year. You proved you could do it. Expect, believe, and have faith that it will be easier this time and that the friends you make will be more genuine. Look forward with anticipation and enthusiastic attention. Spend time imagining how good you will feel—and that your new friends will suit you better. The experience this time will be much better than the last.

I know it’s a challenge to think differently than the circumstances, but instead of focusing on feeling alone, practice feeling the joy of knowing new and caring friends are coming. Know that you are worthy and that others will enjoy being around you. Visualize the characteristics you want in those friends (reliable, fun, kind, caring, etc.) . Many people get that backward: they say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” My experience is that to see it, you must believe it

My advice may sound like a lot of empty words. However, for better results, you must re-imagine, create a new faith, increase your receptivity, enlarge your mental concept, and maintain a more enthusiastic expectation. You will start a new chain of cause and effect when you do that. 

Just forget the past. Forgive yourself and everyone else for everything that has ever happened. Try to feel that everyone is doing about the best they can. 

Lavender, have faith that good times are ahead. You’ve had to deal with a lot, but you are strong. We all learn as we go, and everyone has setbacks. The key is not to give up. Trust that all will be well. Dream of success, not failure, of happiness, not unhappiness. Our dreams are mental patterns that can lead us to a fuller and richer life, or make our lives a nightmare. It’s up to you. 

I hope my advice is helpful. I’m happy to talk with you further, sweet girl. You deserve a happy and joyous life filled with close and loving friends. 

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of our life. Tiptoe if you must, but take a step.” Naeem Gallaway.

“If you don’t leave your past in the past, it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away.” Author unknown

Best Regards,

Ms.Mary

Article #: 503668
Category: Friendship

I love my friend for standing up for herself… but the bullies are dragging me into it too. How can I get them to stop?

Our elder would never advocate giving up on a friend, but has some tips on staying safe.

Dear EWC

OK so I’ve noticed something. There’s this group of guys at my school. They’re rich, white, popular, and athletic. And I guess they’re not used to getting “no” as an answer. I have this friend who’s not afraid to confront people about things. I really admire this about her. But it’s gotten her into trouble before. She never backs down or knows when to walk away. Most girls just give these boys whatever they want whenever they want because they’re good looking and popular and all that. But my friend doesn’t. If she doesn’t want to do something she won’t do it, and she won’t be afraid to tell you about it. So now all these guys have it out for her. Not to mention all of the rich, white, popular girls. And I’m her friend so of course I get dragged into it. They push her buttons and try to get reactions out of her for some reason. They talk shit about her behind her back. And when she comforts them about it they act like she’s the one who’s obsessed with them and the one not leaving them alone. It makes me really mad how unfair it all is. It seems like it’s me and her against the whole school sometimes. How do I get them to leave her alone?

Good-Listener replies

I’m sorry you and your friend are going through this unpleasantness at your school. Bullying has gone on since the beginning of time, and there is no age limit… I’ve been the object of it at almost 70 years old!

But what to do. First off, you can’t be responsible for what your friend does. She has made her choice to confront… and, as bullies, of course they are blaming her for what they do themselves. However, there’s a difference between not backing down and actively engaging. It’s possible, by trying her best to ignore it, it may lessen up. They want the confrontation — it allows them to feel important and they know it’s getting to her. But, as I said, that’s her choice to do that. And, if she does ignore them and they continue, or it gets violent, she could at least report it. I know it’s not easy… and your friend does sound like a strong young lady. It’s just learning to find a way to co-exist, and trying the less aggressive approach.

Unfortunately, you may be getting targeted by association. I would never, ever tell you to give up the friendship… just to think about how you too want to react. And, if you are getting bullied to the point where school becomes impossible, then it needs to be reported and, perhaps, with a counselor you can find a happy medium. You can’t take responsibility for your friend — I believe in standing up for friends, but not when they are putting you in jeopardy. Perhaps confidentially speaking to a school counselor may help with specifics. They are familiar with the particulars of the student body and may have better suggestions. Hang in there — often bullies get tired of one target and look for another focus for their negative energy. Good luck.

Letter #: 434668
Category: Friendship

How will I cope without her?

