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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Can't Stop Thinking About Ex
Letter #: 390384
Category: Other

Original Letter

I recently had my first hook-up with a guy I had met through Tinder. We texted for several weeks before finally meeting when we found openings in our busy schedules as college students. We both went into acknowledging it was just a hook-up and I have no regrets about what transpired. However, my only concern is that the sex felt very familiar. It felt like I was sleeping with my ex who was my only other sexual partner and who I had a 3 year long-term committed relationship with that ended a year ago. 

Because I was able to feel no emotional attachment during sex with this other guy, it reminded me of how intimate and passionate it was with my ex and it started to make me miss him a lot. I feel so confused and don't know what to make of what I feel. Any suggestions for understanding why someone would miss their ex after their first hook-up, considering the break up occurred almost a year ago? A lot has happened and I do feel like I moved on since then, but something about having sex triggered something in me that has me missing him. Please help! Thank you!

Elder Response

Since admittedly this was just a hook-up, Jamie, you had no time to establish any real feelings for this person.  The experience merely reminded you how sex should feel when you are in a committed relationship with someone.  Even though an entire year has passed, experiencing intimacy for the first time since the break-up has rekindled those feelings you once had.  That is perfectly normal and to be expected. 

I think you need to remind yourself why your prior relationship ended.  Something had to be missing or you both had grown apart for some reason.  Remembering how passionate it once was doesn't necessarily mean that if you got back together it would feel the same way today.  Initially it might be exciting but in no time at all whatever drove you apart the first time would very likely resurface. 

Casual sex is certainly an option for people but it lacks a feeling of connectedness to the other person.  That can only occur when there are genuine feelings which then transforms sex into love making.  There is a difference.  The good news is you will most definitely experience that again with someone else who captures your heart.  We are all hard wired to fall in love multiple times in our life.  It is human nature.  You may meet someone after college who will feel like just the right fit for your life.  Hooking up with this new guy and having sex triggered a memory about what was good in your past relationship.  That doesn't necessarily mean it would feel the same today.  It is never good to dwell on the past.  We learn from our past to help us make better choices in the future.  As for tomorrow it remains a mystery filled with endless possibilities.  We must live in the moment because in the end it is all any of us is guaranteed. 

Don't waste a lot of energy over thinking about, or missing, your ex-boyfriend, Jamie.  There will come a day when you will experience great passion and intimacy again. In the meantime enjoy being in college, having fun with your friends and filling your life with the things you most enjoy doing.  There is all the time in the world to have another meaningful relationship with someone.  There is more to life....believe me!

Best Regards,



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