Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™
DATING/RELATIONSHIP: In Love With My Best Friend
I am in love with my best friend and I need an opinion cause he gives off mixed signals. I have known this guy M since 2010 and we have been friends since, however we did move away for a few years and both recently moved back to the same city so our contact has been off and on for a long time. So earlier this year in April we started meeting up with one another and I have always thought he was a good looking man but after seeing him this time I was very attracted to him in a way I had not been before when we first met back in 2010. Anyways, since April with have started seeing each other regularly hanging out and going out once or twice a week and have gotten very close. We completely trust each other, we discovered we have a lot in common and expect the same thing out of relationships.
One day we were hanging out watching a movie and he started holding my hand so I was really excited, cause i was thinking "holy crap he must have feelings for me." and than after that point on we have been cuddling and he started showing me a lot of affection. Sometimes I stay over night and we cuddle and sleep. We however have never been sexual, he has kissed me on the face and playfully bit me on the neck once, when we cuddle he touches my hips so to me that is more than just friendly, right? I am just frustrated cause I have told him that i care for him more than a friend and he told me he did too but he has this crazy past and is thinking about moving back to be closer to his mother on the west coast (and he moved away from the west coast cause he had a substance abuse problem and since he has been clean.) so he was said something like, "idk what to tell you cause what are you going to do if i move?" which it hurts deeply and I don't know if i can continue like this.
I have put so much time into him, and even had taken care of him while he was hurt and could hardly move for 2 weeks. We do have an age difference and I asked if that bothered him and he told me no. I know he doesn't feel like he is where he should be in life and feels bad about that a lot.
You have written in to the Elder Wisdom Circle, Domi, because you would like an opinion, so I’ll give you mine. Before I do, however, you need to understand that I don’t know any of the players in your situation, especially you. The only information I have to go on is the letter you wrote. So, having said that, this is what I think.
From the tone of your letter, I think you are still young … perhaps still in school. But you don’t say so I can’t be sure. But I have to tell you that there are several things you mention in your letter that cause me concern.
You say you’ve known this guy for 6 years, but you were separated for a few years, perhaps 2 or 3? He’s only been back in your life for 7 months, and yet you call him your BEST friend. This concerns me. It makes me think that you are giving him this title not because he earned it, but because you have feelings for him. A friend is someone special who has your best interests at heart. A best friend is the special of the special. In my world, no one gets to be a best friend just because I am attracted to them and we cuddle. I believe there has to be something more than that to earn that title, and you haven’t mentioned anything he’s done to earn your trust. Another thing that concerns me about him being your best friend is it makes me wonder if you have any other friends.
You mention there is an age difference. The number of years difference does matters at some ages and at others not so much. Since I don’t know your ages, I can’t say anything other than be careful.
What really concerns me is his substance abuse. 7 months being clean isn’t enough to say he has his problem under control. It just isn’t long enough. Additionally, if he goes back to the west coast, the odds are very likely he will take up with his past friends there, and resume his abuse. Of course that’s a decision he needs to make, but I would strongly advise you NOT to go with him to the west coast if you were thinking along those lines. If you were, I’m certain you were fantasizing about a wonderful, fun life with someone you care about, but I promise you it won’t turn out that way. You would most likely get abused yourself and be miserable.
I know I’ve painted a pretty bleak picture for you, but there is a bright side. IF he stays where you are, and IF he stays clean, and IF you are of age (over 18), then I suggest you go ahead and enjoy your time with him. If you decide to have sex with him, which you will, please YOU use protection. If you become pregnant, there’s no guarantee he will help you with it. You are responsible for YOU, no one else.
I hope what I’ve written helps you, Domi, even if it’s just a little. I hope things work out for you. Write us again in the future if you need any more advice. Good luck.