It will take some time to adjust, says our elder, but now it’s your turn to be there for your friend.

Dear EWC

I have a friend that called me this morning and said, “I have breast cancer.” It completely shattered my heart but at that time I was only half awake. It hit around 10 when I was fully awake and then I had like three mental breakdowns. What if she doesn’t make it through surgery? What if I lose her? What if the treatment doesn’t work? I can’t lose her — she is my rock; she’s been with me since day one. I go to her for everything. I can’t live without her. Then after the surgery I won’t see her for a few months. Which is gonna kill me because I need to be able to see my best friend and talk to her. I feel like I’m pushing everyone away because I’m just so upset about this. I also feel as this will affect my school work because I can’t do anything without thinking about her and her well being. Then I burst into tears. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help.

Grammy-Annie replies

I am so sorry you are struggling with this. The shock is understandable. It may take you a little while to adjust to the idea. Then you need to be strong for your friend. She has been your rock. She has been there when you needed her. Now it’s your turn to be there for her. It won’t help anyone for you to express your fears to her. I am sure whatever you have to say, she has already thought of. Most of all, don’t let your fear push you away from her.

Try to find out as much about her condition as you can. What kind of breast cancer does she have and what stage is it? Then start researching treatments. It’s 2019. Treatment has come a very long way since the 60s when my grandmother was diagnosed. There are many different kinds of treatments and even the old stand-bys have much less horrific side effects. I don’t know why you won’t see her until after the surgery, but it always helps if you can stay in close touch. Research has shown that every cancer victim who has a “co-patient” does much better. A co-patient is someone who goes to all of the doctor appointments, treatments, tests etc with the patient. Apparently you can’t be this person. But if you can talk to her every time she has treatment or tests, you can help to encourage her. Her mental attitude is all-important at this time. You can help her to fight and remind her of all the reasons there are to live. These things often make a difference in the fight against cancer.

Don’t let your fears run away with you. None of us have any control over these things. The number of our days on this earth is written down somewhere and none of us know what that number is. She could survive cancer and get hit by a bus. She could survive cancer and you could get hit by a bus.

How do you think it would make her feel if she knew that her illness was affecting your schoolwork? You need to show her that because of her friendship, you have become the kind of person who can take care of your own responsibilities and be there for her too. Have you asked yourself how you would want her to react if the situation were reversed? If you were sick and she fell apart, it would make you feel even worse.

With today’s technology and social media, try to come up with a plan that will allow you to talk to her, even face-to-face, as often as possible. She will be OK as long as she knows you will be OK. So come up with a plan to keep in touch with her regularly. Can you be there with her for the surgery? Find out as much as you can about her disease and her options so you can have an intelligent conversation with her if the subject comes up.

Right now your fears are about you. What will I do without her? That is perfectly normal and understandable. But now is the time to toughen up and start thinking about what you can do for her. Nothing you can do, nothing she can do, will change what is in the future. But you can make sure that the here and now is as great as possible, and help her to deal with the future, whatever that is.

I know this is hard. I lost my husband to cancer a few years ago. One of his favorite sayings was, “Ain’t none of us gettin’ out of here alive”. I don’t know how old you are, but I assume that you are young, probably a teenager. If we are lucky, and the Fates are kind, most of us have a lot of years to get used to the idea that everyone we love, those who love us and even we, will die one day. Sometimes, we get hit between the eyes when we lose someone in an untimely manner. When my husband was fighting cancer, we would often say to one another, “We cannot know what lies on the road ahead, but whatever it is, we will handle it”. You need to know that in your heart. Whatever happens, you will handle it, and you will help your friend face whatever lies ahead.
Good luck, dear. Please write again if we can help.

Letter #: 434036
Category: Friendship

I recently moved in with my best friend and it’s not going well.

It’s time you stood up for yourself, says our elder. Try to agree some ground rules and you can salvage your friendship.

