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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Roommate Is Flirting with My Boyfriend
Letter #: 388487
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

basically my boyfriend ive been dating for exactly 6 weeks tomorrow lives in a home with 3 other guys and a transgender who just recently moved in. today we finally met the transgender and he was nice but shy. i kept looking at him (hes gay, turning into a girl) and i saw him eyeing up my boyfriend, like checking him out, staring at him as if he thinks hes hot or he has a crush on him. he shows off, he swears in front of my bf because hes heard us swear (literally) hes been giving staff attichude because we were there, he was laughing a lot because we were there. i want him to back off and idk how to do it... and im not paranoid!

Elder Response

Of course you want him to back off. And you can't change his behavior. Sounds to me like he's well on the way to making an ass of himself, and you'd feel better about the whole thing if you could either laugh at him, or feel sorry for him, or both. You haven't said how your boyfriend responds to the tran's behavior, or whether the two of you have talked about it. I'd suggest that you have that conversation, and be absolutely clear about how you feel: "I'm uncomfortable with how this guy/gal is acting, and I need to know what you think about it." And then listen to what your boyfriend says.  After only 6 weeks of being together, you really haven't had the time to get to know each other very well; this may be a golden opportunity to find out how well the two of you are able to deal with a stressful situation.

You see, Sienna, the very fact that you protest about not being paranoid suggests strongly that a part of you thinks that you are over-reacting. And I think the struggle you're having inside yourself -- "I don't like it, but what's the matter with me that it's upsetting me so much?" -- is at least as uncomfortable as what's going on in your boyfriend's house. When you get clear with yourself, how it is that you're so disturbed by this guy/girl's behavior, and when you and your boyfriend have talked things out, you're going to be much more sure about what you want to do about it.

Thanks for writing to us, and I hope what I've said makes sense. Do write back any time; I'd love to hear how things are working out for you. Good luck!

Best Regards,



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