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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Want to Connect with People Better
Letter #: 387031
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Hi my name is bagelis I am 19 years old and I am a person that don't enjoy to stay with several type of people. for example I don't like to stay with my cousins or with my cousins friend. In the past I found 3 good friends and when i am with them i find the time to pass fast and I enjoy being with them.

Now for the dating stuff, one of my friend has a girlfriend for 4 years and they get along so I was jealous .I tryed to have a girfriend butt I was always friendzone, one of the reason was becouse I was too fat around 110 killos so I went on diet for 2 years and i lost a lot of weigh. I tryed to date several girls but I never had fun with them and they never did not have fun too. Many of the girls I met tryed to date me because now I am good looking but the relationship allways died after one week or two. The reason of this is because when I am with them we never have fun and when they laugh for something I never find it funny but when i find something funny they get angry. 

Now I don't know what to do because the problem lies within me after all  I really don't have a sense of humor. I say this because even my friend laugh rare at my jokes and they are with me because I am only a good guy. How can I improve my humor?? How to not be boring for other women?? thank you for the time it means a lot to me because this is the only site I can say my problems :)

Elder Response

Most males older than you will admit to having the same frustration about forced encounters with relatives and dating girls when they were younger. Me included. We resented time spent with cousins. Like you, we also were impatient. We expected each meeting with a girl would turn into a romance. Few meetings ever turned into relationships let alone romances. Many were awkward. I am sure the girls were just as frustrated with the situations. I also am sure that my re-telling of history is of little consolation to you.

What many of us learned was not to try so hard. We learned that great relationships often came from unlikely circumstances. In my case, one of the first times I met my future wife occurred at a party.  I asked her to dance but it became obvious to her that I could not dance very well and I did not enjoy dancing.  But she knew from that moment that I was willing to try something that she liked to do.  

In your case, I would suggest trying a few things. First, put yourself into situations where there are lots of opportunities to meet girls.  That sounds obvious and is obvious. One way to do that is to do things where groups of people are doing the same thing. That could mean going to a health club, running a 5k, church/social activities, volunteer work, political causes, working at an animal shelter (girls like dogs!), and getting to know people better at work or at school (study groups).

Second, practice limiting your use of humor. We often use humor when we are nervous and it rarely comes off well.  Instead, share interesting stuff that you come across. Music listened to, articles read, and friends' crazy activities all are safer than bad attempts at humor. Humor is overrated. 

Finally, spend time trying to learn what the lady is interested in sharing with you. Do not ask her 20 questions but be interested in what is on her mind. Sometimes men are so interested in performing that we fail to understand that our "audience" has interests and thoughts that she might want to share.  

Some of my best male and female relationships happened without trying. When we get ourselves out of our mental and physical houses, we can have hundreds of interactions a day.  Each one has the possibility of helping someone, being helped, sharing an experience, or even meeting someone who will be in our lives for the foreseeable future.  Bagelis, look for those opportunities but do not force them. 



Best Regards,



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