Dear EWC

I have been living in a house with my best friend for a couple of weeks now. The first week went so well and I still love living with her; however, there are a few problems that are really getting to me lately. The first one is responsibilities around the house. I washed the dishes the other day and when she came downstairs she shouted at me because she claimed I didn’t do them right and she had to do them again. I thought no big deal and apologised. but now if I don’t do a job to her standard it feels like she belittles me. She came from a background where she has had to support and live by herself whereas I haven’t — I’ve always lived with my parents. However, I do know how to wash dishes, cook, set a washer away and do things for myself.

An issue I am having also is that she insists on doing everything for me: cleaning up after me, putting my washing in, cooking for me, sorting out my lunches for work. I appreciate it but I’ve tried explaining to her that I moved out of my parents’ house to become more independent and not have everything done for me. She won’t accept this and I keep gently reminding her, but it is as if she thinks I am not capable. I have told her I can look after myself. I am sick of arguing all the time.

Last time she upset me I took myself upstairs and rang my dad as I needed to speak to him anyway. I didn’t tell him what was going on but when I went downstairs she said, “I guess you haven’t grasped the concept of moving out yet — every little argument we have, you go in a strop and either ring your parents or storm off upstairs.” I felt like arguing back but at this point I really couldn’t be bothered to argue with her. I do love living with her but I’m getting sick of it.

Here4U replies

It is often said that one does not really know a person until they live with them. I believe that it is important for people who live together to understand that there is more than one way to do something correctly. It is not a certainty that one person’s way is always the correct way. I believe that roommates need to be open-minded as to how their roommates accomplish tasks as they may learn something.

We all grow up in different families and we usually learn from our family members how to clean, cook, do laundry, etc. As adults we may change or alter how we have learned to do this. Many years ago I learned from a boyfriend’s mother that we were staying with an easier method to washing dishes when there were only a few. This was completely different from how my mom washed dishes, yet to this day when there are only a few dirty dishes I will always wash them the way that this woman showed me.

I believe that I was receptive as I appreciated the way that she approached it. There were only a few cups and plates in the sink as we had just finished having coffee and dessert and I was about to clean them. She asked if it would be alright if she showed me a shortcut in doing the few dishes that were there. I wanted to show her respect, but as it turned out it was a helpful tip that I appreciated learning. I was open to it, as she did not present it in a demeaning way nor did she try to make me feel as if I had been doing it wrong. I believe that your roommate could use help in her delivery.

In my opinion, one does not have to live on their own to know how to take care of their living surroundings. I have to wonder if your roommate is purposely cleaning up after you so that she can do it her way. I feel that this is unfair on her part and she is not doing it out of kindness. I believe that it is her way of saying that she would rather take on all of the responsibilities of the house because she believes that she does it the right way and you do not.

I believe that it is time that you stood up for yourself. Some arguments need to happen so that the ones involved can straighten out the problems that they are having. In my opinion, your roommate is insulting to you and she is overstepping the boundaries of a roommate. In addition to her cleaning up after you, she also believes that she needs to redo every household chore after you have done it. She uses the excuse that you do not know how to do it correctly as you have never lived on your own. However, you do know how, so you really should not allow her to continue to use that excuse.

I also believe that it is not her business what you chose to discuss with your dad. She seems to put a lot of emphasis on having lived on her own and that you did not. She almost glorifies this about herself and uses that you did not to put you down. Everyone has to start somewhere. There was a time that she had never lived on her own. I have to wonder if she had a roommate and if that roommate constantly belittled her for it being her first time on her own. That would explain a lot.

You have said that you two started out as being best friends, however it seems that this living arrangement is on its way to destroying that friendship. Before it is able to do so, I would suggest that you have a long and honest talk with her. Explain to her how her constant critiques of your household chores makes you feel. Explain to her that you are confident in your abilities and you are tired of hearing otherwise from her. It is affecting how you feel about living with her, however before one of you moves out, you would like to work together on trying to improve your roommate relationship.

If she is willing to work on it I would suggest that together you write down what is acceptable to each of you regarding your living arrangement and what is not. As in any living arrangement you both will have to make compromises. Once you both have established what you can and cannot accept I would suggest that you place this agreement some place out in the open where you both will see it and be reminded by it.

