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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

OTHER: Live Lesbian or Play it Straight?
Letter #: 379081
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Alright. I'm 24 and I live alone. I got out of an abusive relationship last year and paid every debt he left me with. While I was going through all this, I made a friend online. He's very nice and friendly and after awhile wanted to long distance date me. This was all good and fine until old feelings resurfaced. I've had sexual encounters with females and my first crushes were females. I only notice beautiful women and care less for men. The only reason I've been in straight relationships is because it seemed frowned upon to do otherwise. I didn't really have any lesbian friends and all the girls had boyfriends so I tried. I really did. I'm not sexually attracted to men. I don't feel anything. Not from kisses, hugs or anything of the like. This guy has been talking to me for about a year and a few months and says he loves me. I've tried to explain all this too him and he just gets depressed or cries. I feel like I'm trapped or tethered to him because he was there for me during my time of crisis. Like I owe it to him to love him too. I just don't know what to do..

Elder Response

I am sorry you are struggling with this, Coya .  I am not gay, so if you would like a gay or bisexual perspective to your letter, please feel free to place it back into the queue. I would be happy to give you my thoughts, however.

I think your decision should be about what makes you happy, not what makes others happy. You have come to the realization you have an attraction to females, and not to men. Fortunately, society has become much more accepting to the LGBT community than it was when I was in my 20s. We have a long way to go, but we are heading in the right direction. You have the right to find a person, fall in love and be happy. No one has the right to tell you what sex that person must be.

I’m sorry your long distance friend is having difficulty realizing you two will not be a couple. Realize this happens with straight couples as well. Sometimes the feelings one has, are not reflected by the other. If you know in your heart you can never be attracted to him, then it is time for each of you to move on with your lives. It is what is fair for each of you. You can try and stay friends, but that may be very difficult for him. Understand his feelings.  

Do not be hard on yourself. You did not lead him on, you just discovered who you are. In the end, you are both better off with your realization. In the days of intolerance, many gay people felt forced into heterosexual lifestyles. These rarely worked out, and many people (both gay and straight) were hurt by what happened. You may well love this man. However, you are not attracted to him, and that is a requirement for a successful romantic relationship.

You sound like a sensible, intelligent, and committed person. I’m sorry you had such a difficult time in your previous relationship.  How you dealt with it, recovered from it, and moved forward is something of which you should be proud. Many people don't have the strength and determination to end a toxic relationship, but you did. Now it is time to open a new chapter in your life, and be the person you now know.

I wish you only the best, Coya .  Both you and your friend deserve to be happy, and in love with someone.  Thank you for visiting Elder Wisdom Circle, and if we can help with any other advice, please contact us again.

Best Regards,



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