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Dating as a Queer Woman

Dating as a Queer Woman

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“This past year I spent a lot of time trying to better understand what I was seeking and the type of partner I was looking for as well as the type of partner I wanted to be.”

Our Elder says: “To rebuild trust in yourself, look at what did go right. You communicated clearly, respected boundaries, and stayed authentic. Those are the traits of someone ready for a healthy partnership.”

Dear EWC,

Hi, first I want to thank you for taking time to read and respond to my message!

To start things off, I am a 27 year old gay woman. I’ve had a few short term relationships, but not anything longer than a year. This past year I spent a lot of time trying to better understand what I was seeking and the type of partner I was looking for as well as the type of partner I wanted to be. It was hard work and continues to be hard work! I feel like I am constantly working on bettering myself to be a good partner, friend, daughter and sister, and I fully believe that we are all works in progress and continuously growing and changing- which I think is a beautiful thing! With that said, I’ve gone on a lot of dates and have talked to a lot of people.

Most of the experiences were good. My biggest thing is that if a connection doesn’t pan out, I want to be respectful of my time and theirs and that includes letting someone know if I don’t feel a connection to give them some of closure. I’m pretty sensitive so I appreciate when someone does this for me too. It just feels like a natural thing to do. I recently matched with this woman on a dating site who seemed to check all the boxes. She’s beautiful, smart, witty, and incredibly kind and caring.

We hit it off and before I knew it we were talking everyday, sending voice memos, good mornings/good nights. We had a date scheduled for last Friday which she had to cancel due to a family emergency. We rescheduled to this Thursday, but I was coming down with a bad cold and I asked to reschedule because I wasn’t feeling well enough for a date. She was more than kind about it, asking if I wanted her to send me medicine or goodies. In every way possible she showed kindness and care. Then on Friday she had her brother’s engagement party and I knew she’d be wrapped up in it. I wished her a good night and let her know I was excited to hear about it.

Saturday came and went without hearing from her so I sent a short message asking how her day went. It’s now 6pm on Sunday and I have yet to hear from her. Despite only talking for a few short weeks, it feels very much out of character – she seems like the type of person who would be upfront if she had decided to move forward with a different connection or wasn’t interested in continuing. I’ve tried to rationalize it, but I can’t and I think a piece of it is that I would never do that to someone after this length and type of connection. I guess my question for you is how do I trust myself in dating when everything seemed so aligned and comfortable and then at the drop of a hat, she vanished without any explanation.

How do I move forward? I know I want to get married and have children and build a life with a partner, but I feel like I keep having these connections that seemingly stop before they are even up and going. Again, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to this and hope you have a great week ahead!

Wisdom Keeper GM-GG Response:

I read your letter several times. Let me see if I can help.

You’ve clearly put a lot of thought and care into how you approach relationships, and that kind of self-awareness will serve you well. What you’re feeling right now—confusion, disappointment, even self-doubt—is completely understandable. When someone who seemed kind and emotionally present suddenly goes quiet, it leaves you questioning not only them but your own instincts.

F, in my experience, even people with the best intentions can suddenly withdraw for reasons that have little to do with us. Sometimes life gets complicated—a family issue, emotional overload, or another connection they’re exploring. It doesn’t excuse the silence, but it helps to remember that their actions reflect where they are, not a failure in your ability to judge character.

For now, I’d suggest giving her one more gentle message if you haven’t already—something short and warm, like “Hey, just wanted to check in and make sure everything’s okay. I really enjoyed getting to know you.” If she doesn’t respond after that, take it as a quiet closure rather than an invitation to chase. Your kindness deserves reciprocity.

To rebuild trust in yourself, look at what did go right. You communicated clearly, respected boundaries, and stayed authentic. Those are the traits of someone ready for a healthy partnership. Try to reframe this not as a loss but as proof that you’re capable of showing up with openness and grace.

Moving forward, focus on maintaining balance while dating. F, please keep your own life full—plans with friends, exercise, creative outlets—so your happiness isn’t hanging on a new connection’s rhythm. When you meet the right person, she’ll match your effort and your emotional maturity. You won’t have to guess where you stand, because it will feel mutual, steady, and clear.

