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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FAMILY: Dating Behind Mom's Back Because She's Anti-Gay
Letter #: 383956
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Hello, and thank you for taking time to read this. Lately I've felt like I've been stuck in this odd limbo of a situation. I'm in my younger teens, and dating the girl I love. I've been attracted to women before and she's the first girl I've ever dated. 

To my misfortune, my mother and overrall family has carribean and Jamaican ties; which are the most hating towards the LGBT. It's lead to the most depressing and hateful year of my life. I've been kicked out, shunned, and disconnected from all my friends. And for some of last year, I wasn't allowed outside or to use any technology or media after my mother found out when she caught me kissing my girlfriend. So basically, my situation now is to where I've met up with my girlfriend in places, have had to sneak out, periodically make sure I delete all messages from my girlfriend and other friends (because my mother goes through my phone). 

This has led me down a spiral of depression and intense anxiety. I'm still dating my girlfriend now, and we always assure each other that it'll only be a few years before we have peace. It's just now, I'm feeling a mix of emotions about keeping this relationship. It's not because she's ever done wrong, and I know that she's basically my bestest friend and closet companion along with being my girlfriend. I guess I just don't know what to expect in the future, and I'm frightened beyond belief that my mother will find everything that I've kept hidden; that I'm still contacting my girlfriend. I've known myself to be a person who chooses decisions based on logic over feelings, but my girlfriend has always been the paradox, or ironic exception until now. And as my first girlfriend, I really would never want to leave her. 

Kind Elder(s), I would just appreciate how I should handle my situation. Thank you so very much.

Elder Response

I'm so sorry about the situation you're in.  It's must be very difficult to know that your family doesn't accept who you are and won't let you see your girlfriend. 

Since you are underage and can't move out, you're limited in what you can do.  Is there any adult in your family who might be at least a bit supportive of you?d  If so, you could talk with them and see if there is any way they would be able to intervene for you.  You are being careful, but you also know that you're likely to eventually be caught sneaking out to see your girlfriend. (If that should happen again, you might want to contact social services or child welfare in your area if you have nowhere to go.)

One thing you can do somehow is talk the whole thing over with your girlfriend.  If she doesn't know that you see her as your best friend as well as your romantic friend, be sure to let her know.  Tell her that you have thought about a sort of separation until you can be open about your relationship.  If that were to happen, ask her if she would be willing to wait.  Be aware that if you two don't keep in contact, it's possible that the feelings of one or both of you could change over time.  For that matter, feelings could change if you were seeing each other over a few years.  If you haven't told her about your feelings of depression and anxiety, be sure to do so.  Whatever you end up doing, it's going to be difficult.

This leads me to the feelings of anxiety and depression.  Would you be able to tell your parents about the anxiety and depression if you told them they are general feelings and not uncommon in teens, and you wonder if you could get some kind of counseling?  You could go to your primary care doctor to get referrals. 

If your parents won't help, there is something else you could do. In the area where I live, school will be starting soon.  If yor school has counselors, it would be a good idea to talk with your counselor about the feelings and about your situation with your girlfriend.  If your school is very conservative, though, it would be a good idea to not mention your feelings about your girlfriend.  (In some private schools, a person can be kicked out for being gay.  Public schools shouldn't be able to do that, but things could become quite difficult for you.) 

To me, it sounds like you think you might feel better (in some ways) if you don't see your girlfriend, but only you can make that decision.

It's very sad that you have to live in a family that won't accept you as you are and you can't be yourself until you're older.  I hope this reply helps you.  Feel free to contact the Elders again at any time  

Best Regards,

Emme


    

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