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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Stay Friends With an Ex?
Letter #: 388203
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

my ex girlfriend says i love her more than she loves me and after a 4 year relationship she broke up with me and is now talking to her ex. she says she dont want me to fall in love with someone else but she wants me to talk to other girls. she is 20 and im 24. i miss her a lot. should i stay friends with her or let her go?

Elder Response

Jay, I think your girlfriend is playing you. I understand your feelings, but I believe that she is abusing your kindness. Young love is special and I think we will always remember our first loves, but we do so with great humility filled with special memories. We never want to do anything that will spoil those memories.

Just as she has retained the friendship of her other ex, she is trying to do the same with you. I do believe she wants all of these guys to remain available at her whim, while she moves on at her election. While you may have feelings for her, I can assure you that one-way relationships never work out. If you don’t move on, then I think you are avoiding and suspending other opportunities.

Normally, I see no fault with retaining all friends, both those of the same and of the opposite sex. However when you have had a somewhat intimate relationship, you have already “crossed the line from friendship” to something more, and there is no return in my opinion. I do believe that retaining her friendship precludes allowing yourself to find someone more suitable to love.

Falling out of love, in my opinion, is like losing someone dear to you on their passing. I think we go through a grieving period and then we accept the loss. If you don’t severe ties, then I can’t see how you can end your grief and allow yourself to heal.

You are most certainly young enough to find someone else. I think that’s precisely the route you should follow. While you can retain superficial ties through perhaps social media, I would not allow myself to become in any way emotionally involved once again. That is too hurting for you emotionally and will only lead to further disappointment, in my opinion.

So, Jay, my advice is to let her go. If anything changes and you would like a further opinion on this, by all means feel free to write us again. If anything else concerns you, by all means feel free to seek out our advice. Also, feel free to refer our services to others you know as well. 

Best Regards,



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