I hope you find this advice useful. F, I wish you all the best!

Best Regards,

gm-gg

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Relationship or Marriage

 

Confusion and Regret

Confusion and Regret

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“A lot of drama happened in school, a friend circle of mine cut off with me because of my relationship with him. His image isn’t that good in terms of girls/relationships in school but i still dated him because he reassured me a lot of things and i got convinced.”

Our Elder says: “If it feels to awkward to speak in person; perhaps you would be open to putting your feelings and thoughts into words, and sharing what you wrote with the friend/friends you care most about. All you can do is try, and see how the other person responds.”

Dear EWC,

HEY! Sooo, recently like a month ago i had thrown a house party where i kinda had a scene with the head boy of my school. we made out and flirted that night and next morning we came in relationship. He was just too convincing and i guess i also kinda wanted to experience it.

So, i came in relationship with him. A lot of drama happened in school, a friend circle of mine cut off with me because of my relationship with him. His image isn’t that good in terms of girls/relationships in school but i still dated him because he reassured me a lot of things and i got convinced. i cut off a whole toxic fake friend circle of mine for him but out of them one was very close to me which i regret a little cutting her off. i wish i could sort things out with her before leaving for college but i just don’t know how to do.

I feel very embarrassed to go back to her and be like uk what u were right that guy was sh****. Oh yea i forgot to mention we dated 3 weeks then suddenly things got little off and he broke up with me saying that i cant handle relationship right now and that he has lot of other stuff in his life. Well, everyone believes that he just used me which i kinda feel like is true but i kinda did knew that we were just a casual relationship still i got little attach to him…anyways so recently i have been doing still better. focusing on my exams, friends that are in my life right now and just future. His birthday is on 30th September so should i wish him birthday? my friends said that i can wish as it’s just birthday wish but i just don’t know what should i do as we recently broke up and i kinda don’t want him to think that i am desperate or something for him… and should i talk to my old friend who i cut off for him..

Although that friend of mine was also kinda getting distant from me but at least she was in my life… now she isn’t…it feels so bad that just because of one experience of mine i lost so many people..especially that too when it’s my last year. i literally wish in my last year of school i had good relations with everyone in and out of my school but i guess i just hoped for something that just happens in movies/series…

Wisdom Keeper SusanC Response:

It can feel very unsettling when relationships change. Try not to be too hard on yourself for being with a person who turned out to be not so great. It has happened to many of us; myself included. There is something to learn from all experiences involving other people. As far as wishing this person “Happy Birthday”; my opinion is, why bother.  Seems like you are, understandably, feeling a bit raw over what happened. I don’t see how being in touch with this person would be helpful to you in any way.

Now, reconnecting with past friends is a different story. If it feels to awkward to speak in person; perhaps you would be open to putting your feelings and thoughts into words, and sharing what you wrote with the friend/friends you care most about. All you can do is try, and see how the other person responds. It might take time to rebuild the relationship, or, it is possible that the relationship can’t be saved. Unfortunately, as upsetting as that could be; sometimes things just work out that way.

I understand that you are going through a rough time right now. Try to be patient with yourself. Put your best foot forward with the people in your life. If you proceed with sincerity and thoughtfulness; you can know that you did the best you could to regain the friendships. Keep in mind that not all relationships can withstand the test of time. Perhaps you would be open to seeking out and nurturing new friendships. There are a lot of wonderful people out there.

I do wish you the best possible outcome as you navigate your current situation. Please take care of yourself; feel free to write us again, and to share our website with others.

Best Regards,

SusanC

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Relationship or Marriage

 

Should I stay in temp role

Should I Stay in Temp Role?

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“My dilemma is, I was offered a temp contract role for 6 months in a more professional, larger firm. I would have better opportunities to network and earn and possibly get my foot in the door but its uncertain.”

Our Elder says: “Have you been able to talk to present or past employees of that firm that can speak about this company, their satisfaction, and their heartfelt beliefs on how it may lead to betterment?”

