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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

MARRIAGE: He Became Distant After I Became Pregnant
Letter #: 378140
Category: Marriage

Original Letter

Hello, my name is Moesha McIntyre. I'm 19 years old, and.. I could really use some help.. I've gotten married at age 18 to a man whom I thought I would spend my life with, but comes to turn out when I found out I was pregnant Jan 19th of this year my husband became very distant with me. He barely calls me, he moved with his parents and three brothers. He calls me sometimes, but not really all the time. He checks up on me, but I don't know what could be wrong with him. I try my hardest to talk to him any way that I can, but all he does is ignore my phone calls, and proclaims that he doesn't get my text messages when I text him. ( I think it's pretty weird if you ask me, he never treated me like this before when we been married for almost a year, and plus when we were dating, he never showed me any signs that I shouldn't trust him. He isn't the cheating type, so he say's.) but, I try to act as if I don't care, and when I don't answer his calls, block his number, and his text messages he all of a sudden starts to care that I'm ignoring him. I don't know if he's playing a game with me, or just trying to see how far I will go until I can't take anymore. I'm 21 weeks pregnant now, last friday made it 21 weeks for me. I've been stressing a lot lately, my family tells me to get over him, but I invested so much time with this man that I don't think I can just give up, I mean if you love somebody like you say you do, you just don't give up on them, not even just a little bit. My family tells me to let him go, he isn't doing anything for me or our kid, but I'm thinking that me actually being pregnant is something that's taking a toll on him, he tells me he's been tired lately, sleeping all morning thoughout the night.. I just don't know, maybe I could get some help with what's really going on, and what I should do far as staying married and try to work things out, or if I should just carry on with the divorce plans, and take my child and just start a new life with just me, and my child..

Elder Response

I'm so very sorry that you're in this situation, Moesha, and I'm glad you wrote to us.

You're very young to be married and I'm assuming that your husband is also young.  It sounds to me as if he's running away from the responsibility of fatherhood.  Yes, your pregnancy may be 'taking a toll on him', but he seems to have very little consideration for the toll it's taking on you. 

I'm not sure from your letter if you lived together before you got pregnant and then he moved out on you - if so, I truly think it was an unforgivable thing to do.  You need all the love and support you can get from your husband during pregnancy and all he seems to be doing is giving you stress.  That's not good for either you or the baby.   I'm surprised that he's selfish enough to complain to you that HE'S been tired lately, when he should be the one taking care of you.  However, have  you suggested that he talk to his doctor, just in case he has some physical illness that's making him behave this way?

I do think, though,  the fact that he ignores your phone calls and texts indicates that he's not only behaving very immaturely, but he's also behaving in a very cowardly way. If this is some game to him, it's a very inappropriate and irresponsible one.  I'm sure he must have some good qualities, Moesha, as you seem to still love him despite all this, but I'm afraid that I agree with your family that you should just get over him and move on. I understand that won't be easy, because he's your baby's father, but right now you don't really have a marriage, and what kind of a father will this man be, and what kind of role model for a child, when he walks out on a pregnant wife?  Will you and your child ever be able to depend on him or trust him?  I'm also wondering about his family, who have taken him in and are allowing him to avoid his responsibilities to you - do you know what they're saying about this? After all, this baby will be their grandchild.

If he decides to come back when the baby is born, (or even before) I'd think very carefully before you agree to that.  I think you may want to suggest that you get some marriage counseling if you are ever to be together again. He needs to understand his responsibilities as a husband and father, and I think you do, too. You sound so ready to forgive him and make excuses for him.  That tells me that you're a loving and forgiving person. but unless there is some understanding of how badly he has let you down, this could be a pattern for your whole future. You have to put your own and your baby's welfare first now, Moesha, 

As you are married, I believe he will have to support your child financially regardless of whether you're together or not,  so if things don't work out you might want to talk to a lawyer about that and also what access he will have to your child.

Please take care of yourself, Moesha, I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mom, with or without this man by your side. It sounds as if you have a supportive family to help you.  Please feel free to write back any time - I'll be thinking of you and wishing the best for you.

Best Regards,

Alexandra


    

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