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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Still In Love With Ex, But Dating Someone Else
Letter #: 392162
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Ok so I'm currently a high school student and I'm in a relationship that has veen going on for about six months. The girl I am with, McKenna is this beautiful amazing sweet girl and I really love being around her but we are at a slow patch. This other girl, Rachel, is a girl I had a previous thing with but I was absolutely in love with this girl and to be somewhat honest I still kind of am. I love McKenna and she's awesome but in this slow patch I can stop thinking I'd be happier with Rachel. The draw back is that I love both of these girls and I don't want to hurt either but I don't know what I should do. I had this absolutely amazing thing with rachel but we never got to date due to the circumstances. I think about what it would be like to be with her, if I'd be happier, if everything was better. But I also have a strong connection with McKenna and I'll be looked at like a scum bag if I did leave her for rachel. McKenna also hates rachel and won't let me talk to rachel.

Elder Response

I believe you should treat people the way you would want to be treated.  If you were McKenna and dating someone, would you want to know the truth, that your date enjoys your company but that they are not in love with you, that they don’t return your feelings, just enjoy your company as a good friend? Or would you want the date to stay with you and not let on how they truly feel, pretending that all is fine in the relationship?

I think you use the term “love” too loosely when you say you love both girls, as when you really love someone, they are the only person you can think about, day and night and you can’t go a day without talking to them. You always want to make them happy.  When you truly love someone, you would never even think about another person.  So, it is clear to me that you don’t love McKenna. 

So, to answer your question, if you haven’t come to the decision yourself, I think you should be open and honest with McKenna and tell her that you need to talk to her and when alone, without any friends around, tell her that while you enjoy her company, you don’t return her feelings and don’t want to lead her on and hurt her. Say that you view her more as a good friend than someone you see yourself with in a long-term relationship.  Say that you are not ready to seriously date anyone at this time. But it would only hurt her to say you are leaving her because you still have feelings for Rachel or because you want to be with Rachel, so don’t say that.  Just make it clear that you don’t want to lead her on to think you return her feelings as more than a friendship. Say that you care about her and ask if there is someone you can call for her (so that you aren’t leaving her alone upset) or walk her home.

As for Rachel, you should just be honest with her and say you think of her often and wonder how she is doing and regret that you too never had a chance to date. Ask her if she feels the same way.  Then you will know whether to pursue her or move on.

Best Regards,

Grandpa-Bill


    

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