Dear EWC,

I have been out of work for almost 3 years. I recently moved to Raleigh,NC I was making 6 figures. The job was so terrible.

When hired they knew I did compliance and QA not Audit. I wa assertive and tried to learn did everything, but finally left. In all honesty, I should have posted out to a different role with the company. Fast forward ive worked temp roles making very minimal pay. Finally a job making a bit more but still have of my normal pay I took it.

I’m married my husband has been trying to launch a buisness for some years so employer insurance was another motivation. Well ive been in the job almost 5 months and the growth and opportunities that were told to me I see are not the case. The work environment is a bit archaic, the people and culture are great, however they have never worked anywhere else. It’s a small company.

My dilemma is, I was offered a temp contract role for 6 months in a more professional, larger firm. I would have better opportunities to network and earn and possibly get my foot in the door but its uncertain. Should I take the higher temp role or stay with stability. Also I need to repair credit etc and my husband doesn’t have consistent income.

Wisdom Keeper Paul-Dad Response:

Thank you for your inquiry, Vulnavia.  I can’t tell you which job decision you should make, but I will list some factors that I believe may be helpful in your decision.

I’m sorry that the job you are in has been disappointing.  Since you have had recent unemployment, and have only been there a few months, I would generally advise that you stay there to get at least one year of steady employment before you look around.  Gaps in employment and moving around to lots of different jobs can be viewed negatively when seeking future jobs.  My “general advice” is not my final advice, just a point of reference that works in most employment situations.

Vulnavia, are you positive there are not paths to advancement and more income at your current company?  I hope you have thoroughly explored that possibility with co-workers, Supervisors, and HR (if that function exists in your company).

How sure are you that taking the 6 month contract job will be an opportunity for networking, learning, and improved pay?  When you interviewed for the job, did they make convincing statements about chances for advancement?  Did they give specific examples of persons who started with contracts and moved to permanent roles?  Have you been able to talk to present or past employees of that firm that can speak about this company, their satisfaction, and their heartfelt beliefs on how it may lead to betterment?  Does this company only hire contract workers?  If no, might you persuade them to offer you full time, or for more than a 6 month contract?

Vulnavia, keep a little skepticism, all jobs look good when you’re speaking to the hiring persons.  The disappointing job that you are currently in likely sounded great before you began there.  Since you already have some gaps, making a move to just a 6 month contract, might be risky.  I hope you can be very sure that it is the right move before you agree to the contract acceptance.  Also, as mentioned, consider asking if the contract period could be increased, or if full time employment may be offered.  They won’t blame you for asking, and if the answer is no, you are no worse off.

I wish you luck, Vulnavia, and thank you for visiting our online group.  I hope we will hear more from you.

Best Regards,

Paul-Dad

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Career

 

I Hate My Teammate

I Hate My Teammate

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…but my coach says we have to be friends.

Not true, says our elder. She’s like a work colleague — treat her with respect, but you certainly don’t have to be her friend.

Dear EWC

So I am in a predicament here. I am on a college tennis team and I don’t really get along with one of my teammates. It seems as though she is in her own world and will say uncalled-for, hurtful things to everyone and she doesn’t seem to care. She will have her moments where she will be very nice and it’s great; which makes it hard for me to let her go. But she will definitely have her moments where she will say very hurtful things to me especially when we are with a group of people. I have had people warn me before going to the school that she can be very on and off with people and she is in her own little world. I have been in countless situations with her where if she was in the wrong and needed my help, I would always have her side. But she has proven to me that she will avoid the drama and not help me out if I was in the same predicament as her. I truly don’t know what to do in this situation because she is my teammate and it is half my job according to my coach to be friends with her because it helps our team “bond” and that is very important to our coach. I have talked to this girl countless times about how she hurts my feelings and how I truly don’t think she respects me as a person. I don’t know if it’s a jealous thing or not but why would she act this way towards me when all I have been was nice and cordial? I have come to the conclusion that there is no getting through to this girl. Please help me I feel very lost and I don’t know what to do 🙁

Ketchman replies

Thanks for contacting us. For the situation you’ve described I have to disagree with your coach. You don’t “have” to be friends with everyone you work with and it’s unreasonable to expect that. It’s reasonable to expect that all members of an organization will work together and support each other in the furtherance of the goals of the organization, but that doesn’t imply that everyone is going to be friends — or should be. History is full of examples of very successful partnerships of people who truly detested each other but still managed to do great things as a team.

