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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FAMILY: Parents Won't Let Me Talk to My BF
Letter #: 390040
Category: Family

Original Letter

Okay so i'm 15 years old and have a boyfriend. My mother rules is "not dating till you're 16!" but for this boy, my feelings are strong. So on November 2nd, specifically, he posted pictures onto my instagram (gave him my passwords) when i was at school. Reminder, I ALWAYS told him NOT too due to my family following me. So he decided too and the captions of his post was like "my baby so f***ng sexy" "All mines." all that as if it was coming from me. SO I guess my family saw it and immediately reacted and took my phone and actually text and called my boyfriend. I'm going yo be 16 in a couple months so i didnt really feel it was a problem. I cant control my feelings so? and dont want to see him with anyone else but me! my parents are very mad at me and I want them to realize I have to grow up! They cant control my life, because this is my life to live! I've constantly been crying and growing through mental depression due to not being able to talk to him when I was really happy... but whats the point of talking, when they wont listen nor understand?

Elder Response

Aija, what a tough situation for you to deal with.  It sounds like your boyfriend not listening to your warning about not posting on your instantgram account is what got you in trouble.  Allowing him access to your password may have been the beginning to this problem and now you are stuck dealing with the fallout from his poor choice.  Your parents have reacted to this and took your phone away and are restricting your contact with your boyfriend.

In a few months you will be 16 and they are willing to allow you to date then.  It sounds like you are in a funk because you can't talk to or see him.  I suspect that if you approach your parents reasonably and ask them to talk with you about this they might be willing to listen to your side of things. 

From your description of this event it sounds like your family was very angry at the photos you supposedly posted and are they reacting out of their anger to the photos, the wording of the message, and the fact that it appears you did not respect their boundaries.  Because of this misunderstanding they are upset and you are feeling down because they are not listening to you. Your life is yours to live but I suspect it would be much happier if you and your family could agree on expectations that you all are comfortable with. 

I hope that you, Aija, will take responsibility for what you have done to cause this problem; you have been in a relationship of sorts with this boy even though your family's rule is no dating until you are 16.  Your boyfriend did not listen to your concerns about posting on your instantgram account and posted pictures that upset your family using your password that you gave him.  Your family became upset at seeing this post and realizing you weren't respecting their rule and may feel betrayed by you.  It seems that all parties involved in this situation have contributed to the problem. The most effective way to solve this is to communicate openly and honestly with each other.

I encourage you to talk with your family, honestly tell them what happened, and ask them to work with you on finding a good way to hold you accountable for these actions.  If you parents will allow you to contact your boyfriend you might let him know that his posting on your instantgram account is what caused your family to become upset.  Sharing passwords with friends can let to problems; as you have found out.  Change your password and don't share it again.

If you want to be heard and respected communicate in a manner that displays you want to be seriously listened to.  I believe that is how you will be heard; not by feeling others don't listen or understand but by acting in ways that lets you be in charge of your words an actions, rather than reacting to what others say or do.

I hope I have made some suggestions that are helpful.  Please write again if you would like to discuss this or anything else.  Thanks for writing and good luck.


 

Best Regards,

Windancer


    

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