I believe that if you both are able to stick to the agreed upon arrangements, you will be able to work on living together and hopefully enjoy doing so. If you both remember that you were best friends before you became roommates I think that will help. In my opinion, trying to avoid an argument is not always helpful or healthy. You do not want to always hold things in as your roommate is not a mind reader and the longer one holds things in, the angrier they usually become.

I wish you a healthy and happy roommate situation.

Letter #: 455536
Category: Friendship

I managed to leave my toxic boyfriend but now I feel distant from my friends.

Stop beating up on yourself, says our elder, and find someone you can talk to about your feelings.

Dear EWC

Last August was the start of the worst months of my life. Even before that, I was having personal problems in my first romantic relationship and was emotionally just tired. That semester was the worst semester academically. My boyfriend broke up with me end of August which actually made me feel better for about two weeks at which point he contacted me again. And so began a toxic horrible cycle of breaking up and getting back together that lasted till December. In these three to four months, I lost 10 pounds (going from 110 to 99) and was emotionally destroyed. I left him in December for the good for my own health and sanity. It took a couple of months, but I was slowly getting better.

But this whole time, I was also feeling distant from my old friends. The semester before they had done some things that hurt me. And now whenever there would be some small thing, I would react very strongly. So for a little while I pulled away. I told them about that though and tried to explain that I was trying to recover from the last semester. Still, there were little incidences here and there that made me feel like they were excluding me from the group. I was really close to one of the girls but then she started dating the roommate of one of the guys in the group. So basically the three of them got a lot closer and I felt even more excluded. I tried not to care but it just felt uncomfortable whenever I hung out with them. So unintentionally I hung out with them a little less. And then they started acting weird. But no one ever texted me or talked to me about it.

I stopped texting my friend as much and realized it was always me initiating the text. I stopped initiating and we haven’t talked in months. So I decided there was no point in forcing myself to hang out with them when it made me feel bad about myself and everyone was awkward. And I completely cut myself off from them. Feeling very depressed and friendless now. I have some other friends, but I just don’t feel happy and normal. I’m having a hard time interacting with people in a happy normal way. And I feel like I’ve developed some sort of social anxiety issues. I’m feeling very unmotivated, hopeless, and just overall down about everything in life.

I have a new boyfriend of about three months and he’s great, but I feel like this might start impacting our relations soon too. Already we’ve had one major fight where I ended up saying maybe I’m better off alone which hurt him. That came from a place of self-loathing and everything else and was not aimed at him. I’ve just been feeling like I’m not meant to be around other people. Was I the bad person here? Did I overreact with cutting them all off? Why am I always so sad and negative? Is there something wrong with me?

NanaPopo replies

The first thing to do is stop beating up on yourself. You had a very bad relationship, but you were strong enough to see it was bad and cut it off permanently. That took courage and strength.
You were very depressed because of this and I think it made you very sensitive to how others reacted to you. That may have been what led to you slowly distancing yourself from them. One bad relationship does not mean you should never get close to anyone ever again. Your grades probably suffered because you could not concentrate properly.

Is there someone, personal or professional, you can talk to about your feelings? You want someone who will listen and give you good advice. What is positive in your life? It’s time to say, “That’s in the past. That’s not who I am or ever will be again.” What is good about your new boyfriend? You must have liked something about him to have him become your boyfriend.
Step away from being afraid of being close. Your new boyfriend is not the old one. See him for who he is. Give him a chance and you will be giving yourself a chance also.

You are strong. You are smart (or you wouldn’t be in school) and you know how to make friends. Trust yourself. Bring out the good side of yourself. If you have problems with your boyfriend, take a deep breath and decide to calmly talk about it. “When you do XXX, I feel XXX.” Tell him how you feel, don’t accuse him. Then listen to his side of the story. This is a discussion, not a fight.
Focus on school. That’s what’s going to get you ahead in life. Decide you’re going to make up for that lost semester and do the best you’ve ever done. Then apply yourself and do it.

There is nothing wrong with you except that you are depressed. You can take ownership of that depression by talking to someone about it, then laying out a plan to get back to the happy person you once were.

Letter #: 428330
Category: Friendship