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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Need Help Connecting With People
Letter #: 375439
Category: Self-Improvement

Original Letter

Hi there. Recently, i ve been very very sad about how my life is. I have straight A's as a junior and i love to socilize and talk to people, but lately that hasnt been happening. Ive tried numerous times to schedule hang out with people, try to get a girlfriend for moral support, tried to join clubs, switch through multiple social groups and ive got nothing to show for it. Over the past couple of weeks, im bored and miserable. I dont tell any of the people around me because it doesnt seem to matter since we are in high school since everyone is the sun so you can have anyone take any personal connection towards you, or at least me in this case. I will admit, sometimes i have problems being a little arrogant or to confident because i want to show that im no ordinary guy, but people at my school just dont talk at all to me but talk plenty to others. The group im in is with a bunch of seniors and a couple people my age. The people that are my age dont like me because they are girls, 3 of them with a story with me. One of them never talks to me and i partially think that because i asked her out after a year and half, she just ran away and sent me a paragraph text saying she wasnt interested. The second one just hated me for when i was new to the school and arrogant. The third one thinks im hitting on her by asking for a study group when its not true. Last year i was miserable as well not being able to find new friends at the school i transfered to so i was forced to sit in a library for 7 months writting pages and pages of writting of how depressed and just socially challenged ( even tho i love to talk and im not afraid to go up to someone and just start a conversation). I cant ask my mother anymore because all i get is unclear advice that i cant use and argument about the stupidest things ever imgainable. For example, she asks me to do a lot of things she can do on her own, and i help, but at one point its gets to to much. I try to argue with her but she wont move off her opinion and she isnt open to changing her mind so i dont have anywhaere where i can be happy and free.I dont know what to do anymore, ive tried every thing, ive studied the art of communication, used its philosphy to find new friends, made friends with the new kids when ultimatly i was jsut a foster home for them as they easily found new groups,or even try to make hang outs and evenings at school but ultimatly fail because people are extremly flakey. I hate being this sad and i hate not talking to people and wasting my time being bored when i could be doing something to make me happy. If you have any advice to help me improve socially or my well being or how to be less arrogant or anything else, its greatly appreciated! And im sorry if its a little hard to tell my situation but i tried my best, i can clarify anything. I just want to be happy again, whatever that means.

Elder Response

Finn, friendships at every age of life are important.  For people your age, they can be even more important, because people your age don't yet have partners and independent lives. I understand your unhappiness at what appears to be your inability to connect with people. I will accept that you have done everything you can think of to meet people, with little or no success. So, what's next?

My suggestion is to get feedback. This isn't easy, since you will have to be vulnerable and open to what people say. But the good news is that you can learn something that you may not know now. Start with the girls. It sounds like each of them is reacting to what you did in the past. Tell each one that you are sorry if you have ever done or said anything to upset them or turn them off. Explain that you are looking for friendship, and ask them what their honest response is to that.

Next, talk to a couple of the guys in your school who you have tried to befriend in the past.  Ask them for feedback, as well. Choose guys who seem easily approachable.  I hope you hear things that will make a difference in your life. The important thing is that if you hear the same thing a couple times, take it seriously. Be the kind of person who attracts others, rather than pushes them away. You are capable of doing that. 

As for your mom, know that all mothers want what is best for their children. Try to see some of her actions as coming from love, rather than from trying to create problems with you. You are old enough to sit down with her and express yourself in an adult way.  Tell her that you want a healthy relationship with her, and you are willing to do whatever it takes for that to happen. If you go away to college, it means you only have a short time left at home.  You don't want to regret that you didn't use that time to improve your relationship with your mom. 

If you start being vulnerable with people, they will respond in a positive way.  That includes the people at school, as well as your mom. And it will provide you a great lesson for all the years to come in your life. You are a smart, caring, capable young man. You can do this. 

Best Regards,



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