Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™
FAMILY: Fix Relationship with Mom and Brother Original Letter Dear Cyber Super Adult, I'm about to leave for college and have a younger brother that will be staying home for at least 2 years with my mom. He doesn't see my dad anymore because they have trouble living together because my dad assumes he's not a good kid and is always making passive aggressive statements about it and so instead of trying to prove him wrong my brother just goes with it and tries to be the worst. My mom and brother fight a lot because my mom didn't really finish growing up mentally because she started drinking at a really young age and so she acts more like a friend than a parent which makes my brother not listen to her. My brother doesn't listen to her because he thinks she's not a very good mom and holds on to the past too much (he does this with my dad too). My mom gets all depressed and upset when my brother doesn't listen because she doesn't understand that my brother is holding onto anger and that if she doesn't make a huge change then he isn't going to listen. Both of my parents lie and maipulate people and situations a lot and my brother realized that since he started high shcool (he's a junior) and absolutely hates it. I've tried to talk to my brother a few times. Once I told him to make my mom feel like she's a good parent by telling him to pretend to listen to her and pretend he doesn't know when she's lying and to stop calling her out on her lies and if she says no to him taking out the car then have him say well how about you get it another night. Once I told him that when he yells at her or doesn't listen to her that it makes her really depressed, like more than an average person because she never finished growing up mentally so he just can't do that, he just has to listen like a normal kid and. Once I told him to just be honest with her and just tell her that he wants her to try harder and that he'll try harder to work with her and be nicer and yell less. He's tried all of these briefly and quickly hated them. I've tried telling my mom that she just has to stop lying and stop yelling back and be more consistant in the way that she talks to my brother and to act like she cares about him more because I know she does but she acts like she's the center of the world. My question is how do I either fix this before I leave or make sure no one kills each other when I'm away? Elder Response First let me say congratulations on starting college. It sounds as though you grew up in a dysfunctional family from what you have described. You must be a strong person to have been successful throughout school and to have navigated the college entrance process with little help from your family. It’s normal to worry about your siblings especially when you have one that butts heads with your parents. But you must understand that you can’t “fix” anyone no matter how badly you want that or how hard you try. Growing up with parents that “lie and manipulate people and situations” had to be so difficult. You stated that your mom started drinking at a young age. Sometimes children that grow up in a family with addiction issues are more likely to take on the responsibility that their parents can’t. Red, you have given your brother great advice. You have talked with your mom. I’m not sure what else you could do other than try to get on with your life. It may be helpful for you to find a support group such as Al-anon to deal with the helpless feelings that you are describing. You can call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) for meeting information if you are interested. Your brother will eventually need to take responsibility for his actions also. Maybe you could even go to an Al-anon meeting together. Many times there is fear, hurt, anger and resentment underlying some of the actions that your brother is displaying. He may benefit from some individual counseling if he would agree. Red, try to let go of feeling responsible for the whole family. It’s not a burden that you should bear. Enjoy the next exciting chapter of your life. You have so much to look forward to. The best way to honor your parents would be to be find what makes you happy and work towards that goal. You have the opportunity to make new friends and experience new things. Good luck to you. Please be kind to yourself. I will be thinking of you and cheering you on. Please feel free to write back anytime. We are always here to listen. Best Regards, Dot |