The key, I think, is to recognize the skills of each other as they relate to your joint endeavor. What’s important is not your off-court relationship but your ability to support each other towards building a winning team. During my working life, I’ve had a number of occasions when I’ve had to work very closely with someone whom, to put it mildly, I wasn’t going to have an after-work beer with but who was so good at his or her job that I was forever grateful to have them on my team.

My suggestion is to work on not feeling guilty about your overtures of friendship being unreciprocated. Every friendship requires a certain spark that converts acquaintances into friends and, if that spark isn’t present or doesn’t develop, you’ll remain, at best, working acquaintances. There’s nothing wrong with that and, in fact, most of the people you’ll work with over your life will be acquaintances rather than friends. A friendship is a precious relationship and what makes it precious, for each of us, is that it’s conferred on a relatively small number of acquaintances.

It might be useful to treat her “on and off” attitude as her handicap and continue being as kind and as respectful as you would towards other handicapped individuals. In time, her treatment of you might improve, or not, but at the very least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you were the adult in the room.

Letter #: 441934
Category: Friendship

Is my friend Homophobic

Is My Friend Homophobic?

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All was going well with my new friend until she discovered I once had a relationship with a woman. Now she won’t talk to me.

It sounds like you might be better off without her, says our elder.

Dear EWC

I’ve been becoming friends with someone and have spent almost every day for the past three months hanging out or texting. Recently, she was asking about one of my old friends and I let her know we had once been in a romantic relationship and that I loved her (more than 10 years ago). While it occurred to me that my new friend maybe a little “hung up” on homosexuality, what happened next never crossed my mind… We were sitting next to each other in a meeting with maybe 20 other people and when I went to look for something in my pocket (laid over the back of my chair) and she literally flinched! She went out of town the day after for a few weeks and we haven’t exchanged any words for almost a week. I did text her and she gave some thin response. I can only assume that she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. I’m heartbroken to lose a new friend. I’m confused that anyone might imagine I’d touch them inappropriately or otherwise be afraid around or disgusted with me. I keep thinking about whether I should bring it up when she comes back, whether she’ll even want to be around me long enough to talk, or whether I can be friends with someone who flinched around me. Should I just leave her be, nurse my heart, and move on… or talk to her about how hurt I am and attempt some understanding and friendship, if possible? Thanks for listening! P.S. If it’s at all relevant she knows I’ve dated men since and want to now.

Lincoln-Parker replies

I think you should address the issue tactfully but without any embarrassment.


You might first address the issue head-on — i.e., “Friend, you have been acting differently since this incident, and I can only think that you thought that I was making some type of advance. I want you to know that wasn’t my intention, and I would never take advantage of our friendship in such a manner.” Depending on how upset you are, you may tell her how hurtful it has been that she would even think that you might take advantage of your friendship.


As you stated, she may be “hung up on homosexuality”, but since a lot of the rest of the world isn’t, she shouldn’t be allowed to jump to conclusions on the issue and assume a predatory nature of other people. It wasn’t your intention and, whether she believes that or not, you should state your case. If she doesn’t want to accept her error, you may have lost a friend, but it may not be a major loss in the long run.


I say that you should do this tactfully because depending on her level of homophobia, she may suddenly feel it necessary to spread her concerns among at least 20 people that you know. Hopefully, they would tell her to wake up, get with the real world, and stop “flinching” every time someone inadvertently bumps into her on a crowded bus. It appears you value her friendship in-spite of her ancient take on homosexuality, so let’s hope she ups her acceptance level and understanding and wants to continue the friendship. If not, agree to disagree as long as she understands that she was wrong about your intentions. Then move on and don’t spend a lot of time while you “nurse your heart.”
She’s wrong; you aren’t.

