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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: No Intimacy After the Baby
Letter #: 386801
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I don't know how to fix my relationship. I know my fiance is depressed. We just had a baby 7 weeks ago. Since then she won't even touch me. I do lots of things for her I help alot with the baby I take care of most of the money stuff. She has been off work.. I wanna feel close. I feel lost. And I need her touch sometimes.. I try and talk to her. She can be sweet but at the end of the day I still get nothing.. I'm really sad.. I can't live like this much longer. I am a very sexual person that is how I feel close and she is aware of that but doesn't seem to care.

Elder Response

Gary, I'm so sorry to hear how things are in your relationship. Let's talk about your fiance first.

Please, please talk with her doctor about her depression. It's quite common for new mothers to have post natal depression, which is very serious. No doubt she has an ob-gyn and I hope you will talk with him or her about this, especially if your fiance hasn't done so. It's wonderful that you're helping with the baby because depressed mothers, actually all new mothers, sometimes can't quite get everything done.

Now about intimate relations. It sounds to me like her depression might be causing her lack of interest in that area, as well. However, Gary, I am not a medical expert and I make no judgment on that issue. Again, talking with her doctor might be a starting place. You also might get some good advice from your own doctor.

Ideally, your fiance would go to counseling with you, all in an effort to save your relationship and make things good again. Unfortunately, if she is suffering from depression (and I make no judgment on that either), she might have trouble working through that part of her life. Only a thought, of course. You say she's aware and doesn't seem to care. Again, we don't know what depression will do to a person. A medical professional can help you sort all of that. I hope you will talk with her doctor soon. Although I don't know about privacy issues with your fiance, you should be able to talk with her doctor because of your baby who she had only 7 weeks ago. At the same time, because she is your fiance and not wife, there might be issues there, privacy issues. I just have no way of knowing.

One more thing: Being a mother myself, I know how much a body changes when pregnant and then having the baby. Each woman handles things differently and feels good or bad or in between as time goes forward. I guess my real advice for you is to give her a break with the sex, at least for now. I know how much you'd love to be with her intimately, but at least for now she isn't receptive. That could change on it own, or she's going to need help in going back to being the way she used to be. Perhaps your patience is all going to come down to how much you love her, your life with her, and your baby.

I hope a few of my thoughts will be helpful for you. I wish you, your fiance and your precious little baby the very best going forward. Take care, Gary.

Best Regards,



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