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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Don't Want to Stay in This Limbo
Letter #: 397797
Category: Friendship

Original Letter

Hello, I am not sure what the appropriate etiquette is in this situation, so I'm just going to get to the problem straight away. I have been in love with one of my friends for four years. We are making a play together so I see him quite often. He has weird philosophies: nothing is more important than aesthetics in life; extreme selflessness for others and so on. He is so nice to me sometimes, I feel like there must be hope. Other times, he is the rudest I've met. He's one of those people that initiates nothing. If I offer to hang out or go somewhere, he says "sure, yes", but rarely ever offers something himself. 

I have been thinking and decided that I cannot tell him my feelings, but I also don't want to stay in this limbo.I'm overweight you see and I feel like this would mingle with his aesthetic views.I have decided to leave it be, leave the play, stop hanging out with him.Yet I am afraid to tell him that I'm out. Please, help , how can I tell him this nicely? Thank You

Elder Response

This is certainly a complex situation, Gabriele. Frankly, I see him as a narcissist. It is all about him. I know you are sensitive about your weight, but I don't think that is something that would be important.

What's important is that he doesn't initiate contact. In other words, by pretending to be selfless, he is extremely self-centered and unconcrned with reaching out to others.  (At least, from the little knowledge I have, this seems to be the case.)

If the play is important to you, then don't leave it, unless it's too painful for you to stay. I don't see any future with him for you, unfortunately. If you feel you must leave, tell him something simple (family problems, health issues of a family member, need to find another job, etc.)

You know, we often are enamored of someone who seems to have everything we aspire to. Often, the "gods" have feet of clay.

That doesn't make it any easier to get through it. Giving up illusions is as hard as giving up reality. 

I wish you the best.

Best Regards,



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