Letter #: 443140
Category: Friendship

Is My Coworker a Creep

Is My Co-worker a Creep?

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He said he liked my dimples — but it’s clear we’re just friends, right?

Erm… sounds like he might want a bit more than that, says our elder. Trust your instincts, and make it clear you’ll only ever be friends.

Dear EWC

I am in my early 20s. I work at a law firm as a legal assistant. The IT guy (age 40) who updates and maintains our computers emailed me to have lunch with him sometime. I agreed because we get along fairly well. Also, I have almost no friends due to my workload (and lack of free time), so it only seems natural to make friends at work. The firm I work at is fairly small (one lawyer, an accountant and me). I am in a relationship, and so is the IT guy. During our lunch, he told me that he has been with his partner for ten years. This made me instantly more comfortable because if a guy already has a girlfriend, it’s not likely he’ll hit on another girl (namely me). He even suggested that he and his girlfriend could hang out with me sometime. But there are some signs that caused me a tiny bit of concern: (a) he paid for lunch, (b) he opened my door for me, (c) he sent me this text after our lunch: “I loved chatting with you, and your dimples”, and, (d) and he said he would clear his schedule for lunch if I wanted to hang out again. (He mentioned being free next week) I am 99 percent sure that he was just being complimentary and friendly. And he is really easy to talk to. I guess I just want to make sure that my need for friendship isn’t tampering with my perceptions. After all, there comes a point in life where there’s enough maturity for guys and girls to be just friends, right? But I thought I should ask for a second opinion (just in case there is something below the surface). Also, I told my partner about lunch, so there is no secrecy in that regard. Thoughts?

Folk replies

Although nothing your co-worker has done so far rings any alarm bells with me, my sense of the situation is that he is attracted to you (those dimples!) and feeling you out to see if you might possibly be receptive to something more than just a friendship. I think, yes, you and he could be just friends but that you need to make it clear to him from the get-go that this is all you can ever be.
The fact that he paid for your first lunch doesn’t concern me. He was the one the invited you to lunch, after all, so it was not at all inappropriate for him to pick up the check. Just make sure that the next time you and he meet for lunch, you pick up the tab (saying point-blank, “You got it last time.”) You need to make clear to him that you and he are not on a lunch “date” but simply two colleagues having lunch together. I regularly had lunch with a male colleague for years; instead of splitting the check, we just alternated paying it. Maybe this system could work for you and your friend as well.


Opening the door for you was just a courtesy which, in itself, likewise means nothing. Ditto his follow-up text saying he’d enjoyed your lunch and asking to do it again. But the mention of your dimples in the text is a teensy bit troubling — because it ever so slightly crosses the line into complimenting you on a body part. Maybe he just likes dimples (who doesn’t?) but maybe he’s signaling to you that he finds you attractive. Offering to “clear his schedule” is a little bit troubling as well. It goes just a hair too far. It would have been more appropriate for him to say something like, “I hope we can do it again sometime,” or, “Let me know when you’re free for lunch again.”


In short, although you are not interested in this guy romantically, he may be so in you. My sense is that if you gave this guy a sign that you returned his interest, he’d jump on it. This, however, does not necessarily mean that if you shut that door firmly that he wouldn’t be willing to accept being just your friend.


Trust your instincts. You wrote to us because something about this guy’s behavior made you want to double-check your own perceptions. Yes, he has a partner; but having a partner doesn’t always keep people from pursuing other opportunities. Since he’s easy to talk to, you enjoy his company, and you need friends, I suggest that you continue to pursue a friendship with him but to subtly let him know that you and your partner are good and that there is no opportunity for anything other than that. The fact that he finds you attractive need not be a bar to friendship; it is just something that is there that needs to be acknowledged.

Letter #: 435974
Category: Friendship

Abandoned at the ER

Abandoned at the ER

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My neighbor left me alone at the ER – and then she got mad at me! Should I try to save this friendship? 

