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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FAMILY: Should I Cut Mom Out of My Life?
Letter #: 384684
Category: Family

Original Letter

Would it be reasonable to cut my mother out of my life for good? She had a child at 14 and they were put up for adoption. Then she had my older brother and me before she was 19. She lost custody of us when i was 4-5 after the court system deemed her an unfit mother due to various reasons: she used drugs, was an alcoholic, starved us, abused us etc. I pretty much had no relationship with her or her side of the family other than a handful of visits. She ended up having 4 more children, all of them were taken away from her at birth. In 2011 my maternal grnadmother died which brought my mother and i a bit closer and i conversed with her a decent bit through facebook. She has the mindset that all of her children were wrongfully taken away from her and refuses to apologize/ take responsibility for her actions. Now i am 5 1/2 months pregnant and she wants to be involved in my childs life but i honestly don't want her anywhere around my child and my husband feels the same way. Should i just cut ties with her for good? 

Elder Response

Amber, please, please do not allow your mother to have a part in your child's life. There are several reasons why I say that. Here are just three:

  1. She starved and abused you and your brother.
  2. She has accepted no responsibility for her poor choices.
  3. You and your husband don't want her anywhere around your child.

If you won't listen to your own instincts, Amber, please listen to what your husband has to say. He is the most important person in your life now, and his feelings about such matters should be respected. He's only thinking about what's best for you and his child, I'm sure.

Because of your upbringing and your mother's treatment of you, it's possible you haven't been able to set full boundaries through the years, boundaries that would prevent you from making the wrong decision about this very important matter. Because of that possibility, it might be beneficial for you to talk with a counselor a time or two to get another perspective and receive guidance that will serve you well. Just a thought.

Yes, I believe you should either cut ties with your mother or at the very least tell her that she won't be included in your baby's life. Period. She should have no further influence on you, and she certainly should have no influence on your soon-to-be-born beautiful little baby. Think how she might treat your baby. It makes me worried and sad to think about it.

Your mother made her life, yet to this day she blames all of her problems on someone else. That means she will repeat her bad mistakes from the past over and over and over. You shouldn't have to be included in that mess, don't you agree?

So, Amber, that's my advice for you. I hope you'll consider it and do what's best for all three of you. Please take good care of yourself, your wonderful husband and that precious baby. In my view, you'll never regret making such a decision.

Best Regards,

JanLynn


    

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