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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FRIENDSHIP: Is This Friendship Worth Saving?
Letter #: 397381
Category: Family

Original Letter

Hey wassup? I am in school in I have personally had always wanted to get to know one of my new friends better. So when we got to collab on a project together with two of our other friend I was so happy. that we got to be together and you know I think I am more dedicated to her than she is to me. But, so we got into a fight about how to present our project to the class. She and one of my other friend that I am really close too wanted to make it bigger then. We just started to fight straight up. 

My friend that I wanted to get to know called a group meeting, we were with some boys too but, separate projects and I refused to go because I was so mad that they wanted the presentation to be goofy and not serious enough. I just got and they knew it. Not to mention before that they had gone to anther group and they left me and my other friend alone to deal with the work. I mean was just so mad at the both but, now I'm just starting to question whether these are the kind of friends I want to be with me. 

I mean this ONE fght that we had really caused us all to fall apart a little. I mean if one fight that caused us to be damaged and divided like this then what are we going to do when a bigger problem come towards us? Should I keep being with them or should I just stop nd end this early?

Elder Response

I am so sorry you are struggling with this, Grayson. Group projects are often painful, which is one of the reasons teachers assign them in school. We face the same challenges at work. Often you are thrown into a group of people with a problem to solve and there will be people you really can't stand and people who don't do anything, but take credit for it. It's an old story. I have been working for more than 50 years and it really hasn't changed in all that time.  

I could give you lots of suggestions on how to prevent these disagreements in the future, but that really isn't your question. You question is, can and should your friendship survive a disagreement. 

Certainly, your friendship can survive. Marriages survive disagreements all the time. The trick to is how you fight. You need to be able to disagree without getting personal. In the case of your class project, you might say, "I think this is a serious subject and we should present it straight up". Your friend might say, "I don't think we have enough detail to present it seriously so I think we need to entertain the class a little". That is something you should be able to work out and compromise on. However, if the disagreement deteriorates into name calling..... you're dumb, you're bossy, you just want to be the teacher's pet....then you have a problem. 

The problem may be just as much yours as it is theirs. Why did you get so mad at them, and why didn't you go to the group meeting? That might have been a good way to resolve the disagreement. You may be the kind of person who does better working alone. That's not unusual, but you have to learn to work with a team sometimes. You have to learn to give in sometimes and support someone else's idea even if you don't agree, because that will happen a lot in your life. Remember, there is almost always more than one right way to do something. 

If this was just an academic disagreement and didn't get personal, then I think the relationship is worth putting some more effort into. It is normal for feelings to run a little cooler after a disagreement. Think about what went wrong and how this turned into a big fight, and maybe you can head it off next time. 

Good luck, dear. Please write again if we can help.  

Best Regards,

Grammy-Annie


    

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