She’s shown her true colors, says our elder. Time to move on.

 

Dear EWC

Last year, my neighbor called me to ask if I would take her to the ER to follow the ambulance that had taken her husband to the hospital with chest pains. I immediately went to her house and we drove there. I stayed with them until he was admitted and then I took her home around midnight. Several months later, I asked her to take me to the ER because my blood sugar was sky-high and I was frightened. She and her husband took me to the ER, but couldn’t leave fast enough after dropping me off. She said she had dinner in the oven and her husband had an early bedtime because of his work shift. I was so disappointed in her and she only texted me once to see if I had been admitted. I left the hospital in an Uber around midnight. Two days later, she called and hardly asked me how I was doing and what the doctors found out. I told her I felt slighted that she hadn’t stayed with me. She flew into a rage over the phone and told me she would make sure that even her daughter, who was also a friend, would block me from Facebook and would block my phone number and email as she was going to do. 

This was back in November 2019 and she has made it her business to avoid me like the plague. The back of her house faces the back of mine and she even erected a fence so she doesn’t have to see me when I am in my backyard. I had been friends with this woman for almost nine years and she expressed so much hatred for me that I’m still reeling over it. I don’t think I deserved such animosity. I didn’t use any harsh words with her at all and her anger and resentment are over the top, in my opinion. I’ve thought of extending the olive branch, but frankly I’m afraid she’ll lash out at me again and I would be putting myself in the position of having done something wrong to her, which I did not. I thought that as a friend I could express my disappointment to her and she would’ve at least acknowledged that she could’ve allowed her husband to eat his dinner alone just that one night in this emergency. I feel bad about this whole thing, but in another way, I feel she showed her true colors to me. What do you think?

 

Tutu-Debbie

I believe she is showing one of her true colors. Some people in this world are unable to let a grudge go. Resuming the relationship may be all good for a while, but then something like this will happen again. In order to befriend this person, you have to be willing to allow her to snub you as she thinks appropriate – which in my mind is unfair.

She may have felt guilty for the decision she made when she left you at the hospital, and that has caused her to try to justify it. She may, like many women, have been afraid to disappoint her husband by sending him home to dinner alone. Even if he didn’t care, a number of women are afraid to not do what they think their husbands expect

I have seen neighbors like this shun my father-in-law for silly reasons, and then come back around on their own. It is just a certain personality quirk, I think. In order to decide whether to make an effort to renew the relationship, I would consider whether it is more beneficial for me to have a helpful friendly neighbor, or to forget about her and not risk further disputes. Because she has erected the fence, I would day she is pretty determined to continue to shun you. It is a shame she is hurting herself, but you don’t have to be hurt by her any more.

I hope this helps in your decision making. Good luck to you!

Article #: 458611

Category: Friendship

Is this the right friendship

Is This Friendship?

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Because if so, it sucks.

Our elder has some advice for a letter writer who’s seeking some new and better friends.

Dear EWC

When I was younger I never had any friends, but occasionally I did get a friend that stuck around for about a few weeks and then found other people to hang out with. I realized that most of those people used me to complain or as informal therapy. Because of this, I spent almost my entire elementary school and middle school years alone. When I reached ninth grade, one of my previous friends that ditched me for others from when I was younger started talking to me and we became friends. She can be nice sometimes, but she picks when she wants to be nice and when to be mean. She tries to tell me what to do, is rude and says the opposite of everything I say sometimes. She complains to me, but doesn’t listen to me when I give advice and ignores me when I speak sometimes. Also, in groups, I’m usually the one that is made fun of. I don’t know much about having friends, since she is my first friend and I have talked to her about it, but she won’t listen. She’s a good person, but she annoys me a lot. Is this normal when having friends?

Lincoln-Parker replies

The description that you give of this so-called friend — “She tries to tell me what to do, is rude and says the opposite of everything I say sometimes. She complains to me, but doesn’t listen” — is not what I would call “normal.” She may be a friend, but I cannot imagine that she is much fun to be around, especially since you say that “she annoys me a lot.” To answer your question—you do need friends, but I think you can do better.

