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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

OTHER: Pregnant and Alone
Letter #: 378075
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I'm 8 months pregnant and my boyfriend has been so flaky. We have been seeing each other for 3 years, but currently do not live together. He has been telling me since we found out I was pregnant that he is going to move in with me, but has not moved in yet. Every time I ask him about it, he says he needs more time. I am getting very anxious because I live by myself in NYC and all my family is in the Chicago area. I am 30 years old, and have a good job, but am nervous that when the baby comes I will still be living by myself and it will be difficult with no family here.

Since finding out about the pregnancy my boyfriend says he is excited about it and wants to be involved, but he often flakes out on me. I talk to him multiple times a day every day and see him 3-4 times a week and on weekends, but have gone to many doctor appointments by myself, he always has an excuse last minute of why he can't go. Currently I am sitting in my apartment waiting for him, as he said he would be here several hours ago and we were supposed to spend the day together. I just never know for sure if he is going to show up when he says or not.

I don't know what to do. I love him, but he can be so unreliable and I am getting very anxious because I know I will be even more upset if he continues to do this when the baby comes. He says he loves me and is excited for the baby, but I am just getting very stressed. I'm worried he will not end up moving in with me when the baby is born and will just stop by on his own time when he feels like seeing the baby, leaving me as almost a single mother. I'm even worried at this point that what if I go in to labor, and he doesn't come right away or isn't around? It makes me sick thinking about having the baby by myself. Part of me wants to just look for jobs and move back to the Chicago area to be closer to my family, but I don't know if I'm being dramatic or emotional because of the hormones, and I have a good job here that I like. I want to give him a chance to prove himself, but I feel like if he isn't stepping up now when I'm 8 months pregnant, how can I assume he will when the baby is born? Do you think I should consider moving to be back closer to my family where I would have more support? I want what's best for my baby and for me, but just can't seem to figure out what that is. I don't want to take my baby away from her father if I haven't given him a good enough chance to prove himself, but I feel like it's not good for her to have a father who isn't fully in the picture either.

Elder Response

I'm sorry to learn of your situation, Rose. 

I believe you should move back to Chicago to be with your family.  Here's why.  When it comes to adults, what you see is what you get.  We can't change others, nor expect them to change for us, no matter what words may be exchanged, nor what feelings may exist on both sides.  Your boyfriend has demonstrated by his actions the way he is, and he's given you no reason to think he'd be different at some future time.   You've your own best welfare to look out for, and that of your child, and your best bet for ensuring this is to be near those whom you love and trust.  Understand that you're not taking the baby away from his father--the father has demonstrated that he'd most likely take himself away from his child--at least on a basis you and the baby can be sure of.   

Your boyfriend will always be the child's father, and I feel you will permit him to be part of the baby's life when he wishes to be.  Do right by yourself and your child and make your plans to move.  I think you'll be relieved you did.  I wish you a bright and happy future, Rose. 

Best Regards,

Excelsior


    

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