Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™
CHILDREN: How Do I Handle Daughter Lying and Stealing? Original Letter I have 2 children ages 10 and 7. The 7 year old, (girl) lies and steals all the time. She went to a counselor for a couple months. As a reward for seemingly improved behavior I enrolled her in a dance class. This was requested by her, I am not a dance mom per se, but support her exploration. The thieving and lying slowly escalated- she mostly steals food. (and has an entire snack drawer of foods she likes available at will). One day I was so frustrated- I put a bag of cookies on the table. Throwing down the gauntlet, daring her to touch the bag and dance would be canceled. Within 2 hours she demolished the bag, without trying to hide the evidence- as she usually frames her 10 year old brother. It's been almost a month, she hasn't said a word about dance until tonight. She cried, and gave me details about how she missed it, and how far away (next Aug) her next opportunity was to be in dance again. Well tonight I had my husband bring home her favorite chocolate. I put it on the table. She has 24 hours to not touch the bar, and it's hers. As far as dance- if she is successful with this mini test I am willing to (probably look like an idiot) and see if the dance company, (aug-may is their season) will take her back.... Am I an idiot? Is my very intelligent 7 year old playing on my indecisiveness? My husband thinks it's a bad idea- I'm defiantly the softer side of the parenting duo. I have no idea, but trying to be consistent and love while parenting this amazing girl. I'm just at a loss. Why does she steal and lie? I am at a loss. I feel like I've tried everything- and it just isn't working 60% of the time. Please help. Do I sign her into dance again with no contingencies? How dare I put that on the line? It's an emergency because it's 4 in the morning- and I'm terrified of myself, tired of parenting (in my opinion) so terribly. What a mess. I feel like if anyone else parented this child, she wouldn't be doing things like this. And she naturally keeps her cards close to her chest- I just want to ...wake up and not wonder what will be destroyed today. The past 3 months I have been painfully consistent. This however haunts me. Either way. Elder Response I think your daughter's behavior is a cry for help. The fact that she did not hide her cookie theft is so revealing. Did she want to be caught? Did she want to provoke a reaction from you? Why would she need to do this? Does she resent her brother and feel that a negative reaction from her parents is better than none? You need to seek the answers before there can be any change of behavior. Therefore, I am shocked and dismayed by your cookie and cake tests. This becomes a fight for control that no one can win. She may do what you want, but what about the resentment? Something is compelling her to steal food and I fear that you may not be seeking the cause of the problem -- which may be rooted in the entire family relationships. If she is suffering from a compulsion, and has no ability to curb it, then she needs treatment, maybe counseling, maybe medication. Please, Dy, stop creating hurdles for her to jump over. She may not be able to control this behavior. I am not a professional and I don't know the qualifications of the counselor you sought, but I strongly plead with you to go further. See a psychologist or a psychiatrist and get therapy for her -- and perhaps for the whole family. Certainly, the road you have taken is not working, and I think rewards and punishments are a dead (and painful) end. You need an answer to your question: "Why does she steal and lie." I am at a loss. You need professional help to find out why, Meanwhile, what I would do is give her the dance classes -- no strings attached. No one should have to prove herself to be eligible to experience a happy, worthwhile activity. Don't create weapons. I don't know the food rules in your family -- or how strict you are -- but my cupboards were always open to my children so nothing could ever be labeled as stealing. Anyone hungry at any time could help themselves. . You mention a snack drawer. Are other things unavailable? Does that make them more desirable? You say other parents of this child might not have these problems. Maybe, maybe not, but you should certainly discuss your family rules and relationships with a knowledgeable therapist. Best Regards, Hedwig |