Finding good friends is not easy, especially when you set it as the goal. Instead, the goal should be finding the social things that you like to do and joining up to do them. In the process, you will meet other young people who enjoy the same things, and, frequently, great friendships develop. Concentrate on the things that you think are going to bring you the most enjoyment. It may be sports, the band, debate, math club, or any of a lot of other social activities that high schools have to offer today. Don’t let your shyness stop you; you are joining in because of your interest, not because you are trying to make friends.

By doing this, you will be thrown in with a lot of other kids who enjoy the same thing, and friendships will start to develop. You will automatically be associating with people who have similar interests, and you will all interact in the pursuit of that interest. Some will become friends, and some will just be other people who enjoy that activity. An added advantage is that now you are getting enjoyment out of a group rather than one person. You get to decide how close you want to get to any one person in that group.

I am not suggesting that you discard your current friend; I just think that you are too heavily dependent on one person. As you start to associate with your new-found group, you can decide how much time you want to continue to spend with your current friend. Participating in a group of like-interested people will engage you more in that you are participating in something healthy that you all enjoy doing together. This is often where some of the greatest and long-lasting friendships start, and you get to choose the forum based on an activity that you enjoy.

Give this a try. Don’t approach it as an instantaneous means of replacing a friend. Look at is a way of enjoying yourself more and associating with people who equally enjoy this activity and the people who enjoy doing it. The result will be unselfish friendships

Letter #: 459158
Category: Friendship

My friend fancies you

My Friend Fancies You

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My friend asked me to approach a boy and ask for his Snapchat username, and I said no. Am I a bad friend?

Absolutely not, says our elder. She was only thinking about herself.

Dear EWC

So I have this friend with anxiety. She is getting help from a counselor about it. We are both 14 by the way. We were ice skating with some other people then she saw this boy who she thought was good looking. She wanted me to go ask for his Snapchat username for her and me to give him hers. I said no because I was scared and anxious about it, I said no then she got mad at me. I got yelled at for being selfish and I got called a bad friend. I do things such as our school shows and things like that. She used that and said, “You’re not an anxious person since you do that.” She then proceeded to call me selfish. My main question is. Am I being selfish? After that we went out with some people. She then asked someone else in our friendship group the same thing she asked me to do to the boy at ice skating. This girl said no because the person was with their family and pushing a pushchair. My friend got mad. The boy at ice skating was also with his family. Which leads me on to my next question. Does my friend have a right to be mad? And is it fair for me to argue back with, “You can’t expect us to do something you wouldn’t do yourself?”

M-Sharon replies

You’re not being selfish. She is the one expecting others to do what she doesn’t have the courage to do herself. In the first situation, she could have said hi to him, and ask if he would like to perhaps communicate on Snapchat. I know this takes a lot of guts to do this, but if someone else doesn’t feel comfortable doing it for her, she needs to let it go. She can’t expect friends to act on her behalf every time she sees someone that she’s attracted to.

She hadn’t considered that the situation was not conducive to this. Each time, the boy was with his family.

I think it’s perfectly fine for you to tell her that not only is it not fair to have a friend do something that she won’t do herself, but that she is being the selfish one. She was only thinking of what she wanted.

I hope this helps.

Letter #: 455499
Category: Friendship

confident-teacher

Where Are My College Friends?

, 0

It’s not like I haven’t tried… Our elder has some advice for a student who’s finding campus life lonely.

Dear EWC

I’m writing today because I feel very lonely. It’s nearing the end of my second semester at college and I still feel like I have no actual friends. At the beginning of the first semester, I was super friendly and enthusiastic with my peers. I met and hung out with so many people and different friend groups (probably around 60+), and yet, for some reason, they never wanted to hang out again after the first or second time. I felt very alone last semester, as these people, when I would reach out to them, would give a false excuse such as studying even though on social media they would post pictures of them partying or going into the city or they would just ignore my message. It was really hurtful and disappointing, especially because I really put myself out there as an introvert. During the first few weeks, I would go into the dining hall and introduce myself to and sit with people I didn’t even know in an attempt to make friends. I was also very confused because the people that I hung out with appear to always really like me; some of them have said things like, “Why is this the first time we’re hanging out with you?!” and described our time spent together as having been “so much fun”.

