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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Why can't I emotionally get close?
Letter #: 380362
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I have problems with finding a significant other. I felt that maybe I wasn't a relationship person so I went on with guys that didn't want relationships. This is getting to be annoying and boring and I feel as though I am ready for a relationship but every time a guy wants to go on a date I refuse because I feel awkward and not happy.

Elder Response

This is a problem more common than you think, Lis.  There are all sorts of reasons why a person finds it difficult to get close (even with close friendships).  I have the same issues - so I'm going to encourage you to get some type of counseling so that you can discuss with a therapist WHY and what you feel the reasons are.  I have no idea how old you are or what your background is, but it's likely that a counselor can uncover some of those reasons by asking you the right questions.  It may help you to understand what's going on - then help you to take steps to ease things up.  We have complicated lives these days - and it doesn't help that the news and social media is so full of scary stories, instead of emphasizing the wonderful people out there who add to our lives and enhance them.  

I'd also suggest that you participate in activities - could be sports, a book club, volunteering - whatever your interests lie - to get to know more people in an atmosphere where you all have a common goal.  You may meet a better quality of folks - and a relationship may come more easily.  

It's also perfectly good to take things SLOWLY....  There's no need to assume that the minute you meet a guy you have to consider them automatically as "marriage material"...  The best relationships and marriages I know started as friendships - where the pressure was off, but the opportunity to get to know each other was there.

See if a combination of a little counseling - and joining an interest or volunteer group of some kind helps.  I have confidence you'll get this worked out and find more quality and long-term relationship/friendships as time goes on.  Good luck to you.

Best Regards,

Good-Listener


    

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