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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

MARRIAGE: She Wants Time Apart
Letter #: 383566
Category: Marriage

Original Letter

Me and my wife are having issues and she wants to take time apart and see other people to see if this marriage is what she wants. somedays she is here and willing to work but changes up to wanting to be separate.

Elder Response

It sounds like your wife is unhappy because some of her needs are not getting met and she doesn't see anything changing so now is giving up.   Open and honest communication is what you need with your wife. Frist reflect on your relationship and the issues you have had.  Do you think she feels you pull your weight with the household chores?  Do you give her time alone for herself to relax with her girlfriends or to pursue relaxing interests?  Are you always checking up on her causing her to think you don't trust her? Do you plan special events for the two of you for romantic dates?  Do you do little things that show you appreciate her?  Do you argue about money because you don't share decisions about money?  After you reflect on the relationship, ask her to meet you at a coffee shop or other public place like a park, and tell her that you realize she is unhappy and that you are sorry for whatever things you have done to hurt her.  Say why you were first attracted to her and how you know the relationship has issues and that you would like to try and work them out with her.  Don't say what she does wrong or it will just lead her to get defensive. Instead, day how you have reflected on your part in the relationship and stick to how you feel.  Then together list the issues in your relationship with specific examples.  Then both of you should list solutions that are not your first choice or your way, but are things you know that you could both live with.   Also each of you should say what needs are not getting met for you in the relationship and come up with compromises for making sure that changes.

You can use the internet to find ways to improve whatever issues you are having. 

Remember that people come into a relationship having been raised differently and so with biases to doing things in ways that are different from how they were brought up. Everyone feels the way their parents did things is the right way. If you try to win arguments by forcing her to come around to your way, then you will win and she will lose and losers don't feel good about losing.  It is far better for you both to come up with solutions that you know you both can live with and choose one and compromise.

After you meet and work out compromises, things should get better if there is no one else in the picture.  If she seems unwilling to try and work things out, ask her if it is because she has met someone else or has come to realize that she doesn't return your feelings.  Then you will know you need to move on from her as you can't make someone love you.  

Best Regards,

Grandpa-Bill


    

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