I don’t think I have been invited by more than three people this whole year, while I myself have extended at least 100 invitations to hang out, watch a movie, get dinner on campus or off, go to a party, etc. throughout this same period. This semester, I decided to tone it down because I thought people may have thought I was too overbearing except that did not really help either because only a few people have invited me to anything. I talk to people in my class daily that I sit nearby and we seem to get along well, yet they do not seem to want to hang outside of class, as they have not asked me to hang out and have turned down the one invitation that I decided to extend. I have also tried to make friends at several clubs, but experienced the same thing. I don’t know what to do. I’m friendly with so many people yet I do not have any friends really. I would say that I’ve had other friends in the past but we drifted apart and the friendships were short-lived.

One friend admitted to me that she ignored me for four weeks straight even though she knew I was feeling very alone because she was mad at me for something she even said I did not do. Another friend recently canceled plans. There are two girls that I would say I’m friends with but they always complain about having so much homework and usually can only hang out with me for two hours a week. For some reason, I have barely any homework in comparison, meaning I have even more free time. I have no problem being alone sometimes, in fact, I enjoy being alone a lot, but I simply cannot deal with being alone nearly all throughout the school week minus class as well as the entire weekend. I have a single dorm as well which does not help.

Also, I do want to be clear that I do not bring up my lack of friends with people and feelings of loneliness; I think I have told three people total. According to my two friends and acquaintances, I come off as the fun, slightly crazy but in a good way girl, which I would agree with. I’m good with anything and hanging with anyone. In the past when people invited themselves to hang out with my friends and me, I have always answered “Of course!”. I feel like I am a good, considerate, and loyal friend, but I can’t seem to find decent friends here at college despite that. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can survive another 3 years like the past one I’ve had, but I have run out of ideas on how to change this situation. What do I do?

Mama-Joan replies

Yours is such an articulate letter. Being an introvert myself I could understand you and your situation very well. If you aren’t satisfied with my thoughts, do write again because another elder may be able to give more insight.
Here are my thoughts:


You are not alone. I believe there are many young people on campus who, like you, are forming friendships that look good in an Instagram photo and Facebook clip, but aren’t true friendships. As an outside observer, it looks like everyone has great friendships, but my guess is that most are temporary and fleeting. The question I have that wasn’t answered in your letter is: What is your major? What are you studying? What are your interests? When I was in college I was interested in theatre (not my major) and I became involved with the theatre groups on campus building sets, working on costumes and acting in plays. I believe you will find friends if you get involved/volunteer with clubs and groups that truly interest you… journalism, art, music, science. Then, when you connect with someone you have something of substance in common. Everyone needs friends… the trick is getting connected.

I encourage you to look for different living arrangements than the common dorm. When my sons went to college there were on-campus apartments where students had their own room, but shared a common living room and kitchenette… for my sons these “apartment” mates became close friends. Also, one of my sons joined a dorm that was for honor students which provided a “built-in” social group of like-minded students. Investigate to see if there are specialized dorms where like-minded students live together.

Like me, my sons were introverts, too. I always told them that they only needed one or two good friends. It occurs to me that you are trying to be friends with too many people and you seem to believe that you need to be popular and have a lot of friends. In the second paragraph of your letter you said you were invited out by three people over the course of the year. That’s significant… What happened to those budding friendships?


Most people have several different kinds of friends. We have friends that we like to play sports with, friends for shopping, coffee friends, etc. Try to accept your friends for who they are and “meet them” where they are. By that I mean, if certain friends can only hang out for a couple hours a week because of their study schedules, then accept that and enjoy your time together. Plan something fun for those two hours. Appreciate the time you have together with each particular friend.

I hope my thoughts are helpful to you. Do consider writing to other elders for additional insight.

Letter #: 439660
Category: Friendship

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