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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: She's Holding On To A Gift From Her Ex
Letter #: 398270
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Ok.have been Datang this girl for quite sometime now and we really love each other . We've shared so many beautiful and important moments together that I can hardly count . If she ask me anything within my power I give and there's nothing have taken back from her. She also does the same to in return. 

But just of recent I she was traveling through and as we're packing I saw her put on a watch and then I was surprised how she got the watch and she told me it was from her ex boyfriend she once dated .I tried to look up the watch to see how much it's worth and to m y surprise it was expensive. Hav also gotten a watch for her something better for her but yet to give her for her vans gift .so I asked her if she could give me the watch and she started holding back that she would put it into consideration if can or won't.

I felt so unhappy .and when I asked her why she said I can't really understand what's behind the watch ..seriously I don't knw what to do

Elder Response

Hello, I have read your letter through quite carefully a couple of times and in truth I am a little upset by it. Read through my response and see if it makes any sense to you. It may not be easy or comfortable for you to read but I think it may give you an important insight, if you want to ask me anything about my response do come back to me.  

In every relationship there are two quite distinct periods. There is the period before you met them and the period after you begin dating. They are distinctly different periods and in truth one has little or nothing to do with the other. You cannot turn back the clock, you cannot take hold of another's past, it is past and it is for them to do as they will with. You cannot change their history, you cannot change their memories. If you are jealous of their past then you are moving towards wanting to control them, that is not love, that is not respect, that is not trust. Feelings of jealousy are not attractive and point towards a difficult relationship rather than one of love, trust and respect.  

For you to be jealous of a watch given by a previous boyfriend means you are confusing her past without you and her present with you. She got the watch before you were her boyfriend, it is expensive and it is hers. It would be silly to waste it. By reading too much into gifts she has received before you were on the scene you seem as if are trying to control her, you cannot. She can choose to be with you or not, it is her choice and if you are too jealous of her past then it is likely she will choose not to be with you, especially if that jealousy leads you to want to control her current behavior. 

I am not sure why you want her watch, it was given to her and had she wanted to give it you then she would already have done so. It is time for you to back off, let her make her own decisions and stop trying to control her.  

I suggest you think quite hard about why this watch has upset you so much. Examine your jealousy and ask why you feel it, are you afraid of losing her? 

Think carefully about what I have written and if you need more information or advice then do come back with the questions you would like answered, I will be happy to answer them for you as best I can and to suggest ways forward for you. 

Best Regards,



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