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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

MARRIAGE: I Don't Think I Love My Husband
Letter #: 384198
Category: Other

Original Letter

I'm lost... I have a serious marraige problem.... I don't know how i feel about my husband.  I have an eating disorder for a start so i allow a lot of things to happen because i feel so badly about it - horrendous.  I don't think i acually love my husband.  I've never cheated but i find myself attracted to other people.  Not many.  One was a ex who got back in touch, another is just someone i met.  I have NEVER cheated.

But i hate myself for having these feelings.

We have a child.. I married this man because he was a famiy man and he knew i wanted CHILDREN... after our only child (he's got a previous rel child) he now says he doesn't want another.. i'm devestated.  I feel totally alone and awful.

Please help.. i want more children, I dont want a failed marraige, i hate his lies to me.

Elder Response

There is no reason to hate yourself for your feelings. There is no reason to hate yourself for any reason. It's not unusual to be attracted to other men when you are married.  You are feeling much pain and conflict. You feel lost, devastated and confused. Perhaps being attracted to someone else helps you to feel better or to escape the turmoil you are living with. You have wisely resisted impulsive behavior.  

I don't know much about you or the details of your situation but I do know that having children was so important to you that you chose a mate for his ability to be a good father. I can understand that you would feel angry and betrayed that he has unilaterally made a decision which takes away something central to your goals and happiness. Ideally such decisions to have more children should be made together and not imposed.  I do not know the reason he changed his mind but for now there appears to be many obstacles even if he were willing.  You are not sure you love your husband and to have another child with someone you don't want to be with would not be good for anyone  

What comes through clearly in your letter is you are in considerable pain and conflict.  I wonder why you can't share your feelings with him or if you have and how he has responded.  I am not suggesting a confession but a heartfelt discussion of how alone you feel. Communication is so important to a relationship.  Feeling  "alone" is a symptom of not being seen or understood  if you can't talk to him, it's essential you talk to someone else who can help you to feel better and to understand you-- an objective person, a therapist or counselor is best for this purpose  

Your feelings of being lost, devastated and awful concern me.  This pain is just as real as a broken arm or leg and it should be treated as such.  Talk to your doctor and see what he or she suggests.  Don't wait.  You are important  

You mention an eating disorder but I don't know how this fits in except to be concerned that during difficult times, it might be harder to manage.  I hope you are getting treatment for this  

I am glad you reached out to us  it tells me you know you need to talk to someone, you know you need help. Now it's time to get that help.  Remember, we are here for you  

